Life Practice Counseling

Boundaries - Part II

2009-01-22T11:47:00.001-08:00

The second part to begin the process of setting and maintaining boundaries is to say or do anything. After awareness of whether or not you believe what is being said either implicitly or explicitly through someone overstepping your boundaries, the next step is to then say or do something, anything! It doesn't have to be in a defensive manner, it does not have to be a conflict or confrontation. There are other ways.

It can just be a question - What does that mean? (Of course, with a non-defensive tone)

It can be a statement about what you are experiencing now - I'm a bit confused?, I don't know what to think about that?

It can be an action or gesture of doing something different than you normally do - walking away if you normally stay in emotional reactivity; staying in the conversation if you normally walk away and cut-off. Or it can be not letting the other person change the subject and saying, "Let's go back to that."

The point is saying or doing anything in response to a boundary violation will help to set and maintain your personal boundaries.

Boundaries Part I

2008-08-21T09:28:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about boundaries and how important they are for relationships. I know that if you let someone take advantage of you, they will. And I know that we teach people how to treat us, how to communicate with us, and how to relate to us. So how does this all happen?

I know it takes time and that the dynamics are constantly changing and the relationship is constantly changing. Everything in life is a constant practice. So what about boundaries?

Well, there are many parts to setting and maintaining boundaries. Today I want to focus on how maintaining boundaries can also mean lowering our emotional reactivity.

When people are emotionally reactive and their feelings and emotions and sometimes even identity are dependent on another person, this can be called enmeshment. An assumption of this is that the person who is emotionally reactive is not maintaining their personal boundaries.

In order to do this, one cannot just say "You can't talk to me that way", or "You can't treat me this way". We have no control over the other person. What we do have control over is how we let it make us feel and how we react. Let's look at that first part.

We control how it makes us feel. Is this entirely true? Yes and no. It depends on how much we believe what the person mistreating us is saying or doing. Do you believe you should be treated in that way or spoke to in that manner. If there is a part of you that does, it feeds on that and you begin to associate you identity with what the other person is saying, thus emotionally reactive and enmeshment- no boundaries. However if you do not believe what they are saying then you can begin to separate yourself from their words or actions, not get emotionally reactive, and will be able to scan your emotions and then make a conscious decision on how to proceed.

Separating yourself from others is a huge growth and empowerment transition.

Incompatability vs. Differences

2008-07-01T09:35:00.000-07:00

So many couples focus on the differences between them and talk about how that means they are incompatible. What then can begin is a whole new pattern of looking at the negatives or to be more exact looking at the differences as negatives.

For a successful relationship it is important to look at the differences and appreciate, accept, and respect them. What can be learned in therapy however, is to uncover the differences that are underlying the conflicts. As examples how the two of you may process things differently, you may learn in different ways, you may make decisions in different ways, etc. These are the important differences that need to be explored and understood instead of focusing on the negatives and leaping straight to incompatibility.

New Technique for Nightmares

2008-05-30T08:21:00.000-07:00

I was just watching a news show last night, and I am sorry but I don't remember which one or what channel.

Anyway, it was talking about nightmares and a new technique for eliminating them. It talked about actually re-narrating your nightmare during the day, over and over again, with the ending that you want. You still keep the majority of the story, just change the ending at first. Retell the new story to yourself as much as possible during the day and then also right before you fall asleep.

Can't hurt to try it!

Nightmares and Flashbacks

2008-05-15T07:25:00.000-07:00

What does it mean when you get recurrent nightmares or flashbacks or even obsessional thoughts that interfere with your life?

Generally this means that you have unresolved feelings and emotions about either a traumatic event or a very distressful event. If you read some of my previous posts there is some information about effectively processing your emotions. What happens to us when a stressful event happens, is sometimes we cut off or suppress some of those emotions. We severe that connection between mind and body. And then what happens is our body builds up so much emotion that we are trying to not feel. We think we are controlling it with our thoughts, staying with facts, trying to forget about it; but they come out in nightmares, flashbacks, and obsessions.

When this happens the best thing is to forget about you trying to control anything over your body and let your body experience and go through what it needs to. In effect process your emotions.

Emotional Reactivity and Communication

2008-04-16T07:56:00.000-07:00

I talk a lot about emotions. I want to continue some of the discussion on communication.
If you read back in previous blogs, I discuss the importance of processing your emotions and learning about increasing your self-awareness.

