One Thing At A Time

When looking to improve yourself or make changes to your behavior it is important to remember that you can only work on one thing at a time.

If you are trying to practice more effective communication techniques, it would be impossible to work on all of them at the same time and see any changes. This is true for most everything. Even if you are trying to lose weight by eating better. It would be more effective to cut out soda first and get used to a diet without soda, then cut out deserts, then take 10 minute walks. Things taken one at a time are more likely to be achievable and attainable.

Since the goal of this blog is more about relationship styles, let us bring it back to communication. Looking at the previous blogs of effective communication tips, it would be wise to pick only one thing that you don't do that you can start trying to do. I like to start with the I-statements. Make an effort to communicate using I-messages. This does NOT mean saying I would like for YOU to do this. An I-message is about what the I person is feeling, why they are feelings, or what is going on inside of them. Mostly it is about disclosing our fears, hurt, pain, vulnerability, loneliness, rejection. Instead of feeling those things, many will turn to anger and blame and put the other person on the defensive.

Since a relationship involves two people though, it is even more important for the I-message to be received well. When making a I-message we are being vulnerable, and our partner should not expose that vulnerability and make it larger, but rather protect and cover up the vulnerability so we feel safe.

That is going to take me back to willingness and making that commitment to not hurt your partner anymore.

After you begin making more I-statements and the both of you are on the same page with that, you can begin working on another technique.