Have you ever noticed how when there is change conflicts and anxieties rise? This is called homeostatic anxiety. Whenever things change people have a tendency to get worried and scared.
Some psychologists say that is because you are unsure of your role in the new situation. It is human nature to want to maintain homeostasis, but when you get stuck in specific patterns of interaction and then positive feedback loops begin to take place, things get to a level of conflict and dysfunction. The best thing to do is to stay flexible and be used to change.
Similar to what the article I posted previously was saying about resiliency; staying flexible will allow one to be more resilient. Kind of like practice makes perfect.
The important thing to remember then is that change is inevitable, conflicts will rise at times of change and transition, be flexible by being aware that change is happening and that our anxieties are increasing, and reassure yourself and others of their new roles.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
"The Road To Resilience"
From the APA Health Center featured topics and articles. This is a great article about overcoming obstacles and building resiliency.
Found at http://apahelpcenter.org/featuredtopics/feature.php?id=6
Introduction
How do people deal with difficult events that change their lives? The death of a loved one, loss of a job, serious illness, terrorist attacks and other traumatic events: these are all examples of very challenging life experiences. Many people react to such circumstances with a flood of strong emotions and a sense of uncertainty.
Yet people generally adapt well over time to life-changing situations and stressful conditions. What enables them to do so? It involves resilience, an ongoing process that requires time and effort and engages people in taking a number of steps.
This brochure is intended to help readers with taking their own road to resilience. The information within describes resilience and some factors that affect how people deal with hardship. Much of the brochure focuses on developing and using a personal strategy for enhancing resilience.
What Is Resilience?
Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or even significant sources of stress -- such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors. It means "bouncing back" from difficult experiences.
Research has shown that resilience is ordinary, not extraordinary. People commonly demonstrate resilience. One example is the response of many Americans to the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks and individuals' efforts to rebuild their lives.
Being resilient does not mean that a person doesn't experience difficulty or distress. Emotional pain and sadness are common in people who have suffered major adversity or trauma in their lives. In fact, the road to resilience is likely to involve considerable emotional distress.
Resilience is not a trait that people either have or do not have. It involves behaviors, thoughts, and actions that can be learned and developed in anyone.
Resilience Factors & Strategies
Factors in Resilience
A combination of factors contributes to resilience. Many studies show that the primary factor in resilience is having caring and supportive relationships within and outside the family. Relationships that create love and trust, provide role models, and offer encouragement and reassurance help bolster a person's resilience.
Several additional factors are associated with resilience, including:
* The capacity to make realistic plans and take steps to carry them out
* A positive view of yourself and confidence in your strengths and abilities
* Skills in communication and problem solving
* The capacity to manage strong feelings and impulses
All of these are factors that people can develop in themselves.
Strategies For Building Resilience
Developing resilience is a personal journey. People do not all react the same to traumatic and stressful life events. An approach to building resilience that works for one person might not work for another. People use varying strategies.
Some variation may reflect cultural differences. A person's culture might have an impact on how he or she communicates feelings and deals with adversity -- for example, whether and how a person connects with significant others, including extended family members and community resources. With growing cultural diversity, the public has greater access to a number of different approaches to building resilience.
Some or many of the ways to build resilience in the following pages may be appropriate to consider in developing your personal strategy.
10 Ways to Build Resilience
Make connections. Good relationships with close family members, friends, or others are important. Accepting help and support from those who care about you and will listen to you strengthens resilience. Some people find that being active in civic groups, faith-based organizations, or other local groups provides social support and can help with reclaiming hope. Assisting others in their time of need also can benefit the helper.
Avoid seeing crises as insurmountable problems. You can't change the fact that highly stressful events happen, but you can change how you interpret and respond to these events. Try looking beyond the present to how future circumstances may be a little better. Note any subtle ways in which you might already feel somewhat better as you deal with difficult situations.
Accept that change is a part of living. Certain goals may no longer be attainable as a result of adverse situations. Accepting circumstances that cannot be changed can help you focus on circumstances that you can alter.
Move toward your goals. Develop some realistic goals. Do something regularly -- even if it seems like a small accomplishment -- that enables you to move toward your goals. Instead of focusing on tasks that seem unachievable, ask yourself, "What's one thing I know I can accomplish today that helps me move in the direction I want to go?"
