Of all the things I wear, my expression is the most important
The heaviest thing I can carry is a grudge
One thing I can give and still keep: my word
One thing I can't recycle is wasted time
I lie the loudest when I lie to myself
Ideas won't work unless 'I' do
My mind is like a parachute... it functions only when open
A poem by Maya Angelou
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
something perfect to wear if the employer,
or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a youth she's content to leave behind....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for a meal,
that will make her guests feel honored...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a feeling of control over her destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without;
ruining the friendship...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect..but it's over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone even if she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Find That Old Spark, The Butterflies
I've seen where couples get to a point where they don't really like each other anymore. They focus on all the bad irritating things and create an environment of positive feedback loops, where the irritation, annoyance, attitudes, expressions become worse and escalated with each interaction. They come to counseling and want to know how to get along better.
First of all, you both need to have that willingness I spoke of a while back. Next you need to let go of those ideals and really look at your partner for who they are and begin to focus on the things that you do like, you do admire, you do appreciate. This would be a part of Solutions Focused Therapy where it says if you start to focus on solutions and strengths and positives, you will begin to feel that way. It is work. Being in a relationship takes work. It is very beneficial to constantly remind yourself what you appreciate from your partner.
Another thing I like to do that keeps that spark alive for me is to look at my husband like I am looking at him for the first time. I almost have to put everything else out of my mind and just see him as that first day I met him. I actually remind myself of all those butterflies I felt and I look at the first things that attracted me to him, like his eyes, his shyness, his generosity, his hair, etc. Don't lose those butterflies. Remind yourself of them, put yourself back in that day when you felt them for your partner. Look at your partner with those eyes and you can find that spark again, the butterflies.
First of all, you both need to have that willingness I spoke of a while back. Next you need to let go of those ideals and really look at your partner for who they are and begin to focus on the things that you do like, you do admire, you do appreciate. This would be a part of Solutions Focused Therapy where it says if you start to focus on solutions and strengths and positives, you will begin to feel that way. It is work. Being in a relationship takes work. It is very beneficial to constantly remind yourself what you appreciate from your partner.
Another thing I like to do that keeps that spark alive for me is to look at my husband like I am looking at him for the first time. I almost have to put everything else out of my mind and just see him as that first day I met him. I actually remind myself of all those butterflies I felt and I look at the first things that attracted me to him, like his eyes, his shyness, his generosity, his hair, etc. Don't lose those butterflies. Remind yourself of them, put yourself back in that day when you felt them for your partner. Look at your partner with those eyes and you can find that spark again, the butterflies.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Ideals
It is a normal part of the course of the relationship to somewhat fall in love with the ideal of someone. We will tend to fill in some blanks that we don't know yet, at the beginning of a relationship. What becomes a problem though is when we hold on to those ideals and then expect our partner to be that instead of what they really are.
A fantastic movie that illustrates this point well is "The Painted Veil" with Edward Norton and Naomi Watts. There is a fantastic quote by Edwards character about 2/3 of the way through the movie. It goes something like this, "It was silly of us to look for qualities in each other we never had". It is so true too. It seems that we put ourselves through this struggle and torture when we are frustrated because our partner is not what we want. You have to finally give up and realize that you have to appreciate your partner for who they are, not what you want them to be.
When you stop and really look at your partner, like in the movie, the hope would be that you see them for who they really are and you can admire that in them. Stop the struggle and turmoil. You cannot continue to look for qualities in your partner that they do not possess.
It seems that for a lot of couples this realization comes too late or never. The struggle becomes the marriage and they never realize they are looking for that ideal still. The ideal is just a stage and a short one at that. There is a point in the beginning of a relationship where you have to begin to get to know your partner for who they are. For some this comes later, which is fine as long as you do learn who your partner really is and you can appreciate, admire, and adore them for the qualities they do possess.
A fantastic movie that illustrates this point well is "The Painted Veil" with Edward Norton and Naomi Watts. There is a fantastic quote by Edwards character about 2/3 of the way through the movie. It goes something like this, "It was silly of us to look for qualities in each other we never had". It is so true too. It seems that we put ourselves through this struggle and torture when we are frustrated because our partner is not what we want. You have to finally give up and realize that you have to appreciate your partner for who they are, not what you want them to be.
When you stop and really look at your partner, like in the movie, the hope would be that you see them for who they really are and you can admire that in them. Stop the struggle and turmoil. You cannot continue to look for qualities in your partner that they do not possess.
