I have been thinking a lot about boundaries and how important they are for relationships. I know that if you let someone take advantage of you, they will. And I know that we teach people how to treat us, how to communicate with us, and how to relate to us. So how does this all happen?
I know it takes time and that the dynamics are constantly changing and the relationship is constantly changing. Everything in life is a constant practice. So what about boundaries?
Well, there are many parts to setting and maintaining boundaries. Today I want to focus on how maintaining boundaries can also mean lowering our emotional reactivity.
When people are emotionally reactive and their feelings and emotions and sometimes even identity are dependent on another person, this can be called enmeshment. An assumption of this is that the person who is emotionally reactive is not maintaining their personal boundaries.
In order to do this, one cannot just say "You can't talk to me that way", or "You can't treat me this way". We have no control over the other person. What we do have control over is how we let it make us feel and how we react. Let's look at that first part.
We control how it makes us feel. Is this entirely true? Yes and no. It depends on how much we believe what the person mistreating us is saying or doing. Do you believe you should be treated in that way or spoke to in that manner. If there is a part of you that does, it feeds on that and you begin to associate you identity with what the other person is saying, thus emotionally reactive and enmeshment- no boundaries. However if you do not believe what they are saying then you can begin to separate yourself from their words or actions, not get emotionally reactive, and will be able to scan your emotions and then make a conscious decision on how to proceed.
Separating yourself from others is a huge growth and empowerment transition.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Incompatability vs. Differences
So many couples focus on the differences between them and talk about how that means they are incompatible. What then can begin is a whole new pattern of looking at the negatives or to be more exact looking at the differences as negatives.
For a successful relationship it is important to look at the differences and appreciate, accept, and respect them. What can be learned in therapy however, is to uncover the differences that are underlying the conflicts. As examples how the two of you may process things differently, you may learn in different ways, you may make decisions in different ways, etc. These are the important differences that need to be explored and understood instead of focusing on the negatives and leaping straight to incompatibility.
For a successful relationship it is important to look at the differences and appreciate, accept, and respect them. What can be learned in therapy however, is to uncover the differences that are underlying the conflicts. As examples how the two of you may process things differently, you may learn in different ways, you may make decisions in different ways, etc. These are the important differences that need to be explored and understood instead of focusing on the negatives and leaping straight to incompatibility.
Friday, May 30, 2008
New Technique for Nightmares
I was just watching a news show last night, and I am sorry but I don't remember which one or what channel.
Anyway, it was talking about nightmares and a new technique for eliminating them. It talked about actually re-narrating your nightmare during the day, over and over again, with the ending that you want. You still keep the majority of the story, just change the ending at first. Retell the new story to yourself as much as possible during the day and then also right before you fall asleep.
Can't hurt to try it!
Anyway, it was talking about nightmares and a new technique for eliminating them. It talked about actually re-narrating your nightmare during the day, over and over again, with the ending that you want. You still keep the majority of the story, just change the ending at first. Retell the new story to yourself as much as possible during the day and then also right before you fall asleep.
Can't hurt to try it!
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Nightmares and Flashbacks
What does it mean when you get recurrent nightmares or flashbacks or even obsessional thoughts that interfere with your life?
Generally this means that you have unresolved feelings and emotions about either a traumatic event or a very distressful event. If you read some of my previous posts there is some information about effectively processing your emotions. What happens to us when a stressful event happens, is sometimes we cut off or suppress some of those emotions. We severe that connection between mind and body. And then what happens is our body builds up so much emotion that we are trying to not feel. We think we are controlling it with our thoughts, staying with facts, trying to forget about it; but they come out in nightmares, flashbacks, and obsessions.
When this happens the best thing is to forget about you trying to control anything over your body and let your body experience and go through what it needs to. In effect process your emotions.
Generally this means that you have unresolved feelings and emotions about either a traumatic event or a very distressful event. If you read some of my previous posts there is some information about effectively processing your emotions. What happens to us when a stressful event happens, is sometimes we cut off or suppress some of those emotions. We severe that connection between mind and body. And then what happens is our body builds up so much emotion that we are trying to not feel. We think we are controlling it with our thoughts, staying with facts, trying to forget about it; but they come out in nightmares, flashbacks, and obsessions.
