Judgments and Opinions

Nobody's perfect. It's not a justification to judge others when you state that you know you are not perfect. We can have our opinions about things but we really should not put judgments on other people. It actually brings bad energy to yourself and bad karma when you judge others. It's a fine line though, isn't it?
I think it is rather innate in all humans to judge. I think a lot of it goes back to religion, but there is also the part that is about protecting yourself and about being social beings. We automatically judge when someone might pose a danger to us, our family, or our neighborhoods.

But why do so many people do it when there is no danger posed and it doesn't affect them in any way? What gives them the right to judge someone else on what they are wearing, saying, doing, parenting? If there is no serious danger posed, why can't people just live and let live and be happy with themselves?

When you judge others you are not being self-aware. Getting to a higher level of a sense of self and understanding has no room for judging others. If your goal is to be a healthier individual, judging brings negative energy and stress. Judging others goes against what effective communication and being an integral part of a system is all about. If our goal is to communicate effectively, then we need to look at our part in the system. We need to look inward at ourselves and realize we have no right to judge others, as looking at ourselves and analyzing our own thoughts, behaviors, reactions, takes too much energy, there is no room for trying to do that for other people. Being more self-aware does not include helping others be more self-aware based on what you think.

Bottom line: It is so easy to judge others and have your opinions on how you would do something differently, but really, if it doesn't affect you, worry about yourself. How about a little support for others? Caring? Understanding? We have all had difficult times and not made the best of decisions. Let's start acting like members of a community and provide a little understanding and support for our neighbors.

Abusive vs. Non-Abusive Relationships

Uses coercion and threats vs. Negotiation and fairness: seeks mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict; accepts change; is willing to compromise.

Uses intimidation vs. Non-threatening behavior: talks and acts so that she feels safe and comfortable expressing herself and doing things.

Uses emotional abuse vs. Respect: listens to her non-judgmentally; is emotionally affirming and understanding; values opinions.

Uses isolation vs. Trust and support: supports her goals in life; respects her rights to her own feelings, friends, activities and opinions.

Minimizes, denies, blames vs. Honesty and accountability: accepts responsibility for self; acknowledges past use of violence, admits being wrong; communicates openly and truthfully.

Uses children vs. Responsible parenting: shares parental responsibilities; is a positive non-violent role model for the children.

Uses male privilege vs. Shared responsibility: mutually agrees on a fair distribution of work; makes family decisions together.

Uses economic abuse vs. Economic partnership: makes money decisions together; makes sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.

Relationship based on power and control vs. Relationship based on Equality


Information provided by Duluth Domestic Abuse Intervention Project

The Importance of Processing Your Emotions

I have talked a lot about increasing your self-awareness and about our emotions. This blog will focus on emotions themselves.

What are emotions?

Emotions are bodily reactions to our perceptions. We have no control over our emotions. They are dictated by our life experience and formed by what our culture has taught us. They are controlled by our cognitions, mainly what and how we perceive our surroundings. That is what is known scientifically about emotions.

What I know about emotions is that we can experience them, and although they are based in our cognitions, I can have absolutely no idea why I am experiencing a particular emotion. This is why a lot of people will seek out Therapy, to find out what cognitions are there that are making them emotionally react in certain ways. The connection is not always known or understood and it takes exploration of the past to find the connection.

Again, I want to emphasize that we have no control over our emotions. But I mean more in the immediate sense. If you want to stop feeling anxiety, it's going to take changing your experiences to change your cognitions to change your emotional reaction. But in the meantime when you experience anxiety, you experience anxiety. Your body reacts and the control we have then is how we express our emotions.

It is the expression of our emotions that we have control over. Just because you are angry does not mean you have to express your anger. Of course we all need an outlet for our emotions sometimes. That is where we can learn healthy alternatives to expressing our emotions. It is never ok to express our anger by being physical or putting someone else in danger. That is the culture we live in here.

But I suggest an alternative to needing an "outlet" to express your emotions.

A lot of times when people begin to feel depression, fears, nightmares, anxiety, or have obsessional thoughts, it is the body's way of dealing with suppressed emotions. It is compensating for the brain's inability to process the emotions. This is usually because that connection has been lost for so long that we then begin to not allow ourselves to feel the emotions because we don't understand them so we try to suppress them. When that happens the emotions will reemerge in another way, usually a way that becomes dysfunctional. That is why it is so important to understand that we have no control over our emotions; we need to learn how to process them.

In order to do that, we learn to be more self-aware. When you experience anger, sadness, guilt, shame, happiness, love, fear, anxiety, excitement, and the whole host of the emotional range, try to feel what is happening in your body. Are you experiencing a drop in your stomach, tightness in your chest, your heart drop, is your heart beating faster, do you feel light, light-headedness, do you feel hot, tingling in your arms and legs, etc. What is your body doing as its emotional response. Listen to your body. Next it is important to label that emotion. That is for your brain. Put a cognition on that emotion. Ok, my heart is beating faster, my chest is getting tighter, my breathing is getting faster, my face is getting hot, I am angry. When I get that drop in my heart first, and then I feel anger, that is usually because initially I was scared. Usually people get angry or mad because they were in danger. Anger is about protecting ourselves. So a lot of times, anger is really just fear. Most of my examples are anger just because that seems to be the most common, but you can substitute any emotion in there.

When that connection gets lost, we let our emotions take over. That is to say, it becomes a positive feedback loop where we react emotionally to a situation, we don't understand why, so we express our emotions reactively, changing our cognitions to this situation, then we react emotionally to another situation, not understanding that it originally started with the first situation, but now we express our emotions even more reactively, etc. and it gets worse and worse.