It seems that for a lot of couples this realization comes too late or never. The struggle becomes the marriage and they never realize they are looking for that ideal still. The ideal is just a stage and a short one at that. There is a point in the beginning of a relationship where you have to begin to get to know your partner for who they are. For some this comes later, which is fine as long as you do learn who your partner really is and you can appreciate, admire, and adore them for the qualities they do possess.
Monday, November 5, 2007
One Thing At A Time
When looking to improve yourself or make changes to your behavior it is important to remember that you can only work on one thing at a time.
If you are trying to practice more effective communication techniques, it would be impossible to work on all of them at the same time and see any changes. This is true for most everything. Even if you are trying to lose weight by eating better. It would be more effective to cut out soda first and get used to a diet without soda, then cut out deserts, then take 10 minute walks. Things taken one at a time are more likely to be achievable and attainable.
Since the goal of this blog is more about relationship styles, let us bring it back to communication. Looking at the previous blogs of effective communication tips, it would be wise to pick only one thing that you don't do that you can start trying to do. I like to start with the I-statements. Make an effort to communicate using I-messages. This does NOT mean saying I would like for YOU to do this. An I-message is about what the I person is feeling, why they are feelings, or what is going on inside of them. Mostly it is about disclosing our fears, hurt, pain, vulnerability, loneliness, rejection. Instead of feeling those things, many will turn to anger and blame and put the other person on the defensive.
Since a relationship involves two people though, it is even more important for the I-message to be received well. When making a I-message we are being vulnerable, and our partner should not expose that vulnerability and make it larger, but rather protect and cover up the vulnerability so we feel safe.
That is going to take me back to willingness and making that commitment to not hurt your partner anymore.
After you begin making more I-statements and the both of you are on the same page with that, you can begin working on another technique.
If you are trying to practice more effective communication techniques, it would be impossible to work on all of them at the same time and see any changes. This is true for most everything. Even if you are trying to lose weight by eating better. It would be more effective to cut out soda first and get used to a diet without soda, then cut out deserts, then take 10 minute walks. Things taken one at a time are more likely to be achievable and attainable.
Since the goal of this blog is more about relationship styles, let us bring it back to communication. Looking at the previous blogs of effective communication tips, it would be wise to pick only one thing that you don't do that you can start trying to do. I like to start with the I-statements. Make an effort to communicate using I-messages. This does NOT mean saying I would like for YOU to do this. An I-message is about what the I person is feeling, why they are feelings, or what is going on inside of them. Mostly it is about disclosing our fears, hurt, pain, vulnerability, loneliness, rejection. Instead of feeling those things, many will turn to anger and blame and put the other person on the defensive.
Since a relationship involves two people though, it is even more important for the I-message to be received well. When making a I-message we are being vulnerable, and our partner should not expose that vulnerability and make it larger, but rather protect and cover up the vulnerability so we feel safe.
That is going to take me back to willingness and making that commitment to not hurt your partner anymore.
After you begin making more I-statements and the both of you are on the same page with that, you can begin working on another technique.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Waking Up With Back Aches
Here's a post for the body. Do you wake up with back aches? Or even while your sleeping does your lower back hurt?
Something I have started to do that relieves ALL of the aches during sleep and in the morning is started stretching my neck and back. You don't even have to do it every day. Just about once a week. Here's what I do:
This is a wonderful stretch to stretch out your entire back, center, lower, and shoulders. I think what happens is that our backs start to stiffen up and the muscles become rigid if we don't stretch them out and we get those aches during the night because our back muscles aren't flexible.
This is such a simple stretch that has really helped me. Especially since I don't do all the exercise I am supposed to :)
Something I have started to do that relieves ALL of the aches during sleep and in the morning is started stretching my neck and back. You don't even have to do it every day. Just about once a week. Here's what I do:
- Sit on the ground (or even on your bed) with your legs straight out together.
- Put your arms down to your sides and relax your shoulders.
- Now relax your head, by dropping it down, your chin to your chest, but don't force it, just let it relax.
- Feel the stretch all along the center of your back.
- Move your head from side to side to feel the stretch in your shoulders.
This is a wonderful stretch to stretch out your entire back, center, lower, and shoulders. I think what happens is that our backs start to stiffen up and the muscles become rigid if we don't stretch them out and we get those aches during the night because our back muscles aren't flexible.
This is such a simple stretch that has really helped me. Especially since I don't do all the exercise I am supposed to :)
Friday, November 2, 2007
Processing Emotions Cont'd
Another tidbit on processing our emotions: Have you noticed how our society wants everyone to just be ok, just fine, good? It is in our nature to want to make someone feel better or get better sooner rather than later, but at some point it seems it has just become a little extreme. I was reading an article recently, and forgive me for not remembering where, but a lady was talking about how at her mother's funeral she felt as though she could not grieve. She asked, "Whatever happened to the time allowed to people to grieve"?
