- Belittling
- Blaming
- Sarcasm
- Rejection
- Corruption
- Screaming
- Humiliation
- Threatening
- Name Calling
- Unpredictable Responses
- Isolation
- Deliberate withholding of love and affection
- Criticizing
- Pointing out flaws in others
- Minimizing
- Trivializing
- Invalidating
- Emotional Blackmail
- Dominating
- Denying
- Judging
- Ordering
- Control
- Expectations
- Narcissism
- Selfishness
- Demean
- Aggression
- Chaos
- Abandonment
Thursday, March 6, 2008
What is Emotional Abuse? Part I
Emotional Abuse is:
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Parenting
In the Sac Bee today there is a brief article by a freelance writer, Joyce Mansfield Syftestad, titled "A Moment of Realization With Teenage Daughter". She says that as she and her daughter went to the beach, she wanted her daughter to wait for her so they could walk together. But her daughter took off to go be a part of the fun. She says, "She was focused on where she was going, what lay ahead. And then it hit me. Rather than waiting for me, she should be looking forward, excited about the future, about what would come next. And as the parent of a teen, my job, now so glaringly clear as I saw her stride away, was to be there to watch her back."
KUDOS TO YOU, Joyce!!!!
That is exactly right! Our job as parents is to teach our children to become self sufficient adults. That does not mean teaching them to meet our needs. We need to be there to meet their needs and "watch their back".
Holding back your children because you feel you need something from them does not do them any favors. Work out your own issues on your time. Now that you are a parent, it is your job to be completely self-less, even though you didn't get that as a child. It is your turn now to meet the needs of your children. And really your parents should have been there and if still capable should still be there to meet your needs. That is the cycle. Your children are children, and is the time in their lives when they should have their parents there to meet all of their needs. And when they get older and have children, then it is the time for them to give of themselves.
We get from our parents and give to our children.
KUDOS TO YOU, Joyce!!!!
That is exactly right! Our job as parents is to teach our children to become self sufficient adults. That does not mean teaching them to meet our needs. We need to be there to meet their needs and "watch their back".
Holding back your children because you feel you need something from them does not do them any favors. Work out your own issues on your time. Now that you are a parent, it is your job to be completely self-less, even though you didn't get that as a child. It is your turn now to meet the needs of your children. And really your parents should have been there and if still capable should still be there to meet your needs. That is the cycle. Your children are children, and is the time in their lives when they should have their parents there to meet all of their needs. And when they get older and have children, then it is the time for them to give of themselves.
We get from our parents and give to our children.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
If You're In A Violent Relationship
If you are in a physically abusive relationship, please know that you deserve better.
Did you know it takes a person an average of 8 times to finally leave an abusive relationship?
This makes me wonder, why? I know there are many factors involved, but bottom line is that physical and emotional abuse is not good for anyone. I once read that a child who sees their mother get abused is worse than if the child gets physically abused themselves. I don't know how true that is, but it makes sense.
I know it is so easy for people to say just leave; but that it is not easy to do.
Some of the first steps include stashing away some money, finding resources, making a plan, having support. It's a process, but there is help out there and again you deserve better. You have strengths inside of you.
Did you know it takes a person an average of 8 times to finally leave an abusive relationship?
This makes me wonder, why? I know there are many factors involved, but bottom line is that physical and emotional abuse is not good for anyone. I once read that a child who sees their mother get abused is worse than if the child gets physically abused themselves. I don't know how true that is, but it makes sense.
I know it is so easy for people to say just leave; but that it is not easy to do.
Some of the first steps include stashing away some money, finding resources, making a plan, having support. It's a process, but there is help out there and again you deserve better. You have strengths inside of you.
Monday, February 18, 2008
What Does it Mean to Have a Disorder?
Sometimes it is difficult to wrap our minds around having a disorder of some sort. But the fact of the matter is, we have all (the majority at least) had a disorder at one time or another in our lives.
The classification system that is in the DSM IV (that is the big book of disorders), is a reference of certain patterns of behavior. And because we are all human, we follow the same certain patterns of behavior, thus called a disorder, when the behaviors become a problem for you.
So it does not mean that you have some sort of thing that can be used to label you as different, although it feels that way.
