Meditation Part II: Being Present

Ok. So the second part to meditation is the practice of being present. That was sort of a foreign idea to me before, I didn't really know what the heck it meant. I thought of course I'm present what the heck. But now that I did a little training I think I have a better understanding of it.

Being present means that you are not living in your imagination. Awesome examples of this can be found in Byron Katie's website and what she calls "The Work". People are constantly thinking right?, constantly having thoughts go through our heads of the future, the what-if's, the past, the negative core beliefs, what other's may be thinking, etc. Well similar to meditation where you put all of that out of your head, being present is living in reality. Instead of living in your fears, your anxiety, your worries for yourself or others, what is true right now? Live in the right now. Bring your mind and your awareness to what is happening right now.

Right now I am typing this blog and I can feel my fingers on the keys and my body sitting in this chair. I am a bit relaxed and calm. I am not worried about what I am going to do today, what I did yesterday, not thinking that maybe I said something wrong at a party last night, not worried about what others thought about what I wore, etc.

There is a time for our minds to think about what we need to do. That is the job of our minds and we wouldn't get far if we just lived in the present all of the time. But when anxiety and worry and control takes over, that is when we need this reminder that our mind went into overdrive and took over. Right now I need to gain control over my mind and let it rest. That is what being present means to me.

Meditation Part I

I recently learned about meditation and what it really means and entails. I have to say it is quite interesting. I'm not sure what I thought before. I thought it was something about being somewhere else actually, like looking at your past. But the exact opposite is true of meditation.

Here is what I learned:

Meditation is sitting with yourself in the silence and being exactly where you are in body and mind. So it means to put everything about who you think you are, away, out of your mind. Everything that you identify with, your home, your family, your job, your car, your insecurities, your past, your future, you put it all away and you tell your mind to stop talking.

You ever notice how our minds just go and go and go and think and think and think. Well, during meditation you tell your mind to rest. Of course it is going to try to do its job and start thinking of something else again, but as soon as you realize it, you tell it to rest, and you try to do that without words.

No words.

The idea is that you just sit with yourself in silence and JUST BE.

Letting Our Walls Down

Most of us who grew up in households where we didn't get what we needed (which is most of us), tend to grow up with a defense of protecting ourselves against harm and/or hurt. Then when we encounter heartbreak, our already fragile self is hurt even more and our walls go up even further. This can lead to a person who becomes very independent and does not learn to rely on other people, because other people hurt them or break their trust. This independence then leads to not letting a significant other in, which in effect can cause conflict, poor communication, and disconnect.

Part of learning to be in an intimate relationship is learning how to depend on someone else. When we have spent most of our lives up to this point, not being dependent on anyone, this is a hard task.

When conflict arises and you find yourself pushing your partner away as they are hitting that wall, stopping, taking a break and looking at what is causing you to protect yourself, can help you to remind yourself that you are bringing your past into the now.

When two people make a decision to work on their relationship and they make that commitment that they are not going to hurt each other anymore, you also have to be willing to let that wall down, trust your partner, and learn to be dependent on them to not hurt you.

Change

Have you ever noticed how when there is change conflicts and anxieties rise? This is called homeostatic anxiety. Whenever things change people have a tendency to get worried and scared.

Some psychologists say that is because you are unsure of your role in the new situation. It is human nature to want to maintain homeostasis, but when you get stuck in specific patterns of interaction and then positive feedback loops begin to take place, things get to a level of conflict and dysfunction. The best thing to do is to stay flexible and be used to change.
Similar to what the article I posted previously was saying about resiliency; staying flexible will allow one to be more resilient. Kind of like practice makes perfect.

The important thing to remember then is that change is inevitable, conflicts will rise at times of change and transition, be flexible by being aware that change is happening and that our anxieties are increasing, and reassure yourself and others of their new roles.

"The Road To Resilience"

From the APA Health Center featured topics and articles. This is a great article about overcoming obstacles and building resiliency.

Found at http://apahelpcenter.org/featuredtopics/feature.php?id=6

Introduction

How do people deal with difficult events that change their lives? The death of a loved one, loss of a job, serious illness, terrorist attacks and other traumatic events: these are all examples of very challenging life experiences. Many people react to such circumstances with a flood of strong emotions and a sense of uncertainty.

Yet people generally adapt well over time to life-changing situations and stressful conditions. What enables them to do so? It involves resilience, an ongoing process that requires time and effort and engages people in taking a number of steps.

This brochure is intended to help readers with taking their own road to resilience. The information within describes resilience and some factors that affect how people deal with hardship. Much of the brochure focuses on developing and using a personal strategy for enhancing resilience.

What Is Resilience?

Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or even significant sources of stress -- such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors. It means "bouncing back" from difficult experiences.

Research has shown that resilience is ordinary, not extraordinary. People commonly demonstrate resilience. One example is the response of many Americans to the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks and individuals' efforts to rebuild their lives.

Being resilient does not mean that a person doesn't experience difficulty or distress. Emotional pain and sadness are common in people who have suffered major adversity or trauma in their lives. In fact, the road to resilience is likely to involve considerable emotional distress.

Resilience is not a trait that people either have or do not have. It involves behaviors, thoughts, and actions that can be learned and developed in anyone.

Resilience Factors & Strategies

Factors in Resilience

A combination of factors contributes to resilience. Many studies show that the primary factor in resilience is having caring and supportive relationships within and outside the family. Relationships that create love and trust, provide role models, and offer encouragement and reassurance help bolster a person's resilience.

Several additional factors are associated with resilience, including:

* The capacity to make realistic plans and take steps to carry them out
* A positive view of yourself and confidence in your strengths and abilities
* Skills in communication and problem solving
* The capacity to manage strong feelings and impulses

All of these are factors that people can develop in themselves.

Strategies For Building Resilience

Developing resilience is a personal journey. People do not all react the same to traumatic and stressful life events. An approach to building resilience that works for one person might not work for another. People use varying strategies.

Some variation may reflect cultural differences. A person's culture might have an impact on how he or she communicates feelings and deals with adversity -- for example, whether and how a person connects with significant others, including extended family members and community resources. With growing cultural diversity, the public has greater access to a number of different approaches to building resilience.

Some or many of the ways to build resilience in the following pages may be appropriate to consider in developing your personal strategy.

10 Ways to Build Resilience

Make connections. Good relationships with close family members, friends, or others are important. Accepting help and support from those who care about you and will listen to you strengthens resilience. Some people find that being active in civic groups, faith-based organizations, or other local groups provides social support and can help with reclaiming hope. Assisting others in their time of need also can benefit the helper.