The next part, is realizing your control of your expressive language of your emotions or your emotional reactivity.

I have said before that we do not have control over our emotions. And that is true. Our bodies react to what we perceive and we cannot control that. What we can control is how we express that emotion.

What happens in relationships is that just due their nature and being emotionally involved with someone, our bodies are reacting to the other person all the time. It is important for you to really look at that, be aware of it, and take note of your bodily reactions, but to not react on them.

Communication is nearly impossible when emotionally driven! Yet that is when people expect the most out of it. It's not going to happen. Nothing is going to get resolved when both of you are just reacting emotionally.

The best thing to do, is to let each of your emotions process, saying it plainly- take a time out, and give yourself and your body time to really process your emotion. Make sense out of what you are experiencing. Then when you have both given yourselves time to do that, you can come together and communicate more effectively.

Emotional Abuse Part III

2008-03-25T09:59:00.001-07:00

Verbal abuse is a form of Emotional abuse.This includes yelling, name-calling, belittling, berating, criticizing, and threats. Constant blaming, sarcasm, humiliation, and pointing out flaws in someone or making fun of someone is also emotionally abusive. To do this over and over again to someone will diminish their sense of self and self-value.
Another form of emotional abuse is when you place overwhelming demands and expectations on another person. Like wanting constant attention, never accepting the amount of time someone gives you, and requiring that someone meets all of your needs and forgets about thier own.
Sometimes I see couples where one person will order a person to do or not to do something. This is emotionally abusive. Judging your partner, telling what they need to do or not do, invalidating their feelings and decisions, taking a one-up position, or taking that "parent" role is emotionally abusive. It says to the other person that they are not ok and not good enough.
What I see a lot of times is when a couple is in an emotionally abusive relationship and one person will totally lose their sense of self. They will not know what they want, what they think, what they feel. They will not even know what is real sometimes. What ends up happening is their boundaries have become so obsolete, they have lost themselves. Another term for this is co-dependent. So to end these cycles of abuse, the one receiving the emotional abuse will need to begin rebuilding their boundaries, and thus their sense of self.

What is Emotional Abuse? Part II

2008-03-08T08:55:00.001-08:00

Emotional abuse is any behavior that is trying to control and enslave another person through the use of humiliation, intimidation, fear, guilt, coercion, manipulation, etc. and is emotional in nature rather than physical. Verbal abuse, constant criticism, judging, repeated disapproval, never being pleased or approving are all forms of emotional abuse.

When a person is subjected to emotional abuse over a long period of time they lose self-confidence, a strong sense of self and self-worth, and they lose trust in others and in their own perceptions. Emotional abuse damages the very life inside of someone which can be deeper and more lasting that physical abuse. Emotional abuse leads to a person feeling so under-valued that they are incapable of judging the situation realistically. They can begin to believe what is told to them and blame themselves or take fault for the emotional abuse they receive. They can then actually seek out the abuser looking for that approval and love they never receive. It shows up in their relationships with others when they seek out partners that are similar to the abusers because they feel they do not deserve any better. They tend to build up an intense fear of isolation and abandonment.

Reference: http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htmWhat%20is%20Emotional%20Abuse?

What is Emotional Abuse? Part I

2008-03-06T10:37:00.000-08:00

Emotional Abuse is:

Belittling
Blaming
Sarcasm
Rejection
Corruption
Screaming
Humiliation
Threatening
Name Calling
Unpredictable Responses
Isolation
Deliberate withholding of love and affection
Criticizing
Pointing out flaws in others
Minimizing
Trivializing
Invalidating
Emotional Blackmail
Dominating
Denying
Judging
Ordering
Control
Expectations
Narcissism
Selfishness
Demean
Aggression
Chaos
Abandonment

Parenting

2008-03-02T10:22:00.001-08:00

In the Sac Bee today there is a brief article by a freelance writer, Joyce Mansfield Syftestad, titled "A Moment of Realization With Teenage Daughter". She says that as she and her daughter went to the beach, she wanted her daughter to wait for her so they could walk together. But her daughter took off to go be a part of the fun. She says, "She was focused on where she was going, what lay ahead. And then it hit me. Rather than waiting for me, she should be looking forward, excited about the future, about what would come next. And as the parent of a teen, my job, now so glaringly clear as I saw her stride away, was to be there to watch her back."