When this happens the best thing is to forget about you trying to control anything over your body and let your body experience and go through what it needs to. In effect process your emotions.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Emotional Reactivity and Communication
I talk a lot about emotions. I want to continue some of the discussion on communication.
If you read back in previous blogs, I discuss the importance of processing your emotions and learning about increasing your self-awareness.
The next part, is realizing your control of your expressive language of your emotions or your emotional reactivity.
I have said before that we do not have control over our emotions. And that is true. Our bodies react to what we perceive and we cannot control that. What we can control is how we express that emotion.
What happens in relationships is that just due their nature and being emotionally involved with someone, our bodies are reacting to the other person all the time. It is important for you to really look at that, be aware of it, and take note of your bodily reactions, but to not react on them.
Communication is nearly impossible when emotionally driven! Yet that is when people expect the most out of it. It's not going to happen. Nothing is going to get resolved when both of you are just reacting emotionally.
The best thing to do, is to let each of your emotions process, saying it plainly- take a time out, and give yourself and your body time to really process your emotion. Make sense out of what you are experiencing. Then when you have both given yourselves time to do that, you can come together and communicate more effectively.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Emotional Abuse Part III
Verbal abuse is a form of Emotional abuse.This includes yelling, name-calling, belittling, berating, criticizing, and threats. Constant blaming, sarcasm, humiliation, and pointing out flaws in someone or making fun of someone is also emotionally abusive. To do this over and over again to someone will diminish their sense of self and self-value.
Another form of emotional abuse is when you place overwhelming demands and expectations on another person. Like wanting constant attention, never accepting the amount of time someone gives you, and requiring that someone meets all of your needs and forgets about thier own.
Sometimes I see couples where one person will order a person to do or not to do something. This is emotionally abusive. Judging your partner, telling what they need to do or not do, invalidating their feelings and decisions, taking a one-up position, or taking that "parent" role is emotionally abusive. It says to the other person that they are not ok and not good enough.
What I see a lot of times is when a couple is in an emotionally abusive relationship and one person will totally lose their sense of self. They will not know what they want, what they think, what they feel. They will not even know what is real sometimes. What ends up happening is their boundaries have become so obsolete, they have lost themselves. Another term for this is co-dependent. So to end these cycles of abuse, the one receiving the emotional abuse will need to begin rebuilding their boundaries, and thus their sense of self.
Another form of emotional abuse is when you place overwhelming demands and expectations on another person. Like wanting constant attention, never accepting the amount of time someone gives you, and requiring that someone meets all of your needs and forgets about thier own.
Sometimes I see couples where one person will order a person to do or not to do something. This is emotionally abusive. Judging your partner, telling what they need to do or not do, invalidating their feelings and decisions, taking a one-up position, or taking that "parent" role is emotionally abusive. It says to the other person that they are not ok and not good enough.
What I see a lot of times is when a couple is in an emotionally abusive relationship and one person will totally lose their sense of self. They will not know what they want, what they think, what they feel. They will not even know what is real sometimes. What ends up happening is their boundaries have become so obsolete, they have lost themselves. Another term for this is co-dependent. So to end these cycles of abuse, the one receiving the emotional abuse will need to begin rebuilding their boundaries, and thus their sense of self.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
What is Emotional Abuse? Part II
Emotional abuse is any behavior that is trying to control and enslave another person through the use of humiliation, intimidation, fear, guilt, coercion, manipulation, etc. and is emotional in nature rather than physical. Verbal abuse, constant criticism, judging, repeated disapproval, never being pleased or approving are all forms of emotional abuse.
When a person is subjected to emotional abuse over a long period of time they lose self-confidence, a strong sense of self and self-worth, and they lose trust in others and in their own perceptions. Emotional abuse damages the very life inside of someone which can be deeper and more lasting that physical abuse. Emotional abuse leads to a person feeling so under-valued that they are incapable of judging the situation realistically. They can begin to believe what is told to them and blame themselves or take fault for the emotional abuse they receive. They can then actually seek out the abuser looking for that approval and love they never receive. It shows up in their relationships with others when they seek out partners that are similar to the abusers because they feel they do not deserve any better. They tend to build up an intense fear of isolation and abandonment.