Take decisive actions. Act on adverse situations as much as you can. Take decisive actions, rather than detaching completely from problems and stresses and wishing they would just go away.
Look for opportunities for self-discovery. People often learn something about themselves and may find that they have grown in some respect as a result of their struggle with loss. Many people who have experienced tragedies and hardship have reported better relationships, greater sense of strength even while feeling vulnerable, increased sense of self-worth, a more developed spirituality, and heightened appreciation for life.
Nurture a positive view of yourself. Developing confidence in your ability to solve problems and trusting your instincts helps build resilience.
Keep things in perspective. Even when facing very painful events, try to consider the stressful situation in a broader context and keep a long-term perspective. Avoid blowing the event out of proportion.
Maintain a hopeful outlook. An optimistic outlook enables you to expect that good things will happen in your life. Try visualizing what you want, rather than worrying about what you fear.
Take care of yourself. Pay attention to your own needs and feelings. Engage in activities that you enjoy and find relaxing. Exercise regularly. Taking care of yourself helps to keep your mind and body primed to deal with situations that require resilience.
Additional ways of strengthening resilience may be helpful. For example, some people write about their deepest thoughts and feelings related to trauma or other stressful events in their life. Meditation and spiritual practices help some people build connections and restore hope.
The key is to identify ways that are likely to work well for you as part of your own personal strategy for fostering resilience.
Learning From Your Past
Some Questions to Ask Yourself
Focusing on past experiences and sources of personal strength can help you learn about what strategies for building resilience might work for you. By exploring answers to the following questions about yourself and your reactions to challenging life events, you may discover how you can respond effectively to difficult situations in your life.
Consider the following:
* What kinds of events have been most stressful for me?
* How have those events typically affected me?
* Have I found it helpful to think of important people in my life when I am distressed?
* To whom have I reached out for support in working through a traumatic or stressful experience?
* What have I learned about myself and my interactions with others during difficult times?
* Has it been helpful for me to assist someone else going through a similar experience?
* Have I been able to overcome obstacles, and if so, how?
* What has helped make me feel more hopeful about the future?
Staying Flexible
Resilience involves maintaining flexibility and balance in your life as you deal with stressful circumstances and traumatic events. This happens in several ways, including:
* Letting yourself experience strong emotions, and also realizing when you may need to avoid experiencing them at times in order to continue functioning
* Stepping forward and taking action to deal with your problems and meet the demands of daily living, and also stepping back to rest and reenergize yourself
* Spending time with loved ones to gain support and encouragement, and also nurturing yourself
* Relying on others, and also relying on yourself
Places To Look For Help
Getting help when you need it is crucial in building your resilience. Beyond caring family members and friends, people often find it helpful to turn to:
Self-help and support groups. Such community groups can aid people struggling with hardships such as the death of a loved one. By sharing information, ideas, and emotions, group participants can assist one another and find comfort in knowing that they are not alone in experiencing difficulty.
Books and other publications by people who have successfully managed adverse situations such as surviving cancer. These stories can motivate readers to find a strategy that might work for them personally.
Online resources. Information on the web can be a helpful source of ideas, though the quality of information varies among sources.
For many people, using their own resources and the kinds of help listed above may be sufficient for building resilience. At times, however, an individual might get stuck or have difficulty making progress on the road to resilience.
A licensed mental health professional such as a psychologist can assist people in developing an appropriate strategy for moving forward. It is important to get professional help if you feel like you are unable to function or perform basic activities of daily living as a result of a traumatic or other stressful life experience.
Different people tend to be comfortable with somewhat different styles of interaction. A person should feel at ease and have good rapport in working with a mental health professional or participating in a support group.
Continuing On Your Journey
To help summarize several of the main points in this brochure, think of resilience as similar to taking a raft trip down a river.
On a river, you may encounter rapids, turns, slow water, and shallows. As in life, the changes you experience affect you differently along the way.
In traveling the river, it helps to have knowledge about it and past experience in dealing with it. Your journey should be guided by a plan, a strategy that you consider likely to work well for you.
