"The Road To Resilience"

From the APA Health Center featured topics and articles. This is a great article about overcoming obstacles and building resiliency.

Found at http://apahelpcenter.org/featuredtopics/feature.php?id=6

Introduction

How do people deal with difficult events that change their lives? The death of a loved one, loss of a job, serious illness, terrorist attacks and other traumatic events: these are all examples of very challenging life experiences. Many people react to such circumstances with a flood of strong emotions and a sense of uncertainty.

Yet people generally adapt well over time to life-changing situations and stressful conditions. What enables them to do so? It involves resilience, an ongoing process that requires time and effort and engages people in taking a number of steps.

This brochure is intended to help readers with taking their own road to resilience. The information within describes resilience and some factors that affect how people deal with hardship. Much of the brochure focuses on developing and using a personal strategy for enhancing resilience.

What Is Resilience?

Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or even significant sources of stress -- such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors. It means "bouncing back" from difficult experiences.

Research has shown that resilience is ordinary, not extraordinary. People commonly demonstrate resilience. One example is the response of many Americans to the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks and individuals' efforts to rebuild their lives.

Being resilient does not mean that a person doesn't experience difficulty or distress. Emotional pain and sadness are common in people who have suffered major adversity or trauma in their lives. In fact, the road to resilience is likely to involve considerable emotional distress.

Resilience is not a trait that people either have or do not have. It involves behaviors, thoughts, and actions that can be learned and developed in anyone.

Resilience Factors & Strategies

Factors in Resilience

A combination of factors contributes to resilience. Many studies show that the primary factor in resilience is having caring and supportive relationships within and outside the family. Relationships that create love and trust, provide role models, and offer encouragement and reassurance help bolster a person's resilience.

Several additional factors are associated with resilience, including:

* The capacity to make realistic plans and take steps to carry them out
* A positive view of yourself and confidence in your strengths and abilities
* Skills in communication and problem solving
* The capacity to manage strong feelings and impulses

All of these are factors that people can develop in themselves.

Strategies For Building Resilience

Developing resilience is a personal journey. People do not all react the same to traumatic and stressful life events. An approach to building resilience that works for one person might not work for another. People use varying strategies.

Some variation may reflect cultural differences. A person's culture might have an impact on how he or she communicates feelings and deals with adversity -- for example, whether and how a person connects with significant others, including extended family members and community resources. With growing cultural diversity, the public has greater access to a number of different approaches to building resilience.

Some or many of the ways to build resilience in the following pages may be appropriate to consider in developing your personal strategy.

10 Ways to Build Resilience

Make connections. Good relationships with close family members, friends, or others are important. Accepting help and support from those who care about you and will listen to you strengthens resilience. Some people find that being active in civic groups, faith-based organizations, or other local groups provides social support and can help with reclaiming hope. Assisting others in their time of need also can benefit the helper.

Avoid seeing crises as insurmountable problems. You can't change the fact that highly stressful events happen, but you can change how you interpret and respond to these events. Try looking beyond the present to how future circumstances may be a little better. Note any subtle ways in which you might already feel somewhat better as you deal with difficult situations.

Accept that change is a part of living. Certain goals may no longer be attainable as a result of adverse situations. Accepting circumstances that cannot be changed can help you focus on circumstances that you can alter.

Move toward your goals. Develop some realistic goals. Do something regularly -- even if it seems like a small accomplishment -- that enables you to move toward your goals. Instead of focusing on tasks that seem unachievable, ask yourself, "What's one thing I know I can accomplish today that helps me move in the direction I want to go?"

Take decisive actions. Act on adverse situations as much as you can. Take decisive actions, rather than detaching completely from problems and stresses and wishing they would just go away.

Look for opportunities for self-discovery. People often learn something about themselves and may find that they have grown in some respect as a result of their struggle with loss. Many people who have experienced tragedies and hardship have reported better relationships, greater sense of strength even while feeling vulnerable, increased sense of self-worth, a more developed spirituality, and heightened appreciation for life.

Nurture a positive view of yourself. Developing confidence in your ability to solve problems and trusting your instincts helps build resilience.

Keep things in perspective. Even when facing very painful events, try to consider the stressful situation in a broader context and keep a long-term perspective. Avoid blowing the event out of proportion.

