Effective Communication Tips

Here are some tips on Effective Communication:

The healthiest relationship is where two people have a clear differentiation of self.

Background:

Through life from the beginning we are struggling between a need for togetherness and a need for individuality. If one is too emotionally involved with their family, too emotionally dependent, and reactive to others emotions this is at one end of the spectrum called fusion or enmeshment. At the other end, in not so healthy terms, is when an individual flees and becomes too distant, or emotionally cutoff. There is a balance between the two where healthy and functional individuals should be.

What is differentiation of self?

We have all heard of ego, right? Well, having a differentiation of self is similar to ego strength. It is the capacity to think and reflect without responding automatically to emotional pressures, internal or external (Kerr & Bowen, 1988). It includes the ability to adapt, act wisely, and be flexible, even when faced with stressors and anxiety.

What is the difference between differentiated people and undifferentiated people?

Undifferentiated people:
react emotionally
difficulty maintaining own autonomy
say what they feel instead of what they think
say what they have heard instead of what they believe
either agree with everything or argue with everything
reactive to others, especially around anxiety producing times

Differentiated people:
Balances thinking and feeling
Capable of strong emotion, but possesses self-restraint-ability to resist pull of emotional impulses
Able to think things through, decide what they believe, and act on those beliefs
Takes a stand for what they believe
Looks at one's own role, instead of blaming others

Every relationship involves two individuals. The healthiest relationship is where two people are well differentiated, anxiety levels are low, and the partners are in a healthy emotional state with their own families.

What do I need to do to practice effective communication:

Explore your own role in problems and situations
Get past blaming others and trying to find faults in others
Learn to manage your own anxiety to decrease tensions in the relationship
Learn to increase your own self-awareness
Decrease your emotional reactivity
Recognize what you believe in, not just what you are against
Appreciate your own and your partners idiosyncracies
Accept your own strengths and weaknesses and your partners
Distinguish between thinking and feeling
Increase your own self-understanding i.e. why do you react this way? why do you behave this way?
When in an emotionally anxiety producing situation, try to stop and react in the opposite way you normally would
Look inside and try to pinpoint and understand any unsatisfied longings
Get past blame and anger- step back, control emotional responsiveness, reflect how to improve
Do not gossip or take sides
Do not counterattack!!!! i.e. Initial discussion: you never call me. Counterattack: well, you never call me either
Do no defend yourself
Speak for yourself, not others when discussing what you think
Do not pass off your opinions, values, and judgments as facts
Speak directly to a person, not about them


A lot of this blog is based on Bowen Theory. The last three tips are from Viginia Satir.

References:

Kerr, M., and Bowen, M. (1988). Family evaluation. New York: Norton.

Nichols, M.P. (2006). Family Therapy Concepts and Methods, 7th edition. Boston, MA: Pearson Education Inc.