Perseverance and trust in your ability to work your way around boulders and other obstacles are important. You can gain courage and insight by successfully navigating your way through white water. Trusted companions who accompany you on the journey can be especially helpful for dealing with rapids, upstream currents, and other difficult stretches of the river.
You can climb out to rest alongside the river. But to get to the end of your journey, you need to get back in the raft and continue.
Found at http://apahelpcenter.org/featuredtopics/feature.php?id=6
Introduction
How do people deal with difficult events that change their lives? The death of a loved one, loss of a job, serious illness, terrorist attacks and other traumatic events: these are all examples of very challenging life experiences. Many people react to such circumstances with a flood of strong emotions and a sense of uncertainty.
Yet people generally adapt well over time to life-changing situations and stressful conditions. What enables them to do so? It involves resilience, an ongoing process that requires time and effort and engages people in taking a number of steps.
This brochure is intended to help readers with taking their own road to resilience. The information within describes resilience and some factors that affect how people deal with hardship. Much of the brochure focuses on developing and using a personal strategy for enhancing resilience.
What Is Resilience?
Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or even significant sources of stress -- such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors. It means "bouncing back" from difficult experiences.
Research has shown that resilience is ordinary, not extraordinary. People commonly demonstrate resilience. One example is the response of many Americans to the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks and individuals' efforts to rebuild their lives.
Being resilient does not mean that a person doesn't experience difficulty or distress. Emotional pain and sadness are common in people who have suffered major adversity or trauma in their lives. In fact, the road to resilience is likely to involve considerable emotional distress.
Resilience is not a trait that people either have or do not have. It involves behaviors, thoughts, and actions that can be learned and developed in anyone.
Resilience Factors & Strategies
Factors in Resilience
A combination of factors contributes to resilience. Many studies show that the primary factor in resilience is having caring and supportive relationships within and outside the family. Relationships that create love and trust, provide role models, and offer encouragement and reassurance help bolster a person's resilience.
Several additional factors are associated with resilience, including:
* The capacity to make realistic plans and take steps to carry them out
* A positive view of yourself and confidence in your strengths and abilities
* Skills in communication and problem solving
* The capacity to manage strong feelings and impulses
All of these are factors that people can develop in themselves.
Strategies For Building Resilience
Developing resilience is a personal journey. People do not all react the same to traumatic and stressful life events. An approach to building resilience that works for one person might not work for another. People use varying strategies.
Some variation may reflect cultural differences. A person's culture might have an impact on how he or she communicates feelings and deals with adversity -- for example, whether and how a person connects with significant others, including extended family members and community resources. With growing cultural diversity, the public has greater access to a number of different approaches to building resilience.
Some or many of the ways to build resilience in the following pages may be appropriate to consider in developing your personal strategy.
10 Ways to Build Resilience
Make connections. Good relationships with close family members, friends, or others are important. Accepting help and support from those who care about you and will listen to you strengthens resilience. Some people find that being active in civic groups, faith-based organizations, or other local groups provides social support and can help with reclaiming hope. Assisting others in their time of need also can benefit the helper.
Avoid seeing crises as insurmountable problems. You can't change the fact that highly stressful events happen, but you can change how you interpret and respond to these events. Try looking beyond the present to how future circumstances may be a little better. Note any subtle ways in which you might already feel somewhat better as you deal with difficult situations.
Accept that change is a part of living. Certain goals may no longer be attainable as a result of adverse situations. Accepting circumstances that cannot be changed can help you focus on circumstances that you can alter.
Move toward your goals. Develop some realistic goals. Do something regularly -- even if it seems like a small accomplishment -- that enables you to move toward your goals. Instead of focusing on tasks that seem unachievable, ask yourself, "What's one thing I know I can accomplish today that helps me move in the direction I want to go?"
Take decisive actions. Act on adverse situations as much as you can. Take decisive actions, rather than detaching completely from problems and stresses and wishing they would just go away.
Look for opportunities for self-discovery. People often learn something about themselves and may find that they have grown in some respect as a result of their struggle with loss. Many people who have experienced tragedies and hardship have reported better relationships, greater sense of strength even while feeling vulnerable, increased sense of self-worth, a more developed spirituality, and heightened appreciation for life.
Nurture a positive view of yourself. Developing confidence in your ability to solve problems and trusting your instincts helps build resilience.
