Defensiveness

I feel the need to elaborate on the subject of defensiveness.

We all do it, I know. We are know we are not supposed to get defensive. But when people "attack" us we feel the need to "explain" why or give excuses. In relationships this is a fine line. Sometimes an explanation is needed and other times one is just being defensive and is being harmful to the relationship.

What is the difference?

When someone is opening up to you and bringing up a subject that you do or could improve on they are just talking about that- which is really their feelings. Something you did or said or didn't do hurt their feelings and they are expressing it. This is when it is important to not get defensive, not explain yourself, and not give excuses for why you cannot do what they are asking. What's really going on is they are hurt, they bring it up to you, you get the feeling like you are being attacked, and so you get defensive.

What should happen is when they first bring it up, you should just listen. Try to understand that they are hurt. The next step is to apologize for hurting them. A lot times people just want to hear an apology- that you did not mean to hurt their feelings. The third step is to say that you will work on it- and mean it. The fourth step is to ask for forgiveness.

When it is ok to give excuses, explanations, or be defensive?

When they ask you why. If they do not ask you why then they are not asking for an explanation and it is important to not get defensive.