All it means is that you are human and other humans behave the same way and it can be fixed. Behave changes to the word symptom when the behavior is getting in the way of other areas of your life.
The classification system that is in the DSM IV (that is the big book of disorders), is a reference of certain patterns of behavior. And because we are all human, we follow the same certain patterns of behavior, thus called a disorder, when the behaviors become a problem for you.
So it does not mean that you have some sort of thing that can be used to label you as different, although it feels that way.
All it means is that you are human and other humans behave the same way and it can be fixed. Behave changes to the word symptom when the behavior is getting in the way of other areas of your life.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Problems in a Relationship
Problems in a relationship usually arise when one person needs more from the other person. Let's say you are the person who needs more, more affection, more, attention, more sex, more intimacy, more anything, just more. There are three ways for you to go about this:
One: You get frustrated a lot, conflicts arise, you blame yourself, so you try to change. The one problem with this is that if your partner is not willing to give more and you are making all these changes, then you are just setting yourself up for hurt.
Two: Ask your partner to give you more. Sometimes we just want to be heard and understood (ok, all the time). The goal in relationships is to be open with each other and lower our defensiveness, especially when two people really do want to be together and want the same things. You have to realize you are on the same team, and stop struggling against each other. When trying to achieve a more intimate level of communication, it is ok to ask for more. Maybe that should include what it is in you, that is making you want more.
Three: To build on that last sentence; I challenge you. An alternative to the first two is to challenge yourself to not want more. But not only not want more, but to realize that you don't really want more, you don't really need more, and to be truly happy with the way things are. I challenge you to really think about yourself and why you are needing more. What is it in you that you are not ok with? Do you really need more? Are you just creating friction and frustration in your life because you are just focusing on problems??? Can you focus on the good things and just stop thinking about what is not?
This is of course, not for serious problems (like substance use, abusive relationships, affairs, addictions) or when one person does not want to be in the relationship. This is for couples who both want to be in the relationship and are trying to achieve that intimate level.
One: You get frustrated a lot, conflicts arise, you blame yourself, so you try to change. The one problem with this is that if your partner is not willing to give more and you are making all these changes, then you are just setting yourself up for hurt.
Two: Ask your partner to give you more. Sometimes we just want to be heard and understood (ok, all the time). The goal in relationships is to be open with each other and lower our defensiveness, especially when two people really do want to be together and want the same things. You have to realize you are on the same team, and stop struggling against each other. When trying to achieve a more intimate level of communication, it is ok to ask for more. Maybe that should include what it is in you, that is making you want more.
Three: To build on that last sentence; I challenge you. An alternative to the first two is to challenge yourself to not want more. But not only not want more, but to realize that you don't really want more, you don't really need more, and to be truly happy with the way things are. I challenge you to really think about yourself and why you are needing more. What is it in you that you are not ok with? Do you really need more? Are you just creating friction and frustration in your life because you are just focusing on problems??? Can you focus on the good things and just stop thinking about what is not?
This is of course, not for serious problems (like substance use, abusive relationships, affairs, addictions) or when one person does not want to be in the relationship. This is for couples who both want to be in the relationship and are trying to achieve that intimate level.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Evolution of the Relationship With Your Parents
The evolution of the relationship with our parents is an interesting topic to me. I know I have had to do a lot of accepting of this evolution and change in my own life with my own parents. Add to that the situation that many of us are in with dealing with step-parents and two different sets of parents.
As we become adults there is a transition or evolution in the relationship between us and our parents. I know for me, I had (have) certain expectations of what it is supposed to be like as my parents get older and how they are supposed to be with me and my children. And I am sure that our parents have expectations of what they thought it would be like. I don't think those expectations are the same.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
How Do You "Deal" With Things?
Have you noticed how we throw that term around- deal with? People say, "Oh, you haven't dealt with that yet", or "I've already dealt with it". Well, what does that really mean. From a psychological prospective it basically means two things. One, have you gone through the grieving process. And two, can you honestly answer these two questions- What am I doing? and Why am I doing it?
I believe there are a couple of different types of grievance processes out there, but the basic one is:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance or indifference
Many think this process is only for bereavement, but this is not true. You do not only go through this process when a death has occurred, but rather when loss has occurred. Loss of a marriage, loss of a job, loss of a friendship, loss of a relationship the way it used to be, loss of your childhood, loss of a home, the list goes on and on.