Keep things in perspective. Even when facing very painful events, try to consider the stressful situation in a broader context and keep a long-term perspective. Avoid blowing the event out of proportion.
Maintain a hopeful outlook. An optimistic outlook enables you to expect that good things will happen in your life. Try visualizing what you want, rather than worrying about what you fear.
Take care of yourself. Pay attention to your own needs and feelings. Engage in activities that you enjoy and find relaxing. Exercise regularly. Taking care of yourself helps to keep your mind and body primed to deal with situations that require resilience.
Additional ways of strengthening resilience may be helpful. For example, some people write about their deepest thoughts and feelings related to trauma or other stressful events in their life. Meditation and spiritual practices help some people build connections and restore hope.
The key is to identify ways that are likely to work well for you as part of your own personal strategy for fostering resilience.
Learning From Your Past
Some Questions to Ask Yourself
Focusing on past experiences and sources of personal strength can help you learn about what strategies for building resilience might work for you. By exploring answers to the following questions about yourself and your reactions to challenging life events, you may discover how you can respond effectively to difficult situations in your life.
Consider the following:
* What kinds of events have been most stressful for me?
* How have those events typically affected me?
* Have I found it helpful to think of important people in my life when I am distressed?
* To whom have I reached out for support in working through a traumatic or stressful experience?
* What have I learned about myself and my interactions with others during difficult times?
* Has it been helpful for me to assist someone else going through a similar experience?
* Have I been able to overcome obstacles, and if so, how?
* What has helped make me feel more hopeful about the future?
Staying Flexible
Resilience involves maintaining flexibility and balance in your life as you deal with stressful circumstances and traumatic events. This happens in several ways, including:
* Letting yourself experience strong emotions, and also realizing when you may need to avoid experiencing them at times in order to continue functioning
* Stepping forward and taking action to deal with your problems and meet the demands of daily living, and also stepping back to rest and reenergize yourself
* Spending time with loved ones to gain support and encouragement, and also nurturing yourself
* Relying on others, and also relying on yourself
Places To Look For Help
Getting help when you need it is crucial in building your resilience. Beyond caring family members and friends, people often find it helpful to turn to:
Self-help and support groups. Such community groups can aid people struggling with hardships such as the death of a loved one. By sharing information, ideas, and emotions, group participants can assist one another and find comfort in knowing that they are not alone in experiencing difficulty.
Books and other publications by people who have successfully managed adverse situations such as surviving cancer. These stories can motivate readers to find a strategy that might work for them personally.
Online resources. Information on the web can be a helpful source of ideas, though the quality of information varies among sources.
For many people, using their own resources and the kinds of help listed above may be sufficient for building resilience. At times, however, an individual might get stuck or have difficulty making progress on the road to resilience.
A licensed mental health professional such as a psychologist can assist people in developing an appropriate strategy for moving forward. It is important to get professional help if you feel like you are unable to function or perform basic activities of daily living as a result of a traumatic or other stressful life experience.
Different people tend to be comfortable with somewhat different styles of interaction. A person should feel at ease and have good rapport in working with a mental health professional or participating in a support group.
Continuing On Your Journey
To help summarize several of the main points in this brochure, think of resilience as similar to taking a raft trip down a river.
On a river, you may encounter rapids, turns, slow water, and shallows. As in life, the changes you experience affect you differently along the way.
In traveling the river, it helps to have knowledge about it and past experience in dealing with it. Your journey should be guided by a plan, a strategy that you consider likely to work well for you.
Perseverance and trust in your ability to work your way around boulders and other obstacles are important. You can gain courage and insight by successfully navigating your way through white water. Trusted companions who accompany you on the journey can be especially helpful for dealing with rapids, upstream currents, and other difficult stretches of the river.
You can climb out to rest alongside the river. But to get to the end of your journey, you need to get back in the raft and continue.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Masks
I think the tendency for us to portray ourselves a certain way is interesting. We all have this mask we present to people, whether it be as a strong person, a weak person, a kind person, a quiet person, a loud person, a confident person. There are a few different reasons why we use these masks to protect ourselves, because we are scared, because we are insecure, because we have learned to use them that way.
