Ideals

It is a normal part of the course of the relationship to somewhat fall in love with the ideal of someone. We will tend to fill in some blanks that we don't know yet, at the beginning of a relationship. What becomes a problem though is when we hold on to those ideals and then expect our partner to be that instead of what they really are.

A fantastic movie that illustrates this point well is "The Painted Veil" with Edward Norton and Naomi Watts. There is a fantastic quote by Edwards character about 2/3 of the way through the movie. It goes something like this, "It was silly of us to look for qualities in each other we never had". It is so true too. It seems that we put ourselves through this struggle and torture when we are frustrated because our partner is not what we want. You have to finally give up and realize that you have to appreciate your partner for who they are, not what you want them to be.

When you stop and really look at your partner, like in the movie, the hope would be that you see them for who they really are and you can admire that in them. Stop the struggle and turmoil. You cannot continue to look for qualities in your partner that they do not possess.

It seems that for a lot of couples this realization comes too late or never. The struggle becomes the marriage and they never realize they are looking for that ideal still. The ideal is just a stage and a short one at that. There is a point in the beginning of a relationship where you have to begin to get to know your partner for who they are. For some this comes later, which is fine as long as you do learn who your partner really is and you can appreciate, admire, and adore them for the qualities they do possess.