Avoid seeing crises as insurmountable problems. You can't change the fact that highly stressful events happen, but you can change how you interpret and respond to these events. Try looking beyond the present to how future circumstances may be a little better. Note any subtle ways in which you might already feel somewhat better as you deal with difficult situations.

Accept that change is a part of living. Certain goals may no longer be attainable as a result of adverse situations. Accepting circumstances that cannot be changed can help you focus on circumstances that you can alter.

Move toward your goals. Develop some realistic goals. Do something regularly -- even if it seems like a small accomplishment -- that enables you to move toward your goals. Instead of focusing on tasks that seem unachievable, ask yourself, "What's one thing I know I can accomplish today that helps me move in the direction I want to go?"

Take decisive actions. Act on adverse situations as much as you can. Take decisive actions, rather than detaching completely from problems and stresses and wishing they would just go away.

Look for opportunities for self-discovery. People often learn something about themselves and may find that they have grown in some respect as a result of their struggle with loss. Many people who have experienced tragedies and hardship have reported better relationships, greater sense of strength even while feeling vulnerable, increased sense of self-worth, a more developed spirituality, and heightened appreciation for life.

Nurture a positive view of yourself. Developing confidence in your ability to solve problems and trusting your instincts helps build resilience.

Keep things in perspective. Even when facing very painful events, try to consider the stressful situation in a broader context and keep a long-term perspective. Avoid blowing the event out of proportion.

Maintain a hopeful outlook. An optimistic outlook enables you to expect that good things will happen in your life. Try visualizing what you want, rather than worrying about what you fear.

Take care of yourself. Pay attention to your own needs and feelings. Engage in activities that you enjoy and find relaxing. Exercise regularly. Taking care of yourself helps to keep your mind and body primed to deal with situations that require resilience.

Additional ways of strengthening resilience may be helpful. For example, some people write about their deepest thoughts and feelings related to trauma or other stressful events in their life. Meditation and spiritual practices help some people build connections and restore hope.

The key is to identify ways that are likely to work well for you as part of your own personal strategy for fostering resilience.

Learning From Your Past

Some Questions to Ask Yourself

Focusing on past experiences and sources of personal strength can help you learn about what strategies for building resilience might work for you. By exploring answers to the following questions about yourself and your reactions to challenging life events, you may discover how you can respond effectively to difficult situations in your life.

Consider the following:

* What kinds of events have been most stressful for me?
* How have those events typically affected me?
* Have I found it helpful to think of important people in my life when I am distressed?
* To whom have I reached out for support in working through a traumatic or stressful experience?
* What have I learned about myself and my interactions with others during difficult times?
* Has it been helpful for me to assist someone else going through a similar experience?
* Have I been able to overcome obstacles, and if so, how?
* What has helped make me feel more hopeful about the future?

Staying Flexible

Resilience involves maintaining flexibility and balance in your life as you deal with stressful circumstances and traumatic events. This happens in several ways, including:

* Letting yourself experience strong emotions, and also realizing when you may need to avoid experiencing them at times in order to continue functioning
* Stepping forward and taking action to deal with your problems and meet the demands of daily living, and also stepping back to rest and reenergize yourself
* Spending time with loved ones to gain support and encouragement, and also nurturing yourself
* Relying on others, and also relying on yourself

Places To Look For Help

Getting help when you need it is crucial in building your resilience. Beyond caring family members and friends, people often find it helpful to turn to:

Self-help and support groups. Such community groups can aid people struggling with hardships such as the death of a loved one. By sharing information, ideas, and emotions, group participants can assist one another and find comfort in knowing that they are not alone in experiencing difficulty.

Books and other publications by people who have successfully managed adverse situations such as surviving cancer. These stories can motivate readers to find a strategy that might work for them personally.

Online resources. Information on the web can be a helpful source of ideas, though the quality of information varies among sources.

For many people, using their own resources and the kinds of help listed above may be sufficient for building resilience. At times, however, an individual might get stuck or have difficulty making progress on the road to resilience.

A licensed mental health professional such as a psychologist can assist people in developing an appropriate strategy for moving forward. It is important to get professional help if you feel like you are unable to function or perform basic activities of daily living as a result of a traumatic or other stressful life experience.

Different people tend to be comfortable with somewhat different styles of interaction. A person should feel at ease and have good rapport in working with a mental health professional or participating in a support group.

Continuing On Your Journey

To help summarize several of the main points in this brochure, think of resilience as similar to taking a raft trip down a river.

On a river, you may encounter rapids, turns, slow water, and shallows. As in life, the changes you experience affect you differently along the way.

In traveling the river, it helps to have knowledge about it and past experience in dealing with it. Your journey should be guided by a plan, a strategy that you consider likely to work well for you.

Perseverance and trust in your ability to work your way around boulders and other obstacles are important. You can gain courage and insight by successfully navigating your way through white water. Trusted companions who accompany you on the journey can be especially helpful for dealing with rapids, upstream currents, and other difficult stretches of the river.

You can climb out to rest alongside the river. But to get to the end of your journey, you need to get back in the raft and continue.

Masks

I think the tendency for us to portray ourselves a certain way is interesting. We all have this mask we present to people, whether it be as a strong person, a weak person, a kind person, a quiet person, a loud person, a confident person. There are a few different reasons why we use these masks to protect ourselves, because we are scared, because we are insecure, because we have learned to use them that way.

A large part of growing is to learn how to integrate the person you are inside and the person you portray. You can be both. People tend to get stuck in this either or mentality, I'm either strong or I'm weak. Very black and white thinking. Therapy likes the gray area. Sometimes you can be strong and sometimes you can be weak, you can be both. The growing part comes when you work on the reasons why you are scared, or have fears, or working out your insecurities, so that you can embrace the person you are inside and out and be whole.

Sometimes people with a strong mask can get caught up thinking about their fears and insecurities and feel lost in hopelessness. To that I sometimes remind them that they have this mask also. The mask is a part of you and you can get in touch with it.

Some would argue that in order to combine the two and be a whole person, one would need to completely break apart first in order to put all the pieces back together again. There is some truth to this, but it's not as scary as it sounds.

One needs to examine all the parts of what makes them who they are, thoroughly. This would require looking at things in your life that have brought you pain, suffering, resentments, anger, etc. As well as figuring out what you believe, what your thoughts are, and what your values and morals are. Basically differentiating yourself.