Reference: http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htmWhat%20is%20Emotional%20Abuse?
When a person is subjected to emotional abuse over a long period of time they lose self-confidence, a strong sense of self and self-worth, and they lose trust in others and in their own perceptions. Emotional abuse damages the very life inside of someone which can be deeper and more lasting that physical abuse. Emotional abuse leads to a person feeling so under-valued that they are incapable of judging the situation realistically. They can begin to believe what is told to them and blame themselves or take fault for the emotional abuse they receive. They can then actually seek out the abuser looking for that approval and love they never receive. It shows up in their relationships with others when they seek out partners that are similar to the abusers because they feel they do not deserve any better. They tend to build up an intense fear of isolation and abandonment.
Reference: http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htmWhat%20is%20Emotional%20Abuse?
Thursday, March 6, 2008
What is Emotional Abuse? Part I
Emotional Abuse is:
- Belittling
- Blaming
- Sarcasm
- Rejection
- Corruption
- Screaming
- Humiliation
- Threatening
- Name Calling
- Unpredictable Responses
- Isolation
- Deliberate withholding of love and affection
- Criticizing
- Pointing out flaws in others
- Minimizing
- Trivializing
- Invalidating
- Emotional Blackmail
- Dominating
- Denying
- Judging
- Ordering
- Control
- Expectations
- Narcissism
- Selfishness
- Demean
- Aggression
- Chaos
- Abandonment
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Parenting
In the Sac Bee today there is a brief article by a freelance writer, Joyce Mansfield Syftestad, titled "A Moment of Realization With Teenage Daughter". She says that as she and her daughter went to the beach, she wanted her daughter to wait for her so they could walk together. But her daughter took off to go be a part of the fun. She says, "She was focused on where she was going, what lay ahead. And then it hit me. Rather than waiting for me, she should be looking forward, excited about the future, about what would come next. And as the parent of a teen, my job, now so glaringly clear as I saw her stride away, was to be there to watch her back."
KUDOS TO YOU, Joyce!!!!
That is exactly right! Our job as parents is to teach our children to become self sufficient adults. That does not mean teaching them to meet our needs. We need to be there to meet their needs and "watch their back".
Holding back your children because you feel you need something from them does not do them any favors. Work out your own issues on your time. Now that you are a parent, it is your job to be completely self-less, even though you didn't get that as a child. It is your turn now to meet the needs of your children. And really your parents should have been there and if still capable should still be there to meet your needs. That is the cycle. Your children are children, and is the time in their lives when they should have their parents there to meet all of their needs. And when they get older and have children, then it is the time for them to give of themselves.
We get from our parents and give to our children.
KUDOS TO YOU, Joyce!!!!
That is exactly right! Our job as parents is to teach our children to become self sufficient adults. That does not mean teaching them to meet our needs. We need to be there to meet their needs and "watch their back".
Holding back your children because you feel you need something from them does not do them any favors. Work out your own issues on your time. Now that you are a parent, it is your job to be completely self-less, even though you didn't get that as a child. It is your turn now to meet the needs of your children. And really your parents should have been there and if still capable should still be there to meet your needs. That is the cycle. Your children are children, and is the time in their lives when they should have their parents there to meet all of their needs. And when they get older and have children, then it is the time for them to give of themselves.
We get from our parents and give to our children.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
If You're In A Violent Relationship
If you are in a physically abusive relationship, please know that you deserve better.
Did you know it takes a person an average of 8 times to finally leave an abusive relationship?
This makes me wonder, why? I know there are many factors involved, but bottom line is that physical and emotional abuse is not good for anyone. I once read that a child who sees their mother get abused is worse than if the child gets physically abused themselves. I don't know how true that is, but it makes sense.
I know it is so easy for people to say just leave; but that it is not easy to do.
Some of the first steps include stashing away some money, finding resources, making a plan, having support. It's a process, but there is help out there and again you deserve better. You have strengths inside of you.
Did you know it takes a person an average of 8 times to finally leave an abusive relationship?