KUDOS TO YOU, Joyce!!!!

That is exactly right! Our job as parents is to teach our children to become self sufficient adults. That does not mean teaching them to meet our needs. We need to be there to meet their needs and "watch their back".

Holding back your children because you feel you need something from them does not do them any favors. Work out your own issues on your time. Now that you are a parent, it is your job to be completely self-less, even though you didn't get that as a child. It is your turn now to meet the needs of your children. And really your parents should have been there and if still capable should still be there to meet your needs. That is the cycle. Your children are children, and is the time in their lives when they should have their parents there to meet all of their needs. And when they get older and have children, then it is the time for them to give of themselves.

We get from our parents and give to our children.

If You're In A Violent Relationship

2008-02-28T08:39:00.000-08:00

If you are in a physically abusive relationship, please know that you deserve better.

Did you know it takes a person an average of 8 times to finally leave an abusive relationship?

This makes me wonder, why? I know there are many factors involved, but bottom line is that physical and emotional abuse is not good for anyone. I once read that a child who sees their mother get abused is worse than if the child gets physically abused themselves. I don't know how true that is, but it makes sense.

I know it is so easy for people to say just leave; but that it is not easy to do.

Some of the first steps include stashing away some money, finding resources, making a plan, having support. It's a process, but there is help out there and again you deserve better. You have strengths inside of you.

What Does it Mean to Have a Disorder?

2008-02-18T08:22:00.001-08:00

Sometimes it is difficult to wrap our minds around having a disorder of some sort. But the fact of the matter is, we have all (the majority at least) had a disorder at one time or another in our lives.

The classification system that is in the DSM IV (that is the big book of disorders), is a reference of certain patterns of behavior. And because we are all human, we follow the same certain patterns of behavior, thus called a disorder, when the behaviors become a problem for you.

So it does not mean that you have some sort of thing that can be used to label you as different, although it feels that way.

All it means is that you are human and other humans behave the same way and it can be fixed. Behave changes to the word symptom when the behavior is getting in the way of other areas of your life.

Problems in a Relationship

2008-02-13T07:59:00.001-08:00

Problems in a relationship usually arise when one person needs more from the other person. Let's say you are the person who needs more, more affection, more, attention, more sex, more intimacy, more anything, just more. There are three ways for you to go about this:

One: You get frustrated a lot, conflicts arise, you blame yourself, so you try to change. The one problem with this is that if your partner is not willing to give more and you are making all these changes, then you are just setting yourself up for hurt.

Two: Ask your partner to give you more. Sometimes we just want to be heard and understood (ok, all the time). The goal in relationships is to be open with each other and lower our defensiveness, especially when two people really do want to be together and want the same things. You have to realize you are on the same team, and stop struggling against each other. When trying to achieve a more intimate level of communication, it is ok to ask for more. Maybe that should include what it is in you, that is making you want more.

Three: To build on that last sentence; I challenge you. An alternative to the first two is to challenge yourself to not want more. But not only not want more, but to realize that you don't really want more, you don't really need more, and to be truly happy with the way things are. I challenge you to really think about yourself and why you are needing more. What is it in you that you are not ok with? Do you really need more? Are you just creating friction and frustration in your life because you are just focusing on problems??? Can you focus on the good things and just stop thinking about what is not?

This is of course, not for serious problems (like substance use, abusive relationships, affairs, addictions) or when one person does not want to be in the relationship. This is for couples who both want to be in the relationship and are trying to achieve that intimate level.

Evolution of the Relationship With Your Parents

2008-02-06T10:28:00.001-08:00

The evolution of the relationship with our parents is an interesting topic to me. I know I have had to do a lot of accepting of this evolution and change in my own life with my own parents. Add to that the situation that many of us are in with dealing with step-parents and two different sets of parents.

As we become adults there is a transition or evolution in the relationship between us and our parents. I know for me, I had (have) certain expectations of what it is supposed to be like as my parents get older and how they are supposed to be with me and my children. And I am sure that our parents have expectations of what they thought it would be like. I don't think those expectations are the same.

With that being said, and knowing that at times of transition anxiety levels increase and there is a fight or struggle internally to keep things the same, some acceptance needs to happen. We as the children need to just stop and let it be- let the relationship evolve and take shape instead of struggling with trying to mold it our way.