Maintain a hopeful outlook. An optimistic outlook enables you to expect that good things will happen in your life. Try visualizing what you want, rather than worrying about what you fear.

Take care of yourself. Pay attention to your own needs and feelings. Engage in activities that you enjoy and find relaxing. Exercise regularly. Taking care of yourself helps to keep your mind and body primed to deal with situations that require resilience.

Additional ways of strengthening resilience may be helpful. For example, some people write about their deepest thoughts and feelings related to trauma or other stressful events in their life. Meditation and spiritual practices help some people build connections and restore hope.

The key is to identify ways that are likely to work well for you as part of your own personal strategy for fostering resilience.

Learning From Your Past

Some Questions to Ask Yourself

Focusing on past experiences and sources of personal strength can help you learn about what strategies for building resilience might work for you. By exploring answers to the following questions about yourself and your reactions to challenging life events, you may discover how you can respond effectively to difficult situations in your life.

Consider the following:

* What kinds of events have been most stressful for me?
* How have those events typically affected me?
* Have I found it helpful to think of important people in my life when I am distressed?
* To whom have I reached out for support in working through a traumatic or stressful experience?
* What have I learned about myself and my interactions with others during difficult times?
* Has it been helpful for me to assist someone else going through a similar experience?
* Have I been able to overcome obstacles, and if so, how?
* What has helped make me feel more hopeful about the future?

Staying Flexible

Resilience involves maintaining flexibility and balance in your life as you deal with stressful circumstances and traumatic events. This happens in several ways, including:

* Letting yourself experience strong emotions, and also realizing when you may need to avoid experiencing them at times in order to continue functioning
* Stepping forward and taking action to deal with your problems and meet the demands of daily living, and also stepping back to rest and reenergize yourself
* Spending time with loved ones to gain support and encouragement, and also nurturing yourself
* Relying on others, and also relying on yourself

Places To Look For Help

Getting help when you need it is crucial in building your resilience. Beyond caring family members and friends, people often find it helpful to turn to:

Self-help and support groups. Such community groups can aid people struggling with hardships such as the death of a loved one. By sharing information, ideas, and emotions, group participants can assist one another and find comfort in knowing that they are not alone in experiencing difficulty.

Books and other publications by people who have successfully managed adverse situations such as surviving cancer. These stories can motivate readers to find a strategy that might work for them personally.

Online resources. Information on the web can be a helpful source of ideas, though the quality of information varies among sources.

For many people, using their own resources and the kinds of help listed above may be sufficient for building resilience. At times, however, an individual might get stuck or have difficulty making progress on the road to resilience.

A licensed mental health professional such as a psychologist can assist people in developing an appropriate strategy for moving forward. It is important to get professional help if you feel like you are unable to function or perform basic activities of daily living as a result of a traumatic or other stressful life experience.

Different people tend to be comfortable with somewhat different styles of interaction. A person should feel at ease and have good rapport in working with a mental health professional or participating in a support group.

Continuing On Your Journey

To help summarize several of the main points in this brochure, think of resilience as similar to taking a raft trip down a river.

On a river, you may encounter rapids, turns, slow water, and shallows. As in life, the changes you experience affect you differently along the way.

In traveling the river, it helps to have knowledge about it and past experience in dealing with it. Your journey should be guided by a plan, a strategy that you consider likely to work well for you.

Perseverance and trust in your ability to work your way around boulders and other obstacles are important. You can gain courage and insight by successfully navigating your way through white water. Trusted companions who accompany you on the journey can be especially helpful for dealing with rapids, upstream currents, and other difficult stretches of the river.

You can climb out to rest alongside the river. But to get to the end of your journey, you need to get back in the raft and continue.

Masks

I think the tendency for us to portray ourselves a certain way is interesting. We all have this mask we present to people, whether it be as a strong person, a weak person, a kind person, a quiet person, a loud person, a confident person. There are a few different reasons why we use these masks to protect ourselves, because we are scared, because we are insecure, because we have learned to use them that way.

A large part of growing is to learn how to integrate the person you are inside and the person you portray. You can be both. People tend to get stuck in this either or mentality, I'm either strong or I'm weak. Very black and white thinking. Therapy likes the gray area. Sometimes you can be strong and sometimes you can be weak, you can be both. The growing part comes when you work on the reasons why you are scared, or have fears, or working out your insecurities, so that you can embrace the person you are inside and out and be whole.