This makes me wonder, why? I know there are many factors involved, but bottom line is that physical and emotional abuse is not good for anyone. I once read that a child who sees their mother get abused is worse than if the child gets physically abused themselves. I don't know how true that is, but it makes sense.
I know it is so easy for people to say just leave; but that it is not easy to do.
Some of the first steps include stashing away some money, finding resources, making a plan, having support. It's a process, but there is help out there and again you deserve better. You have strengths inside of you.
Monday, February 18, 2008
What Does it Mean to Have a Disorder?
Sometimes it is difficult to wrap our minds around having a disorder of some sort. But the fact of the matter is, we have all (the majority at least) had a disorder at one time or another in our lives.
The classification system that is in the DSM IV (that is the big book of disorders), is a reference of certain patterns of behavior. And because we are all human, we follow the same certain patterns of behavior, thus called a disorder, when the behaviors become a problem for you.
So it does not mean that you have some sort of thing that can be used to label you as different, although it feels that way.
All it means is that you are human and other humans behave the same way and it can be fixed. Behave changes to the word symptom when the behavior is getting in the way of other areas of your life.
The classification system that is in the DSM IV (that is the big book of disorders), is a reference of certain patterns of behavior. And because we are all human, we follow the same certain patterns of behavior, thus called a disorder, when the behaviors become a problem for you.
So it does not mean that you have some sort of thing that can be used to label you as different, although it feels that way.
All it means is that you are human and other humans behave the same way and it can be fixed. Behave changes to the word symptom when the behavior is getting in the way of other areas of your life.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Problems in a Relationship
Problems in a relationship usually arise when one person needs more from the other person. Let's say you are the person who needs more, more affection, more, attention, more sex, more intimacy, more anything, just more. There are three ways for you to go about this:
One: You get frustrated a lot, conflicts arise, you blame yourself, so you try to change. The one problem with this is that if your partner is not willing to give more and you are making all these changes, then you are just setting yourself up for hurt.
Two: Ask your partner to give you more. Sometimes we just want to be heard and understood (ok, all the time). The goal in relationships is to be open with each other and lower our defensiveness, especially when two people really do want to be together and want the same things. You have to realize you are on the same team, and stop struggling against each other. When trying to achieve a more intimate level of communication, it is ok to ask for more. Maybe that should include what it is in you, that is making you want more.
Three: To build on that last sentence; I challenge you. An alternative to the first two is to challenge yourself to not want more. But not only not want more, but to realize that you don't really want more, you don't really need more, and to be truly happy with the way things are. I challenge you to really think about yourself and why you are needing more. What is it in you that you are not ok with? Do you really need more? Are you just creating friction and frustration in your life because you are just focusing on problems??? Can you focus on the good things and just stop thinking about what is not?
This is of course, not for serious problems (like substance use, abusive relationships, affairs, addictions) or when one person does not want to be in the relationship. This is for couples who both want to be in the relationship and are trying to achieve that intimate level.
One: You get frustrated a lot, conflicts arise, you blame yourself, so you try to change. The one problem with this is that if your partner is not willing to give more and you are making all these changes, then you are just setting yourself up for hurt.
Two: Ask your partner to give you more. Sometimes we just want to be heard and understood (ok, all the time). The goal in relationships is to be open with each other and lower our defensiveness, especially when two people really do want to be together and want the same things. You have to realize you are on the same team, and stop struggling against each other. When trying to achieve a more intimate level of communication, it is ok to ask for more. Maybe that should include what it is in you, that is making you want more.
Three: To build on that last sentence; I challenge you. An alternative to the first two is to challenge yourself to not want more. But not only not want more, but to realize that you don't really want more, you don't really need more, and to be truly happy with the way things are. I challenge you to really think about yourself and why you are needing more. What is it in you that you are not ok with? Do you really need more? Are you just creating friction and frustration in your life because you are just focusing on problems??? Can you focus on the good things and just stop thinking about what is not?