The mask nor the person inside does not need to be the only you. You can have different aspects to you and be both. The other thing to always remember is that everyone is just as insecure as you. Everyone is thinking about themselves and how they seem in the eyes of other people.

Worry and Control

Sometimes we can make ourselves crazy by worry, anxiety, and stress. At the root of most of anxiety is the notion of control. Fear of losing control, fear of not having control. The one thing we are all in control of is ourselves. Even despite hormonal and chemical changes in our bodies, we do have the power to control our expressions of emotions and our behaviors. We are in control of our own bodies. Even our thoughts, though we get random ones throughout the day and sometimes thoughts just pop into our heads that are ridiculous or irrational; we still have the power and control to tell ourselves they are just that.

I get many people that get anxieties and worries about things that are outside of them and that they cannot control. That reminds me of the serenity prayer: "Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." You can interchange the first word of change with control. Many people make themselves sick thinking about things they have no control over. If you can focus that energy onto something you do have control over (you), you might find yourself feeling better and achieving a greater sense of awareness.

Fear of losing control is a trickier one. The thing with that is to realize that we really don't have that much control over anything other than ourselves. So you can go ahead and fear losing something or someone and it is valid and we all fear loss, but when it comes down to it, we do not have control over those things we think we do. Again, people can make themselves sick with the thoughts of losing control over their world. The trick is to appreciate, value, respect, and nurture the things that we have, while we have them. But we do not control them. The only thing we control is ourselves. Acceptance of this comes with a clear differentiation of self and a being ok and confident with who you are.

Great Quote

"They say the darkest hour is right before the dawn. But the darkest hour
gives birth to the greatest children of light. From the dark hours of history
are born legends, heroes, champions, prophets, sages, leaders, stars, great
teachers, and saints. The future will be what we make of it. Leadership is
not an elite class. It is a role each of us is born into. It is a position
of influence. Granted, some people exert more influence than others, but all of us exert some, and by our influence, people's lives are touched. People hear what you say, and they listen, and they are affected. People watch how you live, and they learn, and they are influenced.

Do not be afraid. Dare to live the life most people only fantasize about!
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
Life is not a popularity contest. Those who wish to be free from criticism
inevitably end up doing nothing worthwhile. Do the very best you know
how-------the best you can; and mean to keep doing so until the end. "

Kelly, The Rhythm of Life

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

By: George Carlin

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
   Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, friends, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,
   improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

Setting Boundaries/ Taking Advantage

One thing I like to discuss with people is the truth that it is human nature to try to test boundaries. Of course the most obvious is children, but the fact is that we do it throughout our entire lives.
One of my key sayings is that if you let someone take advantage, they will. Not their fault, yours.

Part of having a distinct and clear differentiation of self is to also know your own boundaries for other people. We teach others how to treat us. (Don't forget, there are so many varying degrees and different situations in real life that I talk more in generalizations.)

Ideally in a connected intimate relationship, there would be no more testing to see how far or what you can get a way with. But we are human, and it happens. I actually found myself doing it to my husband about 6 months ago. We were moving furniture together and I spoke to him in a condescending way. In the past he may have just taken it and not said anything to me, thus teaching me that I can talk to him in that way. But instead (he's been working on his boundaries) he told me not to talk to him that way and looked me straight in the eye, thus teaching me that I cannot speak to him that way.

This happens so subtly. We don't really even know what is happening. Even those people with strong boundaries, probably don't even know that they have strong boundaries and that they teach people how to treat them. People who value respect and want to be respected will usually have distinct boundaries. It's the little things that add up to a pattern, an attitude, a belief. That's why I say you take it one thing at a time. It really is. That how things get started, or built- one at a time; and that is how you can begin to make change.

Another example is a couple I know that have a very strong relationship. However, for about a year the husband was saying little things here and there about the wifes weight or eating. They were actually not that mean, just comments and the wife did not say anything about them, because she felt a little overweight and insecure with that. Otherwise, she is a very strong person and does have clear boundaries. But this issue was a sore subject for her. Well, it went on for about a year, his comments got a little worse, and a little worse, and she never said anything. She was teaching him that it was ok to talk to her that way and he didn't think anything of it. His intentions were not to hurt her, he was just talking. Finally, it came to a head and she was crying every day for a week. A big fight happened and she finally let him know that what he was saying was hurtful. He hasn't said anything about her weight since then. This is an example of something small and how it turned into a positive feedback loop. She didn't say anything, and so his comments got a little worse each time.

The main point is that we each have control of our own lives. There is no blaming others for how they treat you; you take control of the life around you. Another thing I say is to surround yourself with people who care about you. That gives you more control.

I do have to mention that there is never any excuse for domestic violence and that is NOT what I am speaking about in this blog. I will talk more about domestic violence relationships at a later date.

Words of Life

Of all the things I wear, my expression is the most important

The heaviest thing I can carry is a grudge

One thing I can give and still keep: my word

One thing I can't recycle is wasted time

I lie the loudest when I lie to myself

Ideas won't work unless 'I' do

My mind is like a parachute... it functions only when open


A poem by Maya Angelou

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

something perfect to wear if the employer,
or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE

one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....

a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for a meal,
that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without;
ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that her childhood may not have been perfect..but it's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..

whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...

Find That Old Spark, The Butterflies

I've seen where couples get to a point where they don't really like each other anymore. They focus on all the bad irritating things and create an environment of positive feedback loops, where the irritation, annoyance, attitudes, expressions become worse and escalated with each interaction. They come to counseling and want to know how to get along better.

First of all, you both need to have that willingness I spoke of a while back. Next you need to let go of those ideals and really look at your partner for who they are and begin to focus on the things that you do like, you do admire, you do appreciate. This would be a part of Solutions Focused Therapy where it says if you start to focus on solutions and strengths and positives, you will begin to feel that way. It is work. Being in a relationship takes work. It is very beneficial to constantly remind yourself what you appreciate from your partner.

Another thing I like to do that keeps that spark alive for me is to look at my husband like I am looking at him for the first time. I almost have to put everything else out of my mind and just see him as that first day I met him. I actually remind myself of all those butterflies I felt and I look at the first things that attracted me to him, like his eyes, his shyness, his generosity, his hair, etc. Don't lose those butterflies. Remind yourself of them, put yourself back in that day when you felt them for your partner. Look at your partner with those eyes and you can find that spark again, the butterflies.

Ideals

It is a normal part of the course of the relationship to somewhat fall in love with the ideal of someone. We will tend to fill in some blanks that we don't know yet, at the beginning of a relationship. What becomes a problem though is when we hold on to those ideals and then expect our partner to be that instead of what they really are.