How Do You "Deal" With Things?

2008-01-30T09:11:00.000-08:00

Have you noticed how we throw that term around- deal with? People say, "Oh, you haven't dealt with that yet", or "I've already dealt with it". Well, what does that really mean. From a psychological prospective it basically means two things. One, have you gone through the grieving process. And two, can you honestly answer these two questions- What am I doing? and Why am I doing it?

I believe there are a couple of different types of grievance processes out there, but the basic one is:

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance or indifference

Many think this process is only for bereavement, but this is not true. You do not only go through this process when a death has occurred, but rather when loss has occurred. Loss of a marriage, loss of a job, loss of a friendship, loss of a relationship the way it used to be, loss of your childhood, loss of a home, the list goes on and on.

Some will go straight from loss to an indifferent front. Are they really indifferent? Did they go through the process? Did they skip some steps? Are they really still at denial? Everyone does handle things differently and one does not absolutely need to go through all of these steps, but the answer to whether or not you really are indifferent is the second part to dealing with things.

Example: I grew up with abusive parents, I have never been to counseling to sort through my childhood, I still have a relationship with my parents, and I have never gotten angry at them and I say I have dealt with the abuse from my childhood because I am fine now, there's nothing wrong with me. Then I find a special someone and I am in a relationship with them, and I find myself in an argument with them because I don't like how they treat me in certain situations, they ignore me or make hurtful comments about me, so when in that situation I leave and hence, the argument the next day.

So what is really going on in the above example:

What am I doing? I am getting upset at being ignored and made fun of and so I leave, and then talk about it the next day.

The answer if you have dealt with your childhood:

Why am I doing it? I am doing it because I fear getting hurt. It reminds me of my childhood when I would get ignored or my parents said mean and hurtful things about me. I don't like it and take it quite personally, and so I made a decision to leave. I felt like I was being attacked and so I defended myself the next day.

In the above answer I am still bringing my past into the present. But I am aware of it, and I make a decision to still react that way. I know what I am doing and why I am doing it.

When you get to the point of knowing what and why, then the power is yours, you make a conscious decision on your next course of action. You can still choose to bring your past into the present, or you can realize that is what you are doing and choose to look at reality.

The question still remains- have I dealt with my childhood? If you are at indifference or acceptance and you can HONESTLY answer those two questions what and why in every single situation and nothing comes up and you are still indifferent or accepting; then yes, you have dealt with it.

The operative term of course is HONESTLY. You have to really know why you are having an emotional reaction (or negative thought) to a perceived event. And even more importantly, you have to know that you are even having an emotional reaction that is linked to the negative thought you are having.

Lowering Anxiety

2008-01-25T08:20:00.000-08:00

Some ways to lower anxiety:

Relaxation Techniques before event: If something is causing you anxiety, practice deep breathing and relaxing your entire body.

Preparation: If the anxiety producing event has something to do with performance, one way to lower anxiety is by proper preparation, making sure your ducks are lined up in a row.

Visualizations: this works for any type of anxiety. When you feel anxious use visualization techniques, where you actuallly go over what your role will be, what you will do, what you will be like, what the environment will look like, etc...

Building Self-Esteem: reminding of competence and abilities. After you allow yourself to feel anxious and/or nervous and you have already done the proper preparation, you can begin to use positive self-talk reminding yourself that you are competent, able, relaxed, prepared, accepting of yourself, and ok.

Practice all the time proper processing of emotions: practicing processing emotions all of the time will at first feel like you are feeling more anxiety, but what is actually happening is that you are practicing and being aware of what your body is doing, so that you will be lowering the overall intensity of anxiety in the future. Increasing body awareness is another way to look at it. It is building that connection between body and mind.

How to Properly Use I-Statements

2008-01-12T08:51:00.000-08:00

You might hear a lot of times to use I-statements as techniques for better communication. But I think that some really don't understand what that means.
I-Statements are NOT:

I feel happy
I feel you don't do...
I feel you are.....
I feel upset
I do....
I think you don't do.....
etc....

They are not to simply state how you feel on the surface or to turn it around on the other person. They are not to state something about the past that you did, you felt, you think the other person did or felt.