Again, it's all about self-awareness. We have the power to stop, breathe, and relax. Just look at ourselves and inward at what is happening to our bodies. That would be processing your emotions. Feel what your body is doing, put a label to it, and then try to be introspective and ask yourself why you are experiencing the emotion. It's important to do this with all of the emotions. Of course certain ones are more critical as they can lead to depression, anxiety, trauma, fear,and obsessions.

When There is a Betrayal

What is the right thing to do when one partner has betrayed the other by either cheating, being addicted to something, or lying?

What does it take for the betrayed to forgive?

The first thing is that the person who committed the betrayal needs to be sincerely remorseful. If that is detected then there is hope for the relationship to make it through this traumatic event.

I get asked a lot, "Can I ask questions about it and when is the right time to discuss it?". The answer is "Yes" and "Whenever you want". If the one who committed the betrayal is truly remorseful and wants to work through this, then they need to be open to answering any questions about it whenever the other person wants to know and not be defensive about it. In order for forgiveness to be achieved it also really helps for the one who committed the betrayal to openly discuss what emotions they are currently feeling about it. Many I-statements about how they were feeling at the time, how guilty they feel, how remorseful they are. When you put someone through that kind of trauma they need to know that you are paying for it.

After this process begins you can then start working on why it happened in the first place and both in the relationship can change to ensure a healthier relationship.

Willingness

So many times people come in for counseling and want help to make their relationships better. The one thing that everyone needs though in order for change is willingness. You'd be surprised how many people say they want the relationship to change but they are not willing to change themselves. They want the other person to change. Well, a relationship is not something that only one person can do, it is a dynamic system where one affects another and so on.

I also hear a lot, "If you just change this first, then I will". That may be the case and be warranted, but the trick is then that you have to be willing to accept your partners change. If they do make a change, and you don't accept it, acknowledge it, and appreciate it, then you are unwilling.

What does willingness entail?

It starts by looking at yourself and what you can do to make the relationship better.
It takes being open to learning about your partner and psycho-education.
It takes reflection on your behaviors, attitudes, and emotions.
It takes stopping in the middle of an argument and realizing that you are playing into the positive feedback loop and you are supposed to be working on your relationship.
It takes making a conscious effort to make I-statements.
It takes being positively responsive to your partner.
It takes making a decision that this is what you are going to work for, fight for, and commit to.
It takes commitment to yourself and your partner that you are not going to hurt them anymore.
It takes increasing your self-awareness.

You have to be willing to make your relationship better if that is what you want.

Defensiveness

I feel the need to elaborate on the subject of defensiveness.

We all do it, I know. We are know we are not supposed to get defensive. But when people "attack" us we feel the need to "explain" why or give excuses. In relationships this is a fine line. Sometimes an explanation is needed and other times one is just being defensive and is being harmful to the relationship.

What is the difference?

When someone is opening up to you and bringing up a subject that you do or could improve on they are just talking about that- which is really their feelings. Something you did or said or didn't do hurt their feelings and they are expressing it. This is when it is important to not get defensive, not explain yourself, and not give excuses for why you cannot do what they are asking. What's really going on is they are hurt, they bring it up to you, you get the feeling like you are being attacked, and so you get defensive.

What should happen is when they first bring it up, you should just listen. Try to understand that they are hurt. The next step is to apologize for hurting them. A lot times people just want to hear an apology- that you did not mean to hurt their feelings. The third step is to say that you will work on it- and mean it. The fourth step is to ask for forgiveness.

When it is ok to give excuses, explanations, or be defensive?

When they ask you why. If they do not ask you why then they are not asking for an explanation and it is important to not get defensive.

The Power of Our Minds

Have you ever wondered how folk healers or shamans can really help people get better???

I don't think we give enough credit to who we actually are. We don't give our minds and the power of us enough control.

I believe Folk Healers and Shamans work because they make you BELIEVE you will get better. They tell you there is an evil entity in you, they locate it, and they remove it with powerful force (as an example). You believe they took it out and you are cured. It's not magic on their part; it's magic on yours. It's something that is already within each and every one of us. It starts with learning to be self-aware and learning to talk to yourself when you are listening. You can tell yourself anything.

Have you ever wondered just how much control you have over your mood, feelings, thoughts, if really it is all just controlled by chemicals and neurotransmitters???

I wonder about this at least monthly!!! ;) Women get irritated, bitchy, in a "bad mood" during PMS. Why? Because their hormones change during that time. So if it is just hormones changing, how can hormones actually change who we are during that time? Are we just controlled by these substances and there is no us? Are we just reactive to the chemicals in our bodies? I don't know the answers to these questions, I just ponder over them. I think again, it starts with stopping and relaxing. Listening to your body. I like to think that I have control over who I am, how I act and react, what I think and believe.

I understand that sometimes I may be in a bad mood. That's ok with me if something didn't go my way or I have a particularly stressful day. I also understand that I have no control over my emotions. They are bodily responses to my environment that I have no control over. But I do have control over my mood and feelings and thoughts. My thought here is to listen to my body when I do have an emotional reaction. I can feel what my body is doing and try to understand the emotion that is coming through. It doesn't mean I have to act on it or react to it; I can just let it happen and process it. I think that through understanding yourself and your emotions then you can begin to allow yourself control over you. Give your mind the power it already possesses.


This is not to be insensitive to those who have serious medical conditions, as this does not apply to those individuals.