A fantastic movie that illustrates this point well is "The Painted Veil" with Edward Norton and Naomi Watts. There is a fantastic quote by Edwards character about 2/3 of the way through the movie. It goes something like this, "It was silly of us to look for qualities in each other we never had". It is so true too. It seems that we put ourselves through this struggle and torture when we are frustrated because our partner is not what we want. You have to finally give up and realize that you have to appreciate your partner for who they are, not what you want them to be.

When you stop and really look at your partner, like in the movie, the hope would be that you see them for who they really are and you can admire that in them. Stop the struggle and turmoil. You cannot continue to look for qualities in your partner that they do not possess.

It seems that for a lot of couples this realization comes too late or never. The struggle becomes the marriage and they never realize they are looking for that ideal still. The ideal is just a stage and a short one at that. There is a point in the beginning of a relationship where you have to begin to get to know your partner for who they are. For some this comes later, which is fine as long as you do learn who your partner really is and you can appreciate, admire, and adore them for the qualities they do possess.

One Thing At A Time

When looking to improve yourself or make changes to your behavior it is important to remember that you can only work on one thing at a time.

If you are trying to practice more effective communication techniques, it would be impossible to work on all of them at the same time and see any changes. This is true for most everything. Even if you are trying to lose weight by eating better. It would be more effective to cut out soda first and get used to a diet without soda, then cut out deserts, then take 10 minute walks. Things taken one at a time are more likely to be achievable and attainable.

Since the goal of this blog is more about relationship styles, let us bring it back to communication. Looking at the previous blogs of effective communication tips, it would be wise to pick only one thing that you don't do that you can start trying to do. I like to start with the I-statements. Make an effort to communicate using I-messages. This does NOT mean saying I would like for YOU to do this. An I-message is about what the I person is feeling, why they are feelings, or what is going on inside of them. Mostly it is about disclosing our fears, hurt, pain, vulnerability, loneliness, rejection. Instead of feeling those things, many will turn to anger and blame and put the other person on the defensive.

Since a relationship involves two people though, it is even more important for the I-message to be received well. When making a I-message we are being vulnerable, and our partner should not expose that vulnerability and make it larger, but rather protect and cover up the vulnerability so we feel safe.

That is going to take me back to willingness and making that commitment to not hurt your partner anymore.

After you begin making more I-statements and the both of you are on the same page with that, you can begin working on another technique.

Waking Up With Back Aches

Here's a post for the body. Do you wake up with back aches? Or even while your sleeping does your lower back hurt?

Something I have started to do that relieves ALL of the aches during sleep and in the morning is started stretching my neck and back. You don't even have to do it every day. Just about once a week. Here's what I do:

• Sit on the ground (or even on your bed) with your legs straight out together.

• Put your arms down to your sides and relax your shoulders.

• Now relax your head, by dropping it down, your chin to your chest, but don't force it, just let it relax.

• Feel the stretch all along the center of your back.

• Move your head from side to side to feel the stretch in your shoulders.

This is a wonderful stretch to stretch out your entire back, center, lower, and shoulders. I think what happens is that our backs start to stiffen up and the muscles become rigid if we don't stretch them out and we get those aches during the night because our back muscles aren't flexible.

This is such a simple stretch that has really helped me. Especially since I don't do all the exercise I am supposed to :)

Processing Emotions Cont'd

Another tidbit on processing our emotions: Have you noticed how our society wants everyone to just be ok, just fine, good? It is in our nature to want to make someone feel better or get better sooner rather than later, but at some point it seems it has just become a little extreme. I was reading an article recently, and forgive me for not remembering where, but a lady was talking about how at her mother's funeral she felt as though she could not grieve. She asked, "Whatever happened to the time allowed to people to grieve"?

And it is not only for grieving, but it seems that it the case for all emotions. We are taught to just be ok and stay at this, what I call, an even keel. Don't get too excited, don't get too angry, don't get too sad, don't get too happy.

What can end up happening is that we learn to not express our emotions and that turns into suppressing them. Suppressing our emotions then turns into pathologies i.e. anxiety, obsessive thoughts, excessive fears, depression, because remember, we have no control over our emotions.

Again, I am going to suggest an alternative. Sit with your emotions, talk to yourself, and make that connection between your emotions and your thoughts. Experience the full range of emotions internally, because we have no control over our bodily reaction of emotion, but we do have control over how we express it and handle it. The healthiest thing to do is to acknowledge your emotion and experience it, feel it, label it. After you experience the emotion and label it, then you can do some self-talk to get back to that even keel if need be.

The standards that society puts on us to fit in with everyone else is then to not express our emotions, but what you can and should do is still experience them and go with your body.

Journal Writing

I am a huge proponent of journal writing. When you begin to write things down it helps you to sort things out. A lot of times though, you'll get to the reasons why. Journal writing is easiest when we are angry probably because we are looking for a way to express our anger. If you really get into it and keep writing, but deeply, you can explore the real reasons why you are angry which a lot of times will be fear, pain, hurt, resentments. All this leads to greater self-awareness.

Anger is the easiest motivation for picking up a pen and writing things down or getting to your electronic journal, and rightly so, anger is an all encompassing emotion, but it can also be helpful when you are feeling confused, overwhelmed, anxious, stressed out, depressed. The reasons why will usually come at the end. When you first begin writing, it allows you to process your emotions. What you are actually doing is bridging that gap, making that connection between emotion and cognition, feeling and thinking. Remember I was talking before about how when that connection is lost, emotional reactions take over and become a positive feedback loop that we don't understand because we haven't kept the cognitions connected to the emotions. Journal writing can help us make those connections again.

One thing to remember about journal writing: when you write things down, they only pertain to that day, at that moment. We think so many things throughout the day and they are ever changing. What journal writing does is allow you to process things at that moment. Hopefully it's a buildup to a breakthrough that goes deep, but that's few and far between. That's not usually what is happening every day. Usually it is a process that we are going through, learning to make that connection again between cognition and emotion. During that process, many things are changing. My point is that when you go back to read it, what you wrote may not make sense to you anymore, and that's ok.

Judgments and Opinions

Nobody's perfect. It's not a justification to judge others when you state that you know you are not perfect. We can have our opinions about things but we really should not put judgments on other people. It actually brings bad energy to yourself and bad karma when you judge others. It's a fine line though, isn't it?
I think it is rather innate in all humans to judge. I think a lot of it goes back to religion, but there is also the part that is about protecting yourself and about being social beings. We automatically judge when someone might pose a danger to us, our family, or our neighborhoods.