Sometimes people with a strong mask can get caught up thinking about their fears and insecurities and feel lost in hopelessness. To that I sometimes remind them that they have this mask also. The mask is a part of you and you can get in touch with it.

Some would argue that in order to combine the two and be a whole person, one would need to completely break apart first in order to put all the pieces back together again. There is some truth to this, but it's not as scary as it sounds.

One needs to examine all the parts of what makes them who they are, thoroughly. This would require looking at things in your life that have brought you pain, suffering, resentments, anger, etc. As well as figuring out what you believe, what your thoughts are, and what your values and morals are. Basically differentiating yourself.

The mask nor the person inside does not need to be the only you. You can have different aspects to you and be both. The other thing to always remember is that everyone is just as insecure as you. Everyone is thinking about themselves and how they seem in the eyes of other people.

Worry and Control

Sometimes we can make ourselves crazy by worry, anxiety, and stress. At the root of most of anxiety is the notion of control. Fear of losing control, fear of not having control. The one thing we are all in control of is ourselves. Even despite hormonal and chemical changes in our bodies, we do have the power to control our expressions of emotions and our behaviors. We are in control of our own bodies. Even our thoughts, though we get random ones throughout the day and sometimes thoughts just pop into our heads that are ridiculous or irrational; we still have the power and control to tell ourselves they are just that.

I get many people that get anxieties and worries about things that are outside of them and that they cannot control. That reminds me of the serenity prayer: "Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." You can interchange the first word of change with control. Many people make themselves sick thinking about things they have no control over. If you can focus that energy onto something you do have control over (you), you might find yourself feeling better and achieving a greater sense of awareness.

Fear of losing control is a trickier one. The thing with that is to realize that we really don't have that much control over anything other than ourselves. So you can go ahead and fear losing something or someone and it is valid and we all fear loss, but when it comes down to it, we do not have control over those things we think we do. Again, people can make themselves sick with the thoughts of losing control over their world. The trick is to appreciate, value, respect, and nurture the things that we have, while we have them. But we do not control them. The only thing we control is ourselves. Acceptance of this comes with a clear differentiation of self and a being ok and confident with who you are.

Great Quote

"They say the darkest hour is right before the dawn. But the darkest hour
gives birth to the greatest children of light. From the dark hours of history
are born legends, heroes, champions, prophets, sages, leaders, stars, great
teachers, and saints. The future will be what we make of it. Leadership is
not an elite class. It is a role each of us is born into. It is a position
of influence. Granted, some people exert more influence than others, but all of us exert some, and by our influence, people's lives are touched. People hear what you say, and they listen, and they are affected. People watch how you live, and they learn, and they are influenced.

Do not be afraid. Dare to live the life most people only fantasize about!
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
Life is not a popularity contest. Those who wish to be free from criticism
inevitably end up doing nothing worthwhile. Do the very best you know
how-------the best you can; and mean to keep doing so until the end. "

Kelly, The Rhythm of Life

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

By: George Carlin

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
   Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, friends, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,
   improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

Setting Boundaries/ Taking Advantage

One thing I like to discuss with people is the truth that it is human nature to try to test boundaries. Of course the most obvious is children, but the fact is that we do it throughout our entire lives.
One of my key sayings is that if you let someone take advantage, they will. Not their fault, yours.

Part of having a distinct and clear differentiation of self is to also know your own boundaries for other people. We teach others how to treat us. (Don't forget, there are so many varying degrees and different situations in real life that I talk more in generalizations.)

Ideally in a connected intimate relationship, there would be no more testing to see how far or what you can get a way with. But we are human, and it happens. I actually found myself doing it to my husband about 6 months ago. We were moving furniture together and I spoke to him in a condescending way. In the past he may have just taken it and not said anything to me, thus teaching me that I can talk to him in that way. But instead (he's been working on his boundaries) he told me not to talk to him that way and looked me straight in the eye, thus teaching me that I cannot speak to him that way.

This happens so subtly. We don't really even know what is happening. Even those people with strong boundaries, probably don't even know that they have strong boundaries and that they teach people how to treat them. People who value respect and want to be respected will usually have distinct boundaries. It's the little things that add up to a pattern, an attitude, a belief. That's why I say you take it one thing at a time. It really is. That how things get started, or built- one at a time; and that is how you can begin to make change.