I-statements are meant to open up the communication between two people in a non-threatening way. They are meant to stop yourself and really think about what is really going on inside of you and what is at the root of why you are feeling the way you are feeling. So it is not just to state your feeling, but to state why you are feeling that way, but still in regards to yourself so it is said in a non-threatening manner.

I'll give some examples:
One person may ask the other person when they get home, "where have YOU been?" "Who were you talking to?" Right away this puts the other person on the defensive and feel like they are being attacked. Instead, an I-statement could've been used here: "I am afraid I am going to lose you." "I am feeling insecure and began to think bad thoughts."
Another example is: "When are YOU going to stop reading that book?". Proper I-statement: "I would like to spend some time with you."

The difficultly comes I think, with our natural tendency to protect ourselves with our defense mechanisms. The person got hurt, either by reality or by their own thoughts running through their head. And the tendency is to protect yourself by attacking the other person. Instead I am asking you to be even more vulnerable by using an I-statement. That is why it is so difficult to use and why many do not use it the proper way.

But when a couple makes that commitment to stop hurting each other, you make that commitment to let your walls down, you make that commitment that you will begin to be dependent on someone to not hurt you, you can begin to use I-statements in the right way, and begin to work your way to a more intimate relationship.

Therapy Has Many Different Styles

2008-01-10T08:13:00.000-08:00

Hello and Happy New Year! It has been a while since my last blog; but I am back in the routine of things and will be posting more regularly.

One thing that I am not sure if people understand when they go to see a therapist for any reason is that therapists can come from different theoretical orientations and do therapy vastly different.

Some therapists focus on only solving the problem and will work on only solutions. Other therapists will think that therapy is more of a process and that there are underlying reasons for problem areas that you may not be aware of. Another one can focus more on cognitive thoughts and thought processes that are negatively affecting your life. And yet others can focus more on proper emotional processing to better handle stressors.

There are therapist that only do one or the other and then there are yet others that may use a certain one after they assess and meet with you and use the one that they feel will best suit you. I tend to fall in the latter, but my main orientation is more focused on processing emotions (letting your body experience what it needs to) and making the connection between emotions and cognitions which is called Experiential Therapy or Humanistic Therapy.

When meeting with a therapist for the first time, you may want to ask what orientation they come from and what style of therapy they tend to do and see if that sounds like it would be a good match for you.

Meditation Part II: Being Present

2007-12-16T10:13:00.000-08:00

Ok. So the second part to meditation is the practice of being present. That was sort of a foreign idea to me before, I didn't really know what the heck it meant. I thought of course I'm present what the heck. But now that I did a little training I think I have a better understanding of it.

Being present means that you are not living in your imagination. Awesome examples of this can be found in Byron Katie's website and what she calls "The Work". People are constantly thinking right?, constantly having thoughts go through our heads of the future, the what-if's, the past, the negative core beliefs, what other's may be thinking, etc. Well similar to meditation where you put all of that out of your head, being present is living in reality. Instead of living in your fears, your anxiety, your worries for yourself or others, what is true right now? Live in the right now. Bring your mind and your awareness to what is happening right now.

Right now I am typing this blog and I can feel my fingers on the keys and my body sitting in this chair. I am a bit relaxed and calm. I am not worried about what I am going to do today, what I did yesterday, not thinking that maybe I said something wrong at a party last night, not worried about what others thought about what I wore, etc.

There is a time for our minds to think about what we need to do. That is the job of our minds and we wouldn't get far if we just lived in the present all of the time. But when anxiety and worry and control takes over, that is when we need this reminder that our mind went into overdrive and took over. Right now I need to gain control over my mind and let it rest. That is what being present means to me.

Meditation Part I

2007-12-14T09:35:00.000-08:00

I recently learned about meditation and what it really means and entails. I have to say it is quite interesting. I'm not sure what I thought before. I thought it was something about being somewhere else actually, like looking at your past. But the exact opposite is true of meditation.

Here is what I learned:

Meditation is sitting with yourself in the silence and being exactly where you are in body and mind. So it means to put everything about who you think you are, away, out of your mind. Everything that you identify with, your home, your family, your job, your car, your insecurities, your past, your future, you put it all away and you tell your mind to stop talking.

You ever notice how our minds just go and go and go and think and think and think. Well, during meditation you tell your mind to rest. Of course it is going to try to do its job and start thinking of something else again, but as soon as you realize it, you tell it to rest, and you try to do that without words.