This is of course, not for serious problems (like substance use, abusive relationships, affairs, addictions) or when one person does not want to be in the relationship. This is for couples who both want to be in the relationship and are trying to achieve that intimate level.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Evolution of the Relationship With Your Parents
The evolution of the relationship with our parents is an interesting topic to me. I know I have had to do a lot of accepting of this evolution and change in my own life with my own parents. Add to that the situation that many of us are in with dealing with step-parents and two different sets of parents.
As we become adults there is a transition or evolution in the relationship between us and our parents. I know for me, I had (have) certain expectations of what it is supposed to be like as my parents get older and how they are supposed to be with me and my children. And I am sure that our parents have expectations of what they thought it would be like. I don't think those expectations are the same.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
How Do You "Deal" With Things?
Have you noticed how we throw that term around- deal with? People say, "Oh, you haven't dealt with that yet", or "I've already dealt with it". Well, what does that really mean. From a psychological prospective it basically means two things. One, have you gone through the grieving process. And two, can you honestly answer these two questions- What am I doing? and Why am I doing it?
I believe there are a couple of different types of grievance processes out there, but the basic one is:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance or indifference
Many think this process is only for bereavement, but this is not true. You do not only go through this process when a death has occurred, but rather when loss has occurred. Loss of a marriage, loss of a job, loss of a friendship, loss of a relationship the way it used to be, loss of your childhood, loss of a home, the list goes on and on.
Some will go straight from loss to an indifferent front. Are they really indifferent? Did they go through the process? Did they skip some steps? Are they really still at denial? Everyone does handle things differently and one does not absolutely need to go through all of these steps, but the answer to whether or not you really are indifferent is the second part to dealing with things.
Example: I grew up with abusive parents, I have never been to counseling to sort through my childhood, I still have a relationship with my parents, and I have never gotten angry at them and I say I have dealt with the abuse from my childhood because I am fine now, there's nothing wrong with me. Then I find a special someone and I am in a relationship with them, and I find myself in an argument with them because I don't like how they treat me in certain situations, they ignore me or make hurtful comments about me, so when in that situation I leave and hence, the argument the next day.
So what is really going on in the above example:
What am I doing? I am getting upset at being ignored and made fun of and so I leave, and then talk about it the next day.
The answer if you have dealt with your childhood:
Why am I doing it? I am doing it because I fear getting hurt. It reminds me of my childhood when I would get ignored or my parents said mean and hurtful things about me. I don't like it and take it quite personally, and so I made a decision to leave. I felt like I was being attacked and so I defended myself the next day.
In the above answer I am still bringing my past into the present. But I am aware of it, and I make a decision to still react that way. I know what I am doing and why I am doing it.
When you get to the point of knowing what and why, then the power is yours, you make a conscious decision on your next course of action. You can still choose to bring your past into the present, or you can realize that is what you are doing and choose to look at reality.
The question still remains- have I dealt with my childhood? If you are at indifference or acceptance and you can HONESTLY answer those two questions what and why in every single situation and nothing comes up and you are still indifferent or accepting; then yes, you have dealt with it.
The operative term of course is HONESTLY. You have to really know why you are having an emotional reaction (or negative thought) to a perceived event. And even more importantly, you have to know that you are even having an emotional reaction that is linked to the negative thought you are having.
I believe there are a couple of different types of grievance processes out there, but the basic one is:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance or indifference
Many think this process is only for bereavement, but this is not true. You do not only go through this process when a death has occurred, but rather when loss has occurred. Loss of a marriage, loss of a job, loss of a friendship, loss of a relationship the way it used to be, loss of your childhood, loss of a home, the list goes on and on.
Some will go straight from loss to an indifferent front. Are they really indifferent? Did they go through the process? Did they skip some steps? Are they really still at denial? Everyone does handle things differently and one does not absolutely need to go through all of these steps, but the answer to whether or not you really are indifferent is the second part to dealing with things.
Example: I grew up with abusive parents, I have never been to counseling to sort through my childhood, I still have a relationship with my parents, and I have never gotten angry at them and I say I have dealt with the abuse from my childhood because I am fine now, there's nothing wrong with me. Then I find a special someone and I am in a relationship with them, and I find myself in an argument with them because I don't like how they treat me in certain situations, they ignore me or make hurtful comments about me, so when in that situation I leave and hence, the argument the next day.