A large part of growing is to learn how to integrate the person you are inside and the person you portray. You can be both. People tend to get stuck in this either or mentality, I'm either strong or I'm weak. Very black and white thinking. Therapy likes the gray area. Sometimes you can be strong and sometimes you can be weak, you can be both. The growing part comes when you work on the reasons why you are scared, or have fears, or working out your insecurities, so that you can embrace the person you are inside and out and be whole.
Sometimes people with a strong mask can get caught up thinking about their fears and insecurities and feel lost in hopelessness. To that I sometimes remind them that they have this mask also. The mask is a part of you and you can get in touch with it.
Some would argue that in order to combine the two and be a whole person, one would need to completely break apart first in order to put all the pieces back together again. There is some truth to this, but it's not as scary as it sounds.
One needs to examine all the parts of what makes them who they are, thoroughly. This would require looking at things in your life that have brought you pain, suffering, resentments, anger, etc. As well as figuring out what you believe, what your thoughts are, and what your values and morals are. Basically differentiating yourself.
The mask nor the person inside does not need to be the only you. You can have different aspects to you and be both. The other thing to always remember is that everyone is just as insecure as you. Everyone is thinking about themselves and how they seem in the eyes of other people.
A large part of growing is to learn how to integrate the person you are inside and the person you portray. You can be both. People tend to get stuck in this either or mentality, I'm either strong or I'm weak. Very black and white thinking. Therapy likes the gray area. Sometimes you can be strong and sometimes you can be weak, you can be both. The growing part comes when you work on the reasons why you are scared, or have fears, or working out your insecurities, so that you can embrace the person you are inside and out and be whole.
Sometimes people with a strong mask can get caught up thinking about their fears and insecurities and feel lost in hopelessness. To that I sometimes remind them that they have this mask also. The mask is a part of you and you can get in touch with it.
Some would argue that in order to combine the two and be a whole person, one would need to completely break apart first in order to put all the pieces back together again. There is some truth to this, but it's not as scary as it sounds.
One needs to examine all the parts of what makes them who they are, thoroughly. This would require looking at things in your life that have brought you pain, suffering, resentments, anger, etc. As well as figuring out what you believe, what your thoughts are, and what your values and morals are. Basically differentiating yourself.
The mask nor the person inside does not need to be the only you. You can have different aspects to you and be both. The other thing to always remember is that everyone is just as insecure as you. Everyone is thinking about themselves and how they seem in the eyes of other people.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Worry and Control
Sometimes we can make ourselves crazy by worry, anxiety, and stress. At the root of most of anxiety is the notion of control. Fear of losing control, fear of not having control. The one thing we are all in control of is ourselves. Even despite hormonal and chemical changes in our bodies, we do have the power to control our expressions of emotions and our behaviors. We are in control of our own bodies. Even our thoughts, though we get random ones throughout the day and sometimes thoughts just pop into our heads that are ridiculous or irrational; we still have the power and control to tell ourselves they are just that.
I get many people that get anxieties and worries about things that are outside of them and that they cannot control. That reminds me of the serenity prayer: "Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." You can interchange the first word of change with control. Many people make themselves sick thinking about things they have no control over. If you can focus that energy onto something you do have control over (you), you might find yourself feeling better and achieving a greater sense of awareness.
Fear of losing control is a trickier one. The thing with that is to realize that we really don't have that much control over anything other than ourselves. So you can go ahead and fear losing something or someone and it is valid and we all fear loss, but when it comes down to it, we do not have control over those things we think we do. Again, people can make themselves sick with the thoughts of losing control over their world. The trick is to appreciate, value, respect, and nurture the things that we have, while we have them. But we do not control them. The only thing we control is ourselves. Acceptance of this comes with a clear differentiation of self and a being ok and confident with who you are.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
By: George Carlin
-
Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
-
Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
-
Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
-
Enjoy the simple things.
-
Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
-
The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
Be ALIVE while you are alive. -
Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, friends, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
-
Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,
improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. -
Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
-
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Setting Boundaries/ Taking Advantage
One thing I like to discuss with people is the truth that it is human nature to try to test boundaries. Of course the most obvious is children, but the fact is that we do it throughout our entire lives.
One of my key sayings is that if you let someone take advantage, they will. Not their fault, yours.