But why do so many people do it when there is no danger posed and it doesn't affect them in any way? What gives them the right to judge someone else on what they are wearing, saying, doing, parenting? If there is no serious danger posed, why can't people just live and let live and be happy with themselves?

When you judge others you are not being self-aware. Getting to a higher level of a sense of self and understanding has no room for judging others. If your goal is to be a healthier individual, judging brings negative energy and stress. Judging others goes against what effective communication and being an integral part of a system is all about. If our goal is to communicate effectively, then we need to look at our part in the system. We need to look inward at ourselves and realize we have no right to judge others, as looking at ourselves and analyzing our own thoughts, behaviors, reactions, takes too much energy, there is no room for trying to do that for other people. Being more self-aware does not include helping others be more self-aware based on what you think.

Bottom line: It is so easy to judge others and have your opinions on how you would do something differently, but really, if it doesn't affect you, worry about yourself. How about a little support for others? Caring? Understanding? We have all had difficult times and not made the best of decisions. Let's start acting like members of a community and provide a little understanding and support for our neighbors.

Abusive vs. Non-Abusive Relationships

Uses coercion and threats vs. Negotiation and fairness: seeks mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict; accepts change; is willing to compromise.

Uses intimidation vs. Non-threatening behavior: talks and acts so that she feels safe and comfortable expressing herself and doing things.

Uses emotional abuse vs. Respect: listens to her non-judgmentally; is emotionally affirming and understanding; values opinions.

Uses isolation vs. Trust and support: supports her goals in life; respects her rights to her own feelings, friends, activities and opinions.

Minimizes, denies, blames vs. Honesty and accountability: accepts responsibility for self; acknowledges past use of violence, admits being wrong; communicates openly and truthfully.

Uses children vs. Responsible parenting: shares parental responsibilities; is a positive non-violent role model for the children.

Uses male privilege vs. Shared responsibility: mutually agrees on a fair distribution of work; makes family decisions together.

Uses economic abuse vs. Economic partnership: makes money decisions together; makes sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.

Relationship based on power and control vs. Relationship based on Equality


Information provided by Duluth Domestic Abuse Intervention Project

The Importance of Processing Your Emotions

I have talked a lot about increasing your self-awareness and about our emotions. This blog will focus on emotions themselves.

What are emotions?

Emotions are bodily reactions to our perceptions. We have no control over our emotions. They are dictated by our life experience and formed by what our culture has taught us. They are controlled by our cognitions, mainly what and how we perceive our surroundings. That is what is known scientifically about emotions.

What I know about emotions is that we can experience them, and although they are based in our cognitions, I can have absolutely no idea why I am experiencing a particular emotion. This is why a lot of people will seek out Therapy, to find out what cognitions are there that are making them emotionally react in certain ways. The connection is not always known or understood and it takes exploration of the past to find the connection.

Again, I want to emphasize that we have no control over our emotions. But I mean more in the immediate sense. If you want to stop feeling anxiety, it's going to take changing your experiences to change your cognitions to change your emotional reaction. But in the meantime when you experience anxiety, you experience anxiety. Your body reacts and the control we have then is how we express our emotions.

It is the expression of our emotions that we have control over. Just because you are angry does not mean you have to express your anger. Of course we all need an outlet for our emotions sometimes. That is where we can learn healthy alternatives to expressing our emotions. It is never ok to express our anger by being physical or putting someone else in danger. That is the culture we live in here.

But I suggest an alternative to needing an "outlet" to express your emotions.

A lot of times when people begin to feel depression, fears, nightmares, anxiety, or have obsessional thoughts, it is the body's way of dealing with suppressed emotions. It is compensating for the brain's inability to process the emotions. This is usually because that connection has been lost for so long that we then begin to not allow ourselves to feel the emotions because we don't understand them so we try to suppress them. When that happens the emotions will reemerge in another way, usually a way that becomes dysfunctional. That is why it is so important to understand that we have no control over our emotions; we need to learn how to process them.

In order to do that, we learn to be more self-aware. When you experience anger, sadness, guilt, shame, happiness, love, fear, anxiety, excitement, and the whole host of the emotional range, try to feel what is happening in your body. Are you experiencing a drop in your stomach, tightness in your chest, your heart drop, is your heart beating faster, do you feel light, light-headedness, do you feel hot, tingling in your arms and legs, etc. What is your body doing as its emotional response. Listen to your body. Next it is important to label that emotion. That is for your brain. Put a cognition on that emotion. Ok, my heart is beating faster, my chest is getting tighter, my breathing is getting faster, my face is getting hot, I am angry. When I get that drop in my heart first, and then I feel anger, that is usually because initially I was scared. Usually people get angry or mad because they were in danger. Anger is about protecting ourselves. So a lot of times, anger is really just fear. Most of my examples are anger just because that seems to be the most common, but you can substitute any emotion in there.

When that connection gets lost, we let our emotions take over. That is to say, it becomes a positive feedback loop where we react emotionally to a situation, we don't understand why, so we express our emotions reactively, changing our cognitions to this situation, then we react emotionally to another situation, not understanding that it originally started with the first situation, but now we express our emotions even more reactively, etc. and it gets worse and worse.

Again, it's all about self-awareness. We have the power to stop, breathe, and relax. Just look at ourselves and inward at what is happening to our bodies. That would be processing your emotions. Feel what your body is doing, put a label to it, and then try to be introspective and ask yourself why you are experiencing the emotion. It's important to do this with all of the emotions. Of course certain ones are more critical as they can lead to depression, anxiety, trauma, fear,and obsessions.

When There is a Betrayal

What is the right thing to do when one partner has betrayed the other by either cheating, being addicted to something, or lying?

What does it take for the betrayed to forgive?

The first thing is that the person who committed the betrayal needs to be sincerely remorseful. If that is detected then there is hope for the relationship to make it through this traumatic event.

I get asked a lot, "Can I ask questions about it and when is the right time to discuss it?". The answer is "Yes" and "Whenever you want". If the one who committed the betrayal is truly remorseful and wants to work through this, then they need to be open to answering any questions about it whenever the other person wants to know and not be defensive about it. In order for forgiveness to be achieved it also really helps for the one who committed the betrayal to openly discuss what emotions they are currently feeling about it. Many I-statements about how they were feeling at the time, how guilty they feel, how remorseful they are. When you put someone through that kind of trauma they need to know that you are paying for it.

After this process begins you can then start working on why it happened in the first place and both in the relationship can change to ensure a healthier relationship.

