Setting Boundaries/ Taking Advantage

One thing I like to discuss with people is the truth that it is human nature to try to test boundaries. Of course the most obvious is children, but the fact is that we do it throughout our entire lives.
One of my key sayings is that if you let someone take advantage, they will. Not their fault, yours.

Part of having a distinct and clear differentiation of self is to also know your own boundaries for other people. We teach others how to treat us. (Don't forget, there are so many varying degrees and different situations in real life that I talk more in generalizations.)

Ideally in a connected intimate relationship, there would be no more testing to see how far or what you can get a way with. But we are human, and it happens. I actually found myself doing it to my husband about 6 months ago. We were moving furniture together and I spoke to him in a condescending way. In the past he may have just taken it and not said anything to me, thus teaching me that I can talk to him in that way. But instead (he's been working on his boundaries) he told me not to talk to him that way and looked me straight in the eye, thus teaching me that I cannot speak to him that way.

This happens so subtly. We don't really even know what is happening. Even those people with strong boundaries, probably don't even know that they have strong boundaries and that they teach people how to treat them. People who value respect and want to be respected will usually have distinct boundaries. It's the little things that add up to a pattern, an attitude, a belief. That's why I say you take it one thing at a time. It really is. That how things get started, or built- one at a time; and that is how you can begin to make change.

Another example is a couple I know that have a very strong relationship. However, for about a year the husband was saying little things here and there about the wifes weight or eating. They were actually not that mean, just comments and the wife did not say anything about them, because she felt a little overweight and insecure with that. Otherwise, she is a very strong person and does have clear boundaries. But this issue was a sore subject for her. Well, it went on for about a year, his comments got a little worse, and a little worse, and she never said anything. She was teaching him that it was ok to talk to her that way and he didn't think anything of it. His intentions were not to hurt her, he was just talking. Finally, it came to a head and she was crying every day for a week. A big fight happened and she finally let him know that what he was saying was hurtful. He hasn't said anything about her weight since then. This is an example of something small and how it turned into a positive feedback loop. She didn't say anything, and so his comments got a little worse each time.

The main point is that we each have control of our own lives. There is no blaming others for how they treat you; you take control of the life around you. Another thing I say is to surround yourself with people who care about you. That gives you more control.

I do have to mention that there is never any excuse for domestic violence and that is NOT what I am speaking about in this blog. I will talk more about domestic violence relationships at a later date.