Part of having a distinct and clear differentiation of self is to also know your own boundaries for other people. We teach others how to treat us. (Don't forget, there are so many varying degrees and different situations in real life that I talk more in generalizations.)
Ideally in a connected intimate relationship, there would be no more testing to see how far or what you can get a way with. But we are human, and it happens. I actually found myself doing it to my husband about 6 months ago. We were moving furniture together and I spoke to him in a condescending way. In the past he may have just taken it and not said anything to me, thus teaching me that I can talk to him in that way. But instead (he's been working on his boundaries) he told me not to talk to him that way and looked me straight in the eye, thus teaching me that I cannot speak to him that way.
This happens so subtly. We don't really even know what is happening. Even those people with strong boundaries, probably don't even know that they have strong boundaries and that they teach people how to treat them. People who value respect and want to be respected will usually have distinct boundaries. It's the little things that add up to a pattern, an attitude, a belief. That's why I say you take it one thing at a time. It really is. That how things get started, or built- one at a time; and that is how you can begin to make change.
Another example is a couple I know that have a very strong relationship. However, for about a year the husband was saying little things here and there about the wifes weight or eating. They were actually not that mean, just comments and the wife did not say anything about them, because she felt a little overweight and insecure with that. Otherwise, she is a very strong person and does have clear boundaries. But this issue was a sore subject for her. Well, it went on for about a year, his comments got a little worse, and a little worse, and she never said anything. She was teaching him that it was ok to talk to her that way and he didn't think anything of it. His intentions were not to hurt her, he was just talking. Finally, it came to a head and she was crying every day for a week. A big fight happened and she finally let him know that what he was saying was hurtful. He hasn't said anything about her weight since then. This is an example of something small and how it turned into a positive feedback loop. She didn't say anything, and so his comments got a little worse each time.
The main point is that we each have control of our own lives. There is no blaming others for how they treat you; you take control of the life around you. Another thing I say is to surround yourself with people who care about you. That gives you more control.
I do have to mention that there is never any excuse for domestic violence and that is NOT what I am speaking about in this blog. I will talk more about domestic violence relationships at a later date.
One of my key sayings is that if you let someone take advantage, they will. Not their fault, yours.
Part of having a distinct and clear differentiation of self is to also know your own boundaries for other people. We teach others how to treat us. (Don't forget, there are so many varying degrees and different situations in real life that I talk more in generalizations.)
Ideally in a connected intimate relationship, there would be no more testing to see how far or what you can get a way with. But we are human, and it happens. I actually found myself doing it to my husband about 6 months ago. We were moving furniture together and I spoke to him in a condescending way. In the past he may have just taken it and not said anything to me, thus teaching me that I can talk to him in that way. But instead (he's been working on his boundaries) he told me not to talk to him that way and looked me straight in the eye, thus teaching me that I cannot speak to him that way.
This happens so subtly. We don't really even know what is happening. Even those people with strong boundaries, probably don't even know that they have strong boundaries and that they teach people how to treat them. People who value respect and want to be respected will usually have distinct boundaries. It's the little things that add up to a pattern, an attitude, a belief. That's why I say you take it one thing at a time. It really is. That how things get started, or built- one at a time; and that is how you can begin to make change.
Another example is a couple I know that have a very strong relationship. However, for about a year the husband was saying little things here and there about the wifes weight or eating. They were actually not that mean, just comments and the wife did not say anything about them, because she felt a little overweight and insecure with that. Otherwise, she is a very strong person and does have clear boundaries. But this issue was a sore subject for her. Well, it went on for about a year, his comments got a little worse, and a little worse, and she never said anything. She was teaching him that it was ok to talk to her that way and he didn't think anything of it. His intentions were not to hurt her, he was just talking. Finally, it came to a head and she was crying every day for a week. A big fight happened and she finally let him know that what he was saying was hurtful. He hasn't said anything about her weight since then. This is an example of something small and how it turned into a positive feedback loop. She didn't say anything, and so his comments got a little worse each time.
The main point is that we each have control of our own lives. There is no blaming others for how they treat you; you take control of the life around you. Another thing I say is to surround yourself with people who care about you. That gives you more control.
I do have to mention that there is never any excuse for domestic violence and that is NOT what I am speaking about in this blog. I will talk more about domestic violence relationships at a later date.
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