So what is really going on in the above example:
What am I doing? I am getting upset at being ignored and made fun of and so I leave, and then talk about it the next day.
The answer if you have dealt with your childhood:
Why am I doing it? I am doing it because I fear getting hurt. It reminds me of my childhood when I would get ignored or my parents said mean and hurtful things about me. I don't like it and take it quite personally, and so I made a decision to leave. I felt like I was being attacked and so I defended myself the next day.
In the above answer I am still bringing my past into the present. But I am aware of it, and I make a decision to still react that way. I know what I am doing and why I am doing it.
When you get to the point of knowing what and why, then the power is yours, you make a conscious decision on your next course of action. You can still choose to bring your past into the present, or you can realize that is what you are doing and choose to look at reality.
The question still remains- have I dealt with my childhood? If you are at indifference or acceptance and you can HONESTLY answer those two questions what and why in every single situation and nothing comes up and you are still indifferent or accepting; then yes, you have dealt with it.
The operative term of course is HONESTLY. You have to really know why you are having an emotional reaction (or negative thought) to a perceived event. And even more importantly, you have to know that you are even having an emotional reaction that is linked to the negative thought you are having.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Lowering Anxiety
Some ways to lower anxiety:
Relaxation Techniques before event: If something is causing you anxiety, practice deep breathing and relaxing your entire body.
Preparation: If the anxiety producing event has something to do with performance, one way to lower anxiety is by proper preparation, making sure your ducks are lined up in a row.
Visualizations: this works for any type of anxiety. When you feel anxious use visualization techniques, where you actuallly go over what your role will be, what you will do, what you will be like, what the environment will look like, etc...
Building Self-Esteem: reminding of competence and abilities. After you allow yourself to feel anxious and/or nervous and you have already done the proper preparation, you can begin to use positive self-talk reminding yourself that you are competent, able, relaxed, prepared, accepting of yourself, and ok.
Practice all the time proper processing of emotions: practicing processing emotions all of the time will at first feel like you are feeling more anxiety, but what is actually happening is that you are practicing and being aware of what your body is doing, so that you will be lowering the overall intensity of anxiety in the future. Increasing body awareness is another way to look at it. It is building that connection between body and mind.
Relaxation Techniques before event: If something is causing you anxiety, practice deep breathing and relaxing your entire body.
Preparation: If the anxiety producing event has something to do with performance, one way to lower anxiety is by proper preparation, making sure your ducks are lined up in a row.
Visualizations: this works for any type of anxiety. When you feel anxious use visualization techniques, where you actuallly go over what your role will be, what you will do, what you will be like, what the environment will look like, etc...
Building Self-Esteem: reminding of competence and abilities. After you allow yourself to feel anxious and/or nervous and you have already done the proper preparation, you can begin to use positive self-talk reminding yourself that you are competent, able, relaxed, prepared, accepting of yourself, and ok.
Practice all the time proper processing of emotions: practicing processing emotions all of the time will at first feel like you are feeling more anxiety, but what is actually happening is that you are practicing and being aware of what your body is doing, so that you will be lowering the overall intensity of anxiety in the future. Increasing body awareness is another way to look at it. It is building that connection between body and mind.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
How to Properly Use I-Statements
You might hear a lot of times to use I-statements as techniques for better communication. But I think that some really don't understand what that means.
I-Statements are NOT:
I feel happy
I feel you don't do...
I feel you are.....
I feel upset
I do....
I think you don't do.....
etc....
They are not to simply state how you feel on the surface or to turn it around on the other person. They are not to state something about the past that you did, you felt, you think the other person did or felt.
I-statements are meant to open up the communication between two people in a non-threatening way. They are meant to stop yourself and really think about what is really going on inside of you and what is at the root of why you are feeling the way you are feeling. So it is not just to state your feeling, but to state why you are feeling that way, but still in regards to yourself so it is said in a non-threatening manner.
I'll give some examples:
One person may ask the other person when they get home, "where have YOU been?" "Who were you talking to?" Right away this puts the other person on the defensive and feel like they are being attacked. Instead, an I-statement could've been used here: "I am afraid I am going to lose you." "I am feeling insecure and began to think bad thoughts."
