If You're In A Violent Relationship

If you are in a physically abusive relationship, please know that you deserve better.

Did you know it takes a person an average of 8 times to finally leave an abusive relationship?

This makes me wonder, why? I know there are many factors involved, but bottom line is that physical and emotional abuse is not good for anyone. I once read that a child who sees their mother get abused is worse than if the child gets physically abused themselves. I don't know how true that is, but it makes sense.

I know it is so easy for people to say just leave; but that it is not easy to do.

Some of the first steps include stashing away some money, finding resources, making a plan, having support. It's a process, but there is help out there and again you deserve better. You have strengths inside of you.

What Does it Mean to Have a Disorder?

Sometimes it is difficult to wrap our minds around having a disorder of some sort. But the fact of the matter is, we have all (the majority at least) had a disorder at one time or another in our lives.

The classification system that is in the DSM IV (that is the big book of disorders), is a reference of certain patterns of behavior. And because we are all human, we follow the same certain patterns of behavior, thus called a disorder, when the behaviors become a problem for you.

So it does not mean that you have some sort of thing that can be used to label you as different, although it feels that way.

All it means is that you are human and other humans behave the same way and it can be fixed. Behave changes to the word symptom when the behavior is getting in the way of other areas of your life.

Problems in a Relationship

Problems in a relationship usually arise when one person needs more from the other person. Let's say you are the person who needs more, more affection, more, attention, more sex, more intimacy, more anything, just more. There are three ways for you to go about this:

One: You get frustrated a lot, conflicts arise, you blame yourself, so you try to change. The one problem with this is that if your partner is not willing to give more and you are making all these changes, then you are just setting yourself up for hurt.

Two: Ask your partner to give you more. Sometimes we just want to be heard and understood (ok, all the time). The goal in relationships is to be open with each other and lower our defensiveness, especially when two people really do want to be together and want the same things. You have to realize you are on the same team, and stop struggling against each other. When trying to achieve a more intimate level of communication, it is ok to ask for more. Maybe that should include what it is in you, that is making you want more.

Three: To build on that last sentence; I challenge you. An alternative to the first two is to challenge yourself to not want more. But not only not want more, but to realize that you don't really want more, you don't really need more, and to be truly happy with the way things are. I challenge you to really think about yourself and why you are needing more. What is it in you that you are not ok with? Do you really need more? Are you just creating friction and frustration in your life because you are just focusing on problems??? Can you focus on the good things and just stop thinking about what is not?


This is of course, not for serious problems (like substance use, abusive relationships, affairs, addictions) or when one person does not want to be in the relationship. This is for couples who both want to be in the relationship and are trying to achieve that intimate level.

Evolution of the Relationship With Your Parents

The evolution of the relationship with our parents is an interesting topic to me. I know I have had to do a lot of accepting of this evolution and change in my own life with my own parents. Add to that the situation that many of us are in with dealing with step-parents and two different sets of parents.

As we become adults there is a transition or evolution in the relationship between us and our parents. I know for me, I had (have) certain expectations of what it is supposed to be like as my parents get older and how they are supposed to be with me and my children. And I am sure that our parents have expectations of what they thought it would be like. I don't think those expectations are the same.

With that being said, and knowing that at times of transition anxiety levels increase and there is a fight or struggle internally to keep things the same, some acceptance needs to happen. We as the children need to just stop and let it be- let the relationship evolve and take shape instead of struggling with trying to mold it our way.