Effective Communication Tips Part 2

From the book "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last" by John Gottman.

Gottman discusses the four-horsemen in communication that can predict that a marriage will fail. The four-horsemen is my topic today, there are other predictors of what predicts a failed marriage and what predicts a lasting marriage in the book.

The Four-Horsemen are:

1. Criticism


2. Contempt


3. Defensiveness


4. Stonewalling


What Gottman looked at is how the two individuals communicated with each other, either verbally or non-verbally.

Let's look at these in detail.

Critism: Being critical of your partner to a personal degree. Critisizing their person, personality, their character, who they are. Being critical of each other leads the couple no where but to hurt, resentment, and ill will.

Contempt: This can be seen in some non-verbal communication with rolling of the eyes, disgust look, non-approving sighs and noises, as well as name-calling and using swear words directed at your partner. No one likes to feel contempt directed at them. This again leads to feelings of rejection, hurt, and resentment.

Defensiveness: This is something we hear over and over again- Don't be defensive. But yet we ALL do it. It is so hard not to get defensive. However, this one also entails not blaming your partner in the first place so your partner doesn't have to get defensive. It starts with you. That being said, it is also important to try and not get defensive and instead use an "I-Statement" like "I am feeling very sad", "I want this work", "I am scared". If two people are too worried about their next comeback and defending themselves then those two people are not really listening to each other in the first place. No one is getting heard and it just goes round and round and it never gets resolved. You stop that by using I-statements and lowering your defensiveness.

Stonewalling: This is a biggy for us females. The "I'm fine", "everything's fine", "nothing" responses. It kind of goes with the notion that women want men to "read their minds". Men do this too, but with silence or changing the subject. What this is doing is not letting your partner in. It is not helping build connection. And the 1 reason couples split is due to disconnect. You have to open up to your partner. I know it's scary. We are all trying to protect ourselves. But if you are really working on your relationship, you will look at yourself and recognize that "I am not opening up to him/her right now", let go of that guard and be honest.