Willingness

So many times people come in for counseling and want help to make their relationships better. The one thing that everyone needs though in order for change is willingness. You'd be surprised how many people say they want the relationship to change but they are not willing to change themselves. They want the other person to change. Well, a relationship is not something that only one person can do, it is a dynamic system where one affects another and so on.

I also hear a lot, "If you just change this first, then I will". That may be the case and be warranted, but the trick is then that you have to be willing to accept your partners change. If they do make a change, and you don't accept it, acknowledge it, and appreciate it, then you are unwilling.

What does willingness entail?

It starts by looking at yourself and what you can do to make the relationship better.
It takes being open to learning about your partner and psycho-education.
It takes reflection on your behaviors, attitudes, and emotions.
It takes stopping in the middle of an argument and realizing that you are playing into the positive feedback loop and you are supposed to be working on your relationship.
It takes making a conscious effort to make I-statements.
It takes being positively responsive to your partner.
It takes making a decision that this is what you are going to work for, fight for, and commit to.
It takes commitment to yourself and your partner that you are not going to hurt them anymore.
It takes increasing your self-awareness.

You have to be willing to make your relationship better if that is what you want.

Defensiveness

I feel the need to elaborate on the subject of defensiveness.

We all do it, I know. We are know we are not supposed to get defensive. But when people "attack" us we feel the need to "explain" why or give excuses. In relationships this is a fine line. Sometimes an explanation is needed and other times one is just being defensive and is being harmful to the relationship.

What is the difference?

When someone is opening up to you and bringing up a subject that you do or could improve on they are just talking about that- which is really their feelings. Something you did or said or didn't do hurt their feelings and they are expressing it. This is when it is important to not get defensive, not explain yourself, and not give excuses for why you cannot do what they are asking. What's really going on is they are hurt, they bring it up to you, you get the feeling like you are being attacked, and so you get defensive.

What should happen is when they first bring it up, you should just listen. Try to understand that they are hurt. The next step is to apologize for hurting them. A lot times people just want to hear an apology- that you did not mean to hurt their feelings. The third step is to say that you will work on it- and mean it. The fourth step is to ask for forgiveness.

When it is ok to give excuses, explanations, or be defensive?

When they ask you why. If they do not ask you why then they are not asking for an explanation and it is important to not get defensive.

The Power of Our Minds

Have you ever wondered how folk healers or shamans can really help people get better???

I don't think we give enough credit to who we actually are. We don't give our minds and the power of us enough control.

I believe Folk Healers and Shamans work because they make you BELIEVE you will get better. They tell you there is an evil entity in you, they locate it, and they remove it with powerful force (as an example). You believe they took it out and you are cured. It's not magic on their part; it's magic on yours. It's something that is already within each and every one of us. It starts with learning to be self-aware and learning to talk to yourself when you are listening. You can tell yourself anything.

Have you ever wondered just how much control you have over your mood, feelings, thoughts, if really it is all just controlled by chemicals and neurotransmitters???

I wonder about this at least monthly!!! ;) Women get irritated, bitchy, in a "bad mood" during PMS. Why? Because their hormones change during that time. So if it is just hormones changing, how can hormones actually change who we are during that time? Are we just controlled by these substances and there is no us? Are we just reactive to the chemicals in our bodies? I don't know the answers to these questions, I just ponder over them. I think again, it starts with stopping and relaxing. Listening to your body. I like to think that I have control over who I am, how I act and react, what I think and believe.

I understand that sometimes I may be in a bad mood. That's ok with me if something didn't go my way or I have a particularly stressful day. I also understand that I have no control over my emotions. They are bodily responses to my environment that I have no control over. But I do have control over my mood and feelings and thoughts. My thought here is to listen to my body when I do have an emotional reaction. I can feel what my body is doing and try to understand the emotion that is coming through. It doesn't mean I have to act on it or react to it; I can just let it happen and process it. I think that through understanding yourself and your emotions then you can begin to allow yourself control over you. Give your mind the power it already possesses.


This is not to be insensitive to those who have serious medical conditions, as this does not apply to those individuals.

Breaking Habits: Increasing Self-Awareness

Have you ever wondered what is it that makes people have the motivation to lose weight, to stop smoking, to stop biting their lip, to stop chewing, to stop tearing their skin, biting their nails, biting their hang nails, drinking, to stop any bad habit? I'm sure we have all had a time in our lives when we have done it, but can't seem to do it now. We want to, but every time we say we will, the habit gets the better of us.

Now, I'm no miracle worker; but I want to discuss some thoughts I have about this. First I want to say that you can replace one bad habit with another, but that is not what I am talking about here.

Our minds are the most powerful instruments on earth. When we really believe something we can pretty much see it, feel it, make it happen. It's borderline magic sometimes. You've heard of the placebo effect, right? It's where a group of people think they are getting a cure as an example, and they are actually just given a sugar pill. But amazingly, their symptoms and illness go away. What is that? The power of our minds. You can tell yourself anything, the problem arises when we don't listen because other things are getting in the way.

Life now-a-days is so go, go, go and so AUTOMATIC, that we don't even know what we are doing sometimes, we just do. But if you can take your mind and body OFF of auto-pilot and take each moment in. Just stop. You can tell yourself whatever you want and your mind will actually listen.

So how do you do this? You have to be ready and really mean it. Look at the relaxation techniques in my previous blog. Read through them and practice a few times. Learn to relax. Now this is something that takes practice, but within a week doing this everyday you should learn to be more self-aware by telling yourself to stop and relax. A couple times a day, stop, breathe, relax, and look at yourself and what you are doing. Relax. Look at what you are doing. Look at what you are saying and how you are behaving. Be mindful of your body. Be mindful of your emotions. Really listen to your body's reactions and what is happening inside your body.

Someone cuts you off while driving. Stop and listen to your body. Feel your anger. Feel your fear, your anxiousness, your relief. Recognize that your heart is beating fast, there was a drop in your stomach. Breathe. Relax. Look at yourself.

You are going to (fill in the bad habit here). You know you are doing it. You know you want to stop. But you actually tell yourself screw it, just one more time, and do it anyway. Not this time. This time you are going to stop. Breathe. Relax. Then you are going to relax the body part that is involved in the bad habit. If it's biting something, relax your jaw, your mouth, your tongue. If it's smoking or chewing, relax your hands, your arms, breathe, relax your shoulders. Tell yourself you don't need it. Relax. Breathe. Tell yourself you don't want it. Tell yourself you are quitting. Breathe. Relax. Move on.