No words.

The idea is that you just sit with yourself in silence and JUST BE.

Letting Our Walls Down

2007-12-05T16:54:00.000-08:00

Most of us who grew up in households where we didn't get what we needed (which is most of us), tend to grow up with a defense of protecting ourselves against harm and/or hurt. Then when we encounter heartbreak, our already fragile self is hurt even more and our walls go up even further. This can lead to a person who becomes very independent and does not learn to rely on other people, because other people hurt them or break their trust. This independence then leads to not letting a significant other in, which in effect can cause conflict, poor communication, and disconnect.

Part of learning to be in an intimate relationship is learning how to depend on someone else. When we have spent most of our lives up to this point, not being dependent on anyone, this is a hard task.

When conflict arises and you find yourself pushing your partner away as they are hitting that wall, stopping, taking a break and looking at what is causing you to protect yourself, can help you to remind yourself that you are bringing your past into the now.

When two people make a decision to work on their relationship and they make that commitment that they are not going to hurt each other anymore, you also have to be willing to let that wall down, trust your partner, and learn to be dependent on them to not hurt you.

Change

2007-12-04T09:52:00.000-08:00

Have you ever noticed how when there is change conflicts and anxieties rise? This is called homeostatic anxiety. Whenever things change people have a tendency to get worried and scared.

Some psychologists say that is because you are unsure of your role in the new situation. It is human nature to want to maintain homeostasis, but when you get stuck in specific patterns of interaction and then positive feedback loops begin to take place, things get to a level of conflict and dysfunction. The best thing to do is to stay flexible and be used to change.
Similar to what the article I posted previously was saying about resiliency; staying flexible will allow one to be more resilient. Kind of like practice makes perfect.

The important thing to remember then is that change is inevitable, conflicts will rise at times of change and transition, be flexible by being aware that change is happening and that our anxieties are increasing, and reassure yourself and others of their new roles.

"The Road To Resilience"

2007-11-27T08:43:00.001-08:00

From the APA Health Center featured topics and articles. This is a great article about overcoming obstacles and building resiliency.

Found at http://apahelpcenter.org/featuredtopics/feature.php?id=6

Introduction

How do people deal with difficult events that change their lives? The death of a loved one, loss of a job, serious illness, terrorist attacks and other traumatic events: these are all examples of very challenging life experiences. Many people react to such circumstances with a flood of strong emotions and a sense of uncertainty.

Yet people generally adapt well over time to life-changing situations and stressful conditions. What enables them to do so? It involves resilience, an ongoing process that requires time and effort and engages people in taking a number of steps.

This brochure is intended to help readers with taking their own road to resilience. The information within describes resilience and some factors that affect how people deal with hardship. Much of the brochure focuses on developing and using a personal strategy for enhancing resilience.

What Is Resilience?

Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or even significant sources of stress -- such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors. It means "bouncing back" from difficult experiences.

Research has shown that resilience is ordinary, not extraordinary. People commonly demonstrate resilience. One example is the response of many Americans to the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks and individuals' efforts to rebuild their lives.

Being resilient does not mean that a person doesn't experience difficulty or distress. Emotional pain and sadness are common in people who have suffered major adversity or trauma in their lives. In fact, the road to resilience is likely to involve considerable emotional distress.

Resilience is not a trait that people either have or do not have. It involves behaviors, thoughts, and actions that can be learned and developed in anyone.

Resilience Factors & Strategies

Factors in Resilience

A combination of factors contributes to resilience. Many studies show that the primary factor in resilience is having caring and supportive relationships within and outside the family. Relationships that create love and trust, provide role models, and offer encouragement and reassurance help bolster a person's resilience.

Several additional factors are associated with resilience, including:

* The capacity to make realistic plans and take steps to carry them out
* A positive view of yourself and confidence in your strengths and abilities
* Skills in communication and problem solving
* The capacity to manage strong feelings and impulses

All of these are factors that people can develop in themselves.

Strategies For Building Resilience

Developing resilience is a personal journey. People do not all react the same to traumatic and stressful life events. An approach to building resilience that works for one person might not work for another. People use varying strategies.