And it is not only for grieving, but it seems that it the case for all emotions. We are taught to just be ok and stay at this, what I call, an even keel. Don't get too excited, don't get too angry, don't get too sad, don't get too happy.
What can end up happening is that we learn to not express our emotions and that turns into suppressing them. Suppressing our emotions then turns into pathologies i.e. anxiety, obsessive thoughts, excessive fears, depression, because remember, we have no control over our emotions.
Again, I am going to suggest an alternative. Sit with your emotions, talk to yourself, and make that connection between your emotions and your thoughts. Experience the full range of emotions internally, because we have no control over our bodily reaction of emotion, but we do have control over how we express it and handle it. The healthiest thing to do is to acknowledge your emotion and experience it, feel it, label it. After you experience the emotion and label it, then you can do some self-talk to get back to that even keel if need be.
The standards that society puts on us to fit in with everyone else is then to not express our emotions, but what you can and should do is still experience them and go with your body.
And it is not only for grieving, but it seems that it the case for all emotions. We are taught to just be ok and stay at this, what I call, an even keel. Don't get too excited, don't get too angry, don't get too sad, don't get too happy.
What can end up happening is that we learn to not express our emotions and that turns into suppressing them. Suppressing our emotions then turns into pathologies i.e. anxiety, obsessive thoughts, excessive fears, depression, because remember, we have no control over our emotions.
Again, I am going to suggest an alternative. Sit with your emotions, talk to yourself, and make that connection between your emotions and your thoughts. Experience the full range of emotions internally, because we have no control over our bodily reaction of emotion, but we do have control over how we express it and handle it. The healthiest thing to do is to acknowledge your emotion and experience it, feel it, label it. After you experience the emotion and label it, then you can do some self-talk to get back to that even keel if need be.
The standards that society puts on us to fit in with everyone else is then to not express our emotions, but what you can and should do is still experience them and go with your body.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Journal Writing
I am a huge proponent of journal writing. When you begin to write things down it helps you to sort things out. A lot of times though, you'll get to the reasons why. Journal writing is easiest when we are angry probably because we are looking for a way to express our anger. If you really get into it and keep writing, but deeply, you can explore the real reasons why you are angry which a lot of times will be fear, pain, hurt, resentments. All this leads to greater self-awareness.
Anger is the easiest motivation for picking up a pen and writing things down or getting to your electronic journal, and rightly so, anger is an all encompassing emotion, but it can also be helpful when you are feeling confused, overwhelmed, anxious, stressed out, depressed. The reasons why will usually come at the end. When you first begin writing, it allows you to process your emotions. What you are actually doing is bridging that gap, making that connection between emotion and cognition, feeling and thinking. Remember I was talking before about how when that connection is lost, emotional reactions take over and become a positive feedback loop that we don't understand because we haven't kept the cognitions connected to the emotions. Journal writing can help us make those connections again.
One thing to remember about journal writing: when you write things down, they only pertain to that day, at that moment. We think so many things throughout the day and they are ever changing. What journal writing does is allow you to process things at that moment. Hopefully it's a buildup to a breakthrough that goes deep, but that's few and far between. That's not usually what is happening every day. Usually it is a process that we are going through, learning to make that connection again between cognition and emotion. During that process, many things are changing. My point is that when you go back to read it, what you wrote may not make sense to you anymore, and that's ok.
Anger is the easiest motivation for picking up a pen and writing things down or getting to your electronic journal, and rightly so, anger is an all encompassing emotion, but it can also be helpful when you are feeling confused, overwhelmed, anxious, stressed out, depressed. The reasons why will usually come at the end. When you first begin writing, it allows you to process your emotions. What you are actually doing is bridging that gap, making that connection between emotion and cognition, feeling and thinking. Remember I was talking before about how when that connection is lost, emotional reactions take over and become a positive feedback loop that we don't understand because we haven't kept the cognitions connected to the emotions. Journal writing can help us make those connections again.
One thing to remember about journal writing: when you write things down, they only pertain to that day, at that moment. We think so many things throughout the day and they are ever changing. What journal writing does is allow you to process things at that moment. Hopefully it's a buildup to a breakthrough that goes deep, but that's few and far between. That's not usually what is happening every day. Usually it is a process that we are going through, learning to make that connection again between cognition and emotion. During that process, many things are changing. My point is that when you go back to read it, what you wrote may not make sense to you anymore, and that's ok.
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