Another example is: "When are YOU going to stop reading that book?". Proper I-statement: "I would like to spend some time with you."
The difficultly comes I think, with our natural tendency to protect ourselves with our defense mechanisms. The person got hurt, either by reality or by their own thoughts running through their head. And the tendency is to protect yourself by attacking the other person. Instead I am asking you to be even more vulnerable by using an I-statement. That is why it is so difficult to use and why many do not use it the proper way.
But when a couple makes that commitment to stop hurting each other, you make that commitment to let your walls down, you make that commitment that you will begin to be dependent on someone to not hurt you, you can begin to use I-statements in the right way, and begin to work your way to a more intimate relationship.
I-Statements are NOT:
I feel happy
I feel you don't do...
I feel you are.....
I feel upset
I do....
I think you don't do.....
etc....
They are not to simply state how you feel on the surface or to turn it around on the other person. They are not to state something about the past that you did, you felt, you think the other person did or felt.
I-statements are meant to open up the communication between two people in a non-threatening way. They are meant to stop yourself and really think about what is really going on inside of you and what is at the root of why you are feeling the way you are feeling. So it is not just to state your feeling, but to state why you are feeling that way, but still in regards to yourself so it is said in a non-threatening manner.
I'll give some examples:
One person may ask the other person when they get home, "where have YOU been?" "Who were you talking to?" Right away this puts the other person on the defensive and feel like they are being attacked. Instead, an I-statement could've been used here: "I am afraid I am going to lose you." "I am feeling insecure and began to think bad thoughts."
Another example is: "When are YOU going to stop reading that book?". Proper I-statement: "I would like to spend some time with you."
The difficultly comes I think, with our natural tendency to protect ourselves with our defense mechanisms. The person got hurt, either by reality or by their own thoughts running through their head. And the tendency is to protect yourself by attacking the other person. Instead I am asking you to be even more vulnerable by using an I-statement. That is why it is so difficult to use and why many do not use it the proper way.
But when a couple makes that commitment to stop hurting each other, you make that commitment to let your walls down, you make that commitment that you will begin to be dependent on someone to not hurt you, you can begin to use I-statements in the right way, and begin to work your way to a more intimate relationship.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Therapy Has Many Different Styles
Hello and Happy New Year! It has been a while since my last blog; but I am back in the routine of things and will be posting more regularly.
One thing that I am not sure if people understand when they go to see a therapist for any reason is that therapists can come from different theoretical orientations and do therapy vastly different.
Some therapists focus on only solving the problem and will work on only solutions. Other therapists will think that therapy is more of a process and that there are underlying reasons for problem areas that you may not be aware of. Another one can focus more on cognitive thoughts and thought processes that are negatively affecting your life. And yet others can focus more on proper emotional processing to better handle stressors.
There are therapist that only do one or the other and then there are yet others that may use a certain one after they assess and meet with you and use the one that they feel will best suit you. I tend to fall in the latter, but my main orientation is more focused on processing emotions (letting your body experience what it needs to) and making the connection between emotions and cognitions which is called Experiential Therapy or Humanistic Therapy.
When meeting with a therapist for the first time, you may want to ask what orientation they come from and what style of therapy they tend to do and see if that sounds like it would be a good match for you.
One thing that I am not sure if people understand when they go to see a therapist for any reason is that therapists can come from different theoretical orientations and do therapy vastly different.
Some therapists focus on only solving the problem and will work on only solutions. Other therapists will think that therapy is more of a process and that there are underlying reasons for problem areas that you may not be aware of. Another one can focus more on cognitive thoughts and thought processes that are negatively affecting your life. And yet others can focus more on proper emotional processing to better handle stressors.
There are therapist that only do one or the other and then there are yet others that may use a certain one after they assess and meet with you and use the one that they feel will best suit you. I tend to fall in the latter, but my main orientation is more focused on processing emotions (letting your body experience what it needs to) and making the connection between emotions and cognitions which is called Experiential Therapy or Humanistic Therapy.
When meeting with a therapist for the first time, you may want to ask what orientation they come from and what style of therapy they tend to do and see if that sounds like it would be a good match for you.
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