Some variation may reflect cultural differences. A person's culture might have an impact on how he or she communicates feelings and deals with adversity -- for example, whether and how a person connects with significant others, including extended family members and community resources. With growing cultural diversity, the public has greater access to a number of different approaches to building resilience.

Some or many of the ways to build resilience in the following pages may be appropriate to consider in developing your personal strategy.

10 Ways to Build Resilience

Make connections. Good relationships with close family members, friends, or others are important. Accepting help and support from those who care about you and will listen to you strengthens resilience. Some people find that being active in civic groups, faith-based organizations, or other local groups provides social support and can help with reclaiming hope. Assisting others in their time of need also can benefit the helper.

Avoid seeing crises as insurmountable problems. You can't change the fact that highly stressful events happen, but you can change how you interpret and respond to these events. Try looking beyond the present to how future circumstances may be a little better. Note any subtle ways in which you might already feel somewhat better as you deal with difficult situations.

Accept that change is a part of living. Certain goals may no longer be attainable as a result of adverse situations. Accepting circumstances that cannot be changed can help you focus on circumstances that you can alter.

Move toward your goals. Develop some realistic goals. Do something regularly -- even if it seems like a small accomplishment -- that enables you to move toward your goals. Instead of focusing on tasks that seem unachievable, ask yourself, "What's one thing I know I can accomplish today that helps me move in the direction I want to go?"

Take decisive actions. Act on adverse situations as much as you can. Take decisive actions, rather than detaching completely from problems and stresses and wishing they would just go away.

Look for opportunities for self-discovery. People often learn something about themselves and may find that they have grown in some respect as a result of their struggle with loss. Many people who have experienced tragedies and hardship have reported better relationships, greater sense of strength even while feeling vulnerable, increased sense of self-worth, a more developed spirituality, and heightened appreciation for life.

Nurture a positive view of yourself. Developing confidence in your ability to solve problems and trusting your instincts helps build resilience.

Keep things in perspective. Even when facing very painful events, try to consider the stressful situation in a broader context and keep a long-term perspective. Avoid blowing the event out of proportion.

Maintain a hopeful outlook. An optimistic outlook enables you to expect that good things will happen in your life. Try visualizing what you want, rather than worrying about what you fear.

Take care of yourself. Pay attention to your own needs and feelings. Engage in activities that you enjoy and find relaxing. Exercise regularly. Taking care of yourself helps to keep your mind and body primed to deal with situations that require resilience.

Additional ways of strengthening resilience may be helpful. For example, some people write about their deepest thoughts and feelings related to trauma or other stressful events in their life. Meditation and spiritual practices help some people build connections and restore hope.

The key is to identify ways that are likely to work well for you as part of your own personal strategy for fostering resilience.

Learning From Your Past

Some Questions to Ask Yourself

Focusing on past experiences and sources of personal strength can help you learn about what strategies for building resilience might work for you. By exploring answers to the following questions about yourself and your reactions to challenging life events, you may discover how you can respond effectively to difficult situations in your life.

Consider the following:

* What kinds of events have been most stressful for me?
* How have those events typically affected me?
* Have I found it helpful to think of important people in my life when I am distressed?
* To whom have I reached out for support in working through a traumatic or stressful experience?
* What have I learned about myself and my interactions with others during difficult times?
* Has it been helpful for me to assist someone else going through a similar experience?
* Have I been able to overcome obstacles, and if so, how?
* What has helped make me feel more hopeful about the future?

Staying Flexible

Resilience involves maintaining flexibility and balance in your life as you deal with stressful circumstances and traumatic events. This happens in several ways, including:

* Letting yourself experience strong emotions, and also realizing when you may need to avoid experiencing them at times in order to continue functioning
* Stepping forward and taking action to deal with your problems and meet the demands of daily living, and also stepping back to rest and reenergize yourself
* Spending time with loved ones to gain support and encouragement, and also nurturing yourself
* Relying on others, and also relying on yourself

Places To Look For Help

Getting help when you need it is crucial in building your resilience. Beyond caring family members and friends, people often find it helpful to turn to:

Self-help and support groups. Such community groups can aid people struggling with hardships such as the death of a loved one. By sharing information, ideas, and emotions, group participants can assist one another and find comfort in knowing that they are not alone in experiencing difficulty.

Books and other publications by people who have successfully managed adverse situations such as surviving cancer. These stories can motivate readers to find a strategy that might work for them personally.