Relaxation Techniques

Here are some relaxation tips that I find extremely useful in the steps to better self-awareness.

The following are from http://www.umm.edu/sleep/relax_tech.htm

Progressive Relaxation

This technique is often most useful when you tape the instructions beforehand. You can tape these instructions, reading them slowly and leaving a short pause after each one.

* Lie on your back, close your eyes.

* Feel your feet. Sense their weight. Consciously relax them and sink into the bed. Start with your toes and progress to your ankles.

* Feel your knees. Sense their weight. Consciously relax them and feel them sink into the bed.

* Feel you upper legs and thighs. Feel their weight. Consciously relax them and feel them sink into the bed.

* Feel your abdomen and chest. Sense your breathing. Consciously will them to relax. Deepen your breathing slightly and feel your abdomen and chest sink into the bed.

* Feel your buttocks. Sense their weight. Consciously relax them and feel them sink into the bed.

* Feel your hands. Sense their weight. Consciously relax them and feel them sink into the bed.

* Feel your upper arms. Sense their weight. Consciously relax them and feel them sink into the bed.

* Feel your shoulders. Sense their weight. Consciously relax them and feel them sink into the bed.

* Feel your neck. Sense its weight. Consciously relax it and feel it sink into the bed.

* Feel your head and skull. Sense its weight. Consciously relax it and feel it sink into the bed.

* Feel your mouth and jaw. Consciously relax them. Pay particular attention to your jaw muscles and unclench them if you need to. Feel your mouth and jaw relax and sink into the bed.

* Feel your eyes. Sense if there is tension in your eyes. Sense if you are forcibly closing your eyelids. Consciously relax your eyelids and feel the tension slide off the eyes.

* Feel your face and cheeks. Consciously relax them and feel the tension slide off into the bed.

* Mentally scan your body. If you find any place that is still tense, then consciously relax that place and let it sink into the bed.

Toe Tensing

This one may seem like a bit of a contradiction to the previous one, but by alternately tensing and relaxing your toes, you actually draw tension from the rest of the body. Try it!

1. Lie on your back, close your eyes.
2. Sense your toes.
3. Now pull all 10 toes back toward your face. Count to 10 slowly.
4. Now relax your toes.
5. Count to 10 slowly.
6. Now repeat the above cycle 10 times.

Deep Breathing

By concentrating on our breathing, deep breathing allows the rest of our body to relax itself. Deep breathing is a great way to relax the body and get everything into synchrony. Relaxation breathing is an important part of yoga and martial arts for this reason.

1. Lie on your back.

2. Slowly relax your body. You can use the progressive relaxation technique we described above.

3. Begin to inhale slowly through your nose if possible. Fill the lower part of your chest first, then the middle and top part of your chest and lungs. Be sure to do this slowly, over 8?10 seconds.

4. Hold your breath for a second or two.

5. Then quietly and easily relax and let the air out.

6. Wait a few seconds and repeat this cycle.

7. If you find yourself getting dizzy, then you are overdoing it. Slow down.

8. You can also imagine yourself in a peaceful situation such as on a warm, gentle ocean. Imagine that you rise on the gentle swells of the water as you inhale and sink down into the waves as you exhale.

9. You can continue this breathing technique for as long as you like until you fall asleep.

Guided Imagery

In this technique, the goal is to visualize yourself in a peaceful setting.

1. Lie on your back with your eyes closed.

2. Imagine yourself in a favorite, peaceful place. The place may be on a sunny beach with the ocean breezes caressing you, swinging in a hammock in the mountains or in your own backyard. Any place that you find peaceful and relaxing is OK.

3. Imagine you are there. See and feel your surroundings, hear the peaceful sounds, smell the flowers or the barbecue, fell the warmth of the sun and any other sensations that you find. Relax and enjoy it.

4. You can return to this place any night you need to. As you use this place more and more you will find it easier to fall asleep as this imagery becomes a sleep conditioner.

5. Some patients find it useful to visualize something boring. This may be a particularly boring teacher or lecturer, co-worker or friend.

Quiet Ears

1. Lie on your back with your eyes closed.
2. Place your hands behind your head. Make sure they are relaxed.
3. Place your thumbs in your ears so that you close the ear canal.
4. You will hear a high-pitched rushing sound. This is normal.
5. Listen to this sound for 10?15 minutes.
6. Then put your arms at your sides, actively relax them and go to sleep.


This next set puts a slight variation to the ones above that might prove more effective for other people.

The following are from http://wso.williams.edu/orgs/peerh/stress/relax.html


Quick Relaxation

* Loosen your clothing and get comfortable.

* Tighten the muscles in your toes. Hold for a count of 10. Relax and enjoy the sensation of release from tension.

* Flex the muscles in your feet. Hold for a count of 10. Relax.

* Move slowly up through your body- legs, abdomen, back, neck, face- contracting and relaxing muscles as you go.

* Breathe deeply and slowly.


Long-Term Relaxation

* Get in a comfortable position. Minimally tighten your right fist so that you feel only the smallest amount of tension. Hold it at this level. Be sure you continue to breathe... Now let go and relax... Observe the difference in feelings between the right and left arm and fist.

* Now minimally tighten your left fist. Hold at this level so that you just feel the tightening... Let go and relax. Let the relaxation spread through the arms and the rest of the body.

* Now tighten ever so slightly the following parts of your body.

(Each time tighten only to the point at which you can observe tension, where you can observe tension, where you become conscious of or can "feel" the tension. Hold the tensions at that level, and be sure you tighten only the intended muscle while the rest of the body stays quiet and relaxed. Be sure you continue to breathe. Each time you let go, let those parts relax further and further.) Tighten ever so slightly your scalp... let go and relax... Let the face become smooth and soft... Let the eyes sink into their sockets... Now slightly tighten the throat and neck. Hold it... Let go and relax.

* While continuing to breathe, minimally tighten the triceps. Be sure the neck eyes and tongue are relaxed... Let go.

* Raise your shoulders to your ears minimally. Be sure the neck stays loose. Observe how the shoulders feel different from the rest of the body... Let go and relax. Feel the relaxation sinking through the body... Minimally tighten the stomach. Keep breathing... Let go and relax. Minimally tighten the buttocks... Let go and relax. Minimally tighten the feet, calves, and thighs... Let go and relax. Let yourself reach an even deeper level of relaxation, a calmness and serenity.

* Now minimally tense every muscle in your body so that you just feel the minimum tension... jaws... eyes... shoulders... arms... chest... back... legs... stomach... Be sure you keep breathing. Feel the minimum tension in every part... Let your whole body relax. Feel a wave of calmness as you stop tensing.