Some will go straight from loss to an indifferent front. Are they really indifferent? Did they go through the process? Did they skip some steps? Are they really still at denial? Everyone does handle things differently and one does not absolutely need to go through all of these steps, but the answer to whether or not you really are indifferent is the second part to dealing with things.
Example: I grew up with abusive parents, I have never been to counseling to sort through my childhood, I still have a relationship with my parents, and I have never gotten angry at them and I say I have dealt with the abuse from my childhood because I am fine now, there's nothing wrong with me. Then I find a special someone and I am in a relationship with them, and I find myself in an argument with them because I don't like how they treat me in certain situations, they ignore me or make hurtful comments about me, so when in that situation I leave and hence, the argument the next day.
So what is really going on in the above example:
What am I doing? I am getting upset at being ignored and made fun of and so I leave, and then talk about it the next day.
The answer if you have dealt with your childhood:
Why am I doing it? I am doing it because I fear getting hurt. It reminds me of my childhood when I would get ignored or my parents said mean and hurtful things about me. I don't like it and take it quite personally, and so I made a decision to leave. I felt like I was being attacked and so I defended myself the next day.
In the above answer I am still bringing my past into the present. But I am aware of it, and I make a decision to still react that way. I know what I am doing and why I am doing it.
When you get to the point of knowing what and why, then the power is yours, you make a conscious decision on your next course of action. You can still choose to bring your past into the present, or you can realize that is what you are doing and choose to look at reality.
The question still remains- have I dealt with my childhood? If you are at indifference or acceptance and you can HONESTLY answer those two questions what and why in every single situation and nothing comes up and you are still indifferent or accepting; then yes, you have dealt with it.
The operative term of course is HONESTLY. You have to really know why you are having an emotional reaction (or negative thought) to a perceived event. And even more importantly, you have to know that you are even having an emotional reaction that is linked to the negative thought you are having.
I believe there are a couple of different types of grievance processes out there, but the basic one is:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance or indifference
Many think this process is only for bereavement, but this is not true. You do not only go through this process when a death has occurred, but rather when loss has occurred. Loss of a marriage, loss of a job, loss of a friendship, loss of a relationship the way it used to be, loss of your childhood, loss of a home, the list goes on and on.
Some will go straight from loss to an indifferent front. Are they really indifferent? Did they go through the process? Did they skip some steps? Are they really still at denial? Everyone does handle things differently and one does not absolutely need to go through all of these steps, but the answer to whether or not you really are indifferent is the second part to dealing with things.
Example: I grew up with abusive parents, I have never been to counseling to sort through my childhood, I still have a relationship with my parents, and I have never gotten angry at them and I say I have dealt with the abuse from my childhood because I am fine now, there's nothing wrong with me. Then I find a special someone and I am in a relationship with them, and I find myself in an argument with them because I don't like how they treat me in certain situations, they ignore me or make hurtful comments about me, so when in that situation I leave and hence, the argument the next day.
So what is really going on in the above example:
What am I doing? I am getting upset at being ignored and made fun of and so I leave, and then talk about it the next day.
The answer if you have dealt with your childhood:
Why am I doing it? I am doing it because I fear getting hurt. It reminds me of my childhood when I would get ignored or my parents said mean and hurtful things about me. I don't like it and take it quite personally, and so I made a decision to leave. I felt like I was being attacked and so I defended myself the next day.
In the above answer I am still bringing my past into the present. But I am aware of it, and I make a decision to still react that way. I know what I am doing and why I am doing it.
When you get to the point of knowing what and why, then the power is yours, you make a conscious decision on your next course of action. You can still choose to bring your past into the present, or you can realize that is what you are doing and choose to look at reality.
The question still remains- have I dealt with my childhood? If you are at indifference or acceptance and you can HONESTLY answer those two questions what and why in every single situation and nothing comes up and you are still indifferent or accepting; then yes, you have dealt with it.
The operative term of course is HONESTLY. You have to really know why you are having an emotional reaction (or negative thought) to a perceived event. And even more importantly, you have to know that you are even having an emotional reaction that is linked to the negative thought you are having.
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