Online resources. Information on the web can be a helpful source of ideas, though the quality of information varies among sources.

For many people, using their own resources and the kinds of help listed above may be sufficient for building resilience. At times, however, an individual might get stuck or have difficulty making progress on the road to resilience.

A licensed mental health professional such as a psychologist can assist people in developing an appropriate strategy for moving forward. It is important to get professional help if you feel like you are unable to function or perform basic activities of daily living as a result of a traumatic or other stressful life experience.

Different people tend to be comfortable with somewhat different styles of interaction. A person should feel at ease and have good rapport in working with a mental health professional or participating in a support group.

Continuing On Your Journey

To help summarize several of the main points in this brochure, think of resilience as similar to taking a raft trip down a river.

On a river, you may encounter rapids, turns, slow water, and shallows. As in life, the changes you experience affect you differently along the way.

In traveling the river, it helps to have knowledge about it and past experience in dealing with it. Your journey should be guided by a plan, a strategy that you consider likely to work well for you.

Perseverance and trust in your ability to work your way around boulders and other obstacles are important. You can gain courage and insight by successfully navigating your way through white water. Trusted companions who accompany you on the journey can be especially helpful for dealing with rapids, upstream currents, and other difficult stretches of the river.

You can climb out to rest alongside the river. But to get to the end of your journey, you need to get back in the raft and continue.

Masks

2007-11-26T15:06:00.000-08:00

I think the tendency for us to portray ourselves a certain way is interesting. We all have this mask we present to people, whether it be as a strong person, a weak person, a kind person, a quiet person, a loud person, a confident person. There are a few different reasons why we use these masks to protect ourselves, because we are scared, because we are insecure, because we have learned to use them that way.

A large part of growing is to learn how to integrate the person you are inside and the person you portray. You can be both. People tend to get stuck in this either or mentality, I'm either strong or I'm weak. Very black and white thinking. Therapy likes the gray area. Sometimes you can be strong and sometimes you can be weak, you can be both. The growing part comes when you work on the reasons why you are scared, or have fears, or working out your insecurities, so that you can embrace the person you are inside and out and be whole.

Sometimes people with a strong mask can get caught up thinking about their fears and insecurities and feel lost in hopelessness. To that I sometimes remind them that they have this mask also. The mask is a part of you and you can get in touch with it.

Some would argue that in order to combine the two and be a whole person, one would need to completely break apart first in order to put all the pieces back together again. There is some truth to this, but it's not as scary as it sounds.

One needs to examine all the parts of what makes them who they are, thoroughly. This would require looking at things in your life that have brought you pain, suffering, resentments, anger, etc. As well as figuring out what you believe, what your thoughts are, and what your values and morals are. Basically differentiating yourself.

The mask nor the person inside does not need to be the only you. You can have different aspects to you and be both. The other thing to always remember is that everyone is just as insecure as you. Everyone is thinking about themselves and how they seem in the eyes of other people.

Worry and Control

2007-11-20T09:23:00.001-08:00

Sometimes we can make ourselves crazy by worry, anxiety, and stress. At the root of most of anxiety is the notion of control. Fear of losing control, fear of not having control. The one thing we are all in control of is ourselves. Even despite hormonal and chemical changes in our bodies, we do have the power to control our expressions of emotions and our behaviors. We are in control of our own bodies. Even our thoughts, though we get random ones throughout the day and sometimes thoughts just pop into our heads that are ridiculous or irrational; we still have the power and control to tell ourselves they are just that.

I get many people that get anxieties and worries about things that are outside of them and that they cannot control. That reminds me of the serenity prayer: "Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." You can interchange the first word of change with control. Many people make themselves sick thinking about things they have no control over. If you can focus that energy onto something you do have control over (you), you might find yourself feeling better and achieving a greater sense of awareness.

Fear of losing control is a trickier one. The thing with that is to realize that we really don't have that much control over anything other than ourselves. So you can go ahead and fear losing something or someone and it is valid and we all fear loss, but when it comes down to it, we do not have control over those things we think we do. Again, people can make themselves sick with the thoughts of losing control over their world. The trick is to appreciate, value, respect, and nurture the things that we have, while we have them. But we do not control them. The only thing we control is ourselves. Acceptance of this comes with a clear differentiation of self and a being ok and confident with who you are.