Another example is a couple I know that have a very strong relationship. However, for about a year the husband was saying little things here and there about the wifes weight or eating. They were actually not that mean, just comments and the wife did not say anything about them, because she felt a little overweight and insecure with that. Otherwise, she is a very strong person and does have clear boundaries. But this issue was a sore subject for her. Well, it went on for about a year, his comments got a little worse, and a little worse, and she never said anything. She was teaching him that it was ok to talk to her that way and he didn't think anything of it. His intentions were not to hurt her, he was just talking. Finally, it came to a head and she was crying every day for a week. A big fight happened and she finally let him know that what he was saying was hurtful. He hasn't said anything about her weight since then. This is an example of something small and how it turned into a positive feedback loop. She didn't say anything, and so his comments got a little worse each time.

The main point is that we each have control of our own lives. There is no blaming others for how they treat you; you take control of the life around you. Another thing I say is to surround yourself with people who care about you. That gives you more control.

I do have to mention that there is never any excuse for domestic violence and that is NOT what I am speaking about in this blog. I will talk more about domestic violence relationships at a later date.

Words of Life

Of all the things I wear, my expression is the most important

The heaviest thing I can carry is a grudge

One thing I can give and still keep: my word

One thing I can't recycle is wasted time

I lie the loudest when I lie to myself

Ideas won't work unless 'I' do

My mind is like a parachute... it functions only when open


A poem by Maya Angelou

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

something perfect to wear if the employer,
or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE

one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....

a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for a meal,
that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without;
ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that her childhood may not have been perfect..but it's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..

whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...

Find That Old Spark, The Butterflies

I've seen where couples get to a point where they don't really like each other anymore. They focus on all the bad irritating things and create an environment of positive feedback loops, where the irritation, annoyance, attitudes, expressions become worse and escalated with each interaction. They come to counseling and want to know how to get along better.

First of all, you both need to have that willingness I spoke of a while back. Next you need to let go of those ideals and really look at your partner for who they are and begin to focus on the things that you do like, you do admire, you do appreciate. This would be a part of Solutions Focused Therapy where it says if you start to focus on solutions and strengths and positives, you will begin to feel that way. It is work. Being in a relationship takes work. It is very beneficial to constantly remind yourself what you appreciate from your partner.

Another thing I like to do that keeps that spark alive for me is to look at my husband like I am looking at him for the first time. I almost have to put everything else out of my mind and just see him as that first day I met him. I actually remind myself of all those butterflies I felt and I look at the first things that attracted me to him, like his eyes, his shyness, his generosity, his hair, etc. Don't lose those butterflies. Remind yourself of them, put yourself back in that day when you felt them for your partner. Look at your partner with those eyes and you can find that spark again, the butterflies.

Ideals

It is a normal part of the course of the relationship to somewhat fall in love with the ideal of someone. We will tend to fill in some blanks that we don't know yet, at the beginning of a relationship. What becomes a problem though is when we hold on to those ideals and then expect our partner to be that instead of what they really are.

A fantastic movie that illustrates this point well is "The Painted Veil" with Edward Norton and Naomi Watts. There is a fantastic quote by Edwards character about 2/3 of the way through the movie. It goes something like this, "It was silly of us to look for qualities in each other we never had". It is so true too. It seems that we put ourselves through this struggle and torture when we are frustrated because our partner is not what we want. You have to finally give up and realize that you have to appreciate your partner for who they are, not what you want them to be.

When you stop and really look at your partner, like in the movie, the hope would be that you see them for who they really are and you can admire that in them. Stop the struggle and turmoil. You cannot continue to look for qualities in your partner that they do not possess.

It seems that for a lot of couples this realization comes too late or never. The struggle becomes the marriage and they never realize they are looking for that ideal still. The ideal is just a stage and a short one at that. There is a point in the beginning of a relationship where you have to begin to get to know your partner for who they are. For some this comes later, which is fine as long as you do learn who your partner really is and you can appreciate, admire, and adore them for the qualities they do possess.

One Thing At A Time

When looking to improve yourself or make changes to your behavior it is important to remember that you can only work on one thing at a time.

If you are trying to practice more effective communication techniques, it would be impossible to work on all of them at the same time and see any changes. This is true for most everything. Even if you are trying to lose weight by eating better. It would be more effective to cut out soda first and get used to a diet without soda, then cut out deserts, then take