* Now, with your eyes closed, take a deep breath and hold it. Note all the minimum tensions... Exhale and feel the relaxation and calmness developing... Note the feeling of heaviness.

Effective Communication Tips Part 4

When I first heard of "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, it actually took me a while to figure out what type of love I gave and what type I received. I wasn't really sure. Then I just made a guess. But I finally figured out a tip on how to determine exactly what type I like to receive.

The five are:

1. Physical Touch
2. Quality Time
3. Words of affection/affirmation
4. Acts of Service
5. Gift Giving

The interesting thing about these is that we can talk about these together (the two people in a relationship) and see that the type of love one likes to receive could be different than the type their partner likes to give or receive. Usually the type that you like to receive is the same that you give, but not always. What this can teach us is what an MFT tells me all of the time to "appreciate the differences".

So what is the tip I finally figured out? Ask yourself this fill in the blank:

I appreciate it when you....

This will tell you what type of love you like to receive. Is it an act of service, is it physical touch, etc.

I am not going to discuss tips on how to figure out what type you tend to give because it should now be adapted to your partner's needs. If you want to make your relationship work you have to make a commitment to your partner that you are not going to hurt them anymore in any way.

Effective Communication Tips Part 3

The Five Freedoms by Virginia Satir

1. TO SEE AND HEAR
What is here,
Instead of what should be,
Was, or will be

2. TO SAY
What one feels and thinks
Instead of what one should

3. TO FEEL
What one feels,
Instead of what one ought

4. TO ASK
For what one wants,
Instead of always waiting
For permission

5. TO TAKE RISKS
In one's own behalf,
Instead of choosing to be
Only "secure"
And not rocking the boat

Effective Communication Tips Part 2

From the book "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last" by John Gottman.

Gottman discusses the four-horsemen in communication that can predict that a marriage will fail. The four-horsemen is my topic today, there are other predictors of what predicts a failed marriage and what predicts a lasting marriage in the book.

The Four-Horsemen are:

1. Criticism


2. Contempt


3. Defensiveness


4. Stonewalling


What Gottman looked at is how the two individuals communicated with each other, either verbally or non-verbally.

Let's look at these in detail.

Critism: Being critical of your partner to a personal degree. Critisizing their person, personality, their character, who they are. Being critical of each other leads the couple no where but to hurt, resentment, and ill will.

Contempt: This can be seen in some non-verbal communication with rolling of the eyes, disgust look, non-approving sighs and noises, as well as name-calling and using swear words directed at your partner. No one likes to feel contempt directed at them. This again leads to feelings of rejection, hurt, and resentment.

Defensiveness: This is something we hear over and over again- Don't be defensive. But yet we ALL do it. It is so hard not to get defensive. However, this one also entails not blaming your partner in the first place so your partner doesn't have to get defensive. It starts with you. That being said, it is also important to try and not get defensive and instead use an "I-Statement" like "I am feeling very sad", "I want this work", "I am scared". If two people are too worried about their next comeback and defending themselves then those two people are not really listening to each other in the first place. No one is getting heard and it just goes round and round and it never gets resolved. You stop that by using I-statements and lowering your defensiveness.

Stonewalling: This is a biggy for us females. The "I'm fine", "everything's fine", "nothing" responses. It kind of goes with the notion that women want men to "read their minds". Men do this too, but with silence or changing the subject. What this is doing is not letting your partner in. It is not helping build connection. And the 1 reason couples split is due to disconnect. You have to open up to your partner. I know it's scary. We are all trying to protect ourselves. But if you are really working on your relationship, you will look at yourself and recognize that "I am not opening up to him/her right now", let go of that guard and be honest.

Effective Communication Tips

Here are some tips on Effective Communication:

The healthiest relationship is where two people have a clear differentiation of self.

Background:

Through life from the beginning we are struggling between a need for togetherness and a need for individuality. If one is too emotionally involved with their family, too emotionally dependent, and reactive to others emotions this is at one end of the spectrum called fusion or enmeshment. At the other end, in not so healthy terms, is when an individual flees and becomes too distant, or emotionally cutoff. There is a balance between the two where healthy and functional individuals should be.

What is differentiation of self?

We have all heard of ego, right? Well, having a differentiation of self is similar to ego strength. It is the capacity to think and reflect without responding automatically to emotional pressures, internal or external (Kerr & Bowen, 1988). It includes the ability to adapt, act wisely, and be flexible, even when faced with stressors and anxiety.

What is the difference between differentiated people and undifferentiated people?

Undifferentiated people:
react emotionally
difficulty maintaining own autonomy
say what they feel instead of what they think
say what they have heard instead of what they believe
either agree with everything or argue with everything
reactive to others, especially around anxiety producing times

Differentiated people:
Balances thinking and feeling
Capable of strong emotion, but possesses self-restraint-ability to resist pull of emotional impulses
Able to think things through, decide what they believe, and act on those beliefs
Takes a stand for what they believe
Looks at one's own role, instead of blaming others

Every relationship involves two individuals. The healthiest relationship is where two people are well differentiated, anxiety levels are low, and the partners are in a healthy emotional state with their own families.

What do I need to do to practice effective communication:

Explore your own role in problems and situations
Get past blaming others and trying to find faults in others
Learn to manage your own anxiety to decrease tensions in the relationship
Learn to increase your own self-awareness
Decrease your emotional reactivity
Recognize what you believe in, not just what you are against
Appreciate your own and your partners idiosyncracies
Accept your own strengths and weaknesses and your partners
Distinguish between thinking and feeling
Increase your own self-understanding i.e. why do you react this way? why do you behave this way?
When in an emotionally anxiety producing situation, try to stop and react in the opposite way you normally would
Look inside and try to pinpoint and understand any unsatisfied longings
Get past blame and anger- step back, control emotional responsiveness, reflect how to improve
Do not gossip or take sides
Do not counterattack!!!! i.e. Initial discussion: you never call me. Counterattack: well, you never call me either
Do no defend yourself
Speak for yourself, not others when discussing what you think
Do not pass off your opinions, values, and judgments as facts
Speak directly to a person, not about them


A lot of this blog is based on Bowen Theory. The last three tips are from Viginia Satir.

References:

Kerr, M., and Bowen, M. (1988). Family evaluation. New York: Norton.

Nichols, M.P. (2006). Family Therapy Concepts and Methods, 7th edition. Boston, MA: Pearson Education Inc.