Have you noticed how we throw that term around- deal with? People say, "Oh, you haven't dealt with that yet", or "I've already dealt with it". Well, what does that really mean. From a psychological prospective it basically means two things. One, have you gone through the grieving process. And two, can you honestly answer these two questions- What am I doing? and Why am I doing it?
I believe there are a couple of different types of grievance processes out there, but the basic one is:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance or indifference
Many think this process is only for bereavement, but this is not true. You do not only go through this process when a death has occurred, but rather when loss has occurred. Loss of a marriage, loss of a job, loss of a friendship, loss of a relationship the way it used to be, loss of your childhood, loss of a home, the list goes on and on.
Some will go straight from loss to an indifferent front. Are they really indifferent? Did they go through the process? Did they skip some steps? Are they really still at denial? Everyone does handle things differently and one does not absolutely need to go through all of these steps, but the answer to whether or not you really are indifferent is the second part to dealing with things.
Example: I grew up with abusive parents, I have never been to counseling to sort through my childhood, I still have a relationship with my parents, and I have never gotten angry at them and I say I have dealt with the abuse from my childhood because I am fine now, there's nothing wrong with me. Then I find a special someone and I am in a relationship with them, and I find myself in an argument with them because I don't like how they treat me in certain situations, they ignore me or make hurtful comments about me, so when in that situation I leave and hence, the argument the next day.
So what is really going on in the above example:
What am I doing? I am getting upset at being ignored and made fun of and so I leave, and then talk about it the next day.
The answer if you have dealt with your childhood:
Why am I doing it? I am doing it because I fear getting hurt. It reminds me of my childhood when I would get ignored or my parents said mean and hurtful things about me. I don't like it and take it quite personally, and so I made a decision to leave. I felt like I was being attacked and so I defended myself the next day.
In the above answer I am still bringing my past into the present. But I am aware of it, and I make a decision to still react that way. I know what I am doing and why I am doing it.
When you get to the point of knowing what and why, then the power is yours, you make a conscious decision on your next course of action. You can still choose to bring your past into the present, or you can realize that is what you are doing and choose to look at reality.
The question still remains- have I dealt with my childhood? If you are at indifference or acceptance and you can HONESTLY answer those two questions what and why in every single situation and nothing comes up and you are still indifferent or accepting; then yes, you have dealt with it.
The operative term of course is HONESTLY. You have to really know why you are having an emotional reaction (or negative thought) to a perceived event. And even more importantly, you have to know that you are even having an emotional reaction that is linked to the negative thought you are having.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Lowering Anxiety
Some ways to lower anxiety:
Relaxation Techniques before event: If something is causing you anxiety, practice deep breathing and relaxing your entire body.
Preparation: If the anxiety producing event has something to do with performance, one way to lower anxiety is by proper preparation, making sure your ducks are lined up in a row.
Visualizations: this works for any type of anxiety. When you feel anxious use visualization techniques, where you actuallly go over what your role will be, what you will do, what you will be like, what the environment will look like, etc...
Building Self-Esteem: reminding of competence and abilities. After you allow yourself to feel anxious and/or nervous and you have already done the proper preparation, you can begin to use positive self-talk reminding yourself that you are competent, able, relaxed, prepared, accepting of yourself, and ok.
Practice all the time proper processing of emotions: practicing processing emotions all of the time will at first feel like you are feeling more anxiety, but what is actually happening is that you are practicing and being aware of what your body is doing, so that you will be lowering the overall intensity of anxiety in the future. Increasing body awareness is another way to look at it. It is building that connection between body and mind.
Relaxation Techniques before event: If something is causing you anxiety, practice deep breathing and relaxing your entire body.
Preparation: If the anxiety producing event has something to do with performance, one way to lower anxiety is by proper preparation, making sure your ducks are lined up in a row.
Visualizations: this works for any type of anxiety. When you feel anxious use visualization techniques, where you actuallly go over what your role will be, what you will do, what you will be like, what the environment will look like, etc...
Building Self-Esteem: reminding of competence and abilities. After you allow yourself to feel anxious and/or nervous and you have already done the proper preparation, you can begin to use positive self-talk reminding yourself that you are competent, able, relaxed, prepared, accepting of yourself, and ok.
Practice all the time proper processing of emotions: practicing processing emotions all of the time will at first feel like you are feeling more anxiety, but what is actually happening is that you are practicing and being aware of what your body is doing, so that you will be lowering the overall intensity of anxiety in the future. Increasing body awareness is another way to look at it. It is building that connection between body and mind.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
How to Properly Use I-Statements
You might hear a lot of times to use I-statements as techniques for better communication. But I think that some really don't understand what that means.
I-Statements are NOT:
I feel happy
I feel you don't do...
I feel you are.....
I feel upset
I do....
I think you don't do.....
etc....
They are not to simply state how you feel on the surface or to turn it around on the other person. They are not to state something about the past that you did, you felt, you think the other person did or felt.
I-statements are meant to open up the communication between two people in a non-threatening way. They are meant to stop yourself and really think about what is really going on inside of you and what is at the root of why you are feeling the way you are feeling. So it is not just to state your feeling, but to state why you are feeling that way, but still in regards to yourself so it is said in a non-threatening manner.
I'll give some examples:
One person may ask the other person when they get home, "where have YOU been?" "Who were you talking to?" Right away this puts the other person on the defensive and feel like they are being attacked. Instead, an I-statement could've been used here: "I am afraid I am going to lose you." "I am feeling insecure and began to think bad thoughts."
Another example is: "When are YOU going to stop reading that book?". Proper I-statement: "I would like to spend some time with you."
The difficultly comes I think, with our natural tendency to protect ourselves with our defense mechanisms. The person got hurt, either by reality or by their own thoughts running through their head. And the tendency is to protect yourself by attacking the other person. Instead I am asking you to be even more vulnerable by using an I-statement. That is why it is so difficult to use and why many do not use it the proper way.
But when a couple makes that commitment to stop hurting each other, you make that commitment to let your walls down, you make that commitment that you will begin to be dependent on someone to not hurt you, you can begin to use I-statements in the right way, and begin to work your way to a more intimate relationship.
I-Statements are NOT:
I feel happy
I feel you don't do...
I feel you are.....
I feel upset
I do....
I think you don't do.....
etc....
They are not to simply state how you feel on the surface or to turn it around on the other person. They are not to state something about the past that you did, you felt, you think the other person did or felt.
I-statements are meant to open up the communication between two people in a non-threatening way. They are meant to stop yourself and really think about what is really going on inside of you and what is at the root of why you are feeling the way you are feeling. So it is not just to state your feeling, but to state why you are feeling that way, but still in regards to yourself so it is said in a non-threatening manner.
I'll give some examples:
One person may ask the other person when they get home, "where have YOU been?" "Who were you talking to?" Right away this puts the other person on the defensive and feel like they are being attacked. Instead, an I-statement could've been used here: "I am afraid I am going to lose you." "I am feeling insecure and began to think bad thoughts."
Another example is: "When are YOU going to stop reading that book?". Proper I-statement: "I would like to spend some time with you."
The difficultly comes I think, with our natural tendency to protect ourselves with our defense mechanisms. The person got hurt, either by reality or by their own thoughts running through their head. And the tendency is to protect yourself by attacking the other person. Instead I am asking you to be even more vulnerable by using an I-statement. That is why it is so difficult to use and why many do not use it the proper way.
But when a couple makes that commitment to stop hurting each other, you make that commitment to let your walls down, you make that commitment that you will begin to be dependent on someone to not hurt you, you can begin to use I-statements in the right way, and begin to work your way to a more intimate relationship.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Therapy Has Many Different Styles
Hello and Happy New Year! It has been a while since my last blog; but I am back in the routine of things and will be posting more regularly.
One thing that I am not sure if people understand when they go to see a therapist for any reason is that therapists can come from different theoretical orientations and do therapy vastly different.
Some therapists focus on only solving the problem and will work on only solutions. Other therapists will think that therapy is more of a process and that there are underlying reasons for problem areas that you may not be aware of. Another one can focus more on cognitive thoughts and thought processes that are negatively affecting your life. And yet others can focus more on proper emotional processing to better handle stressors.
There are therapist that only do one or the other and then there are yet others that may use a certain one after they assess and meet with you and use the one that they feel will best suit you. I tend to fall in the latter, but my main orientation is more focused on processing emotions (letting your body experience what it needs to) and making the connection between emotions and cognitions which is called Experiential Therapy or Humanistic Therapy.
When meeting with a therapist for the first time, you may want to ask what orientation they come from and what style of therapy they tend to do and see if that sounds like it would be a good match for you.
One thing that I am not sure if people understand when they go to see a therapist for any reason is that therapists can come from different theoretical orientations and do therapy vastly different.
Some therapists focus on only solving the problem and will work on only solutions. Other therapists will think that therapy is more of a process and that there are underlying reasons for problem areas that you may not be aware of. Another one can focus more on cognitive thoughts and thought processes that are negatively affecting your life. And yet others can focus more on proper emotional processing to better handle stressors.
There are therapist that only do one or the other and then there are yet others that may use a certain one after they assess and meet with you and use the one that they feel will best suit you. I tend to fall in the latter, but my main orientation is more focused on processing emotions (letting your body experience what it needs to) and making the connection between emotions and cognitions which is called Experiential Therapy or Humanistic Therapy.
When meeting with a therapist for the first time, you may want to ask what orientation they come from and what style of therapy they tend to do and see if that sounds like it would be a good match for you.
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