Willingness

So many times people come in for counseling and want help to make their relationships better. The one thing that everyone needs though in order for change is willingness. You'd be surprised how many people say they want the relationship to change but they are not willing to change themselves. They want the other person to change. Well, a relationship is not something that only one person can do, it is a dynamic system where one affects another and so on.

I also hear a lot, "If you just change this first, then I will". That may be the case and be warranted, but the trick is then that you have to be willing to accept your partners change. If they do make a change, and you don't accept it, acknowledge it, and appreciate it, then you are unwilling.

What does willingness entail?

It starts by looking at yourself and what you can do to make the relationship better.
It takes being open to learning about your partner and psycho-education.
It takes reflection on your behaviors, attitudes, and emotions.
It takes stopping in the middle of an argument and realizing that you are playing into the positive feedback loop and you are supposed to be working on your relationship.
It takes making a conscious effort to make I-statements.
It takes being positively responsive to your partner.
It takes making a decision that this is what you are going to work for, fight for, and commit to.
It takes commitment to yourself and your partner that you are not going to hurt them anymore.
It takes increasing your self-awareness.

You have to be willing to make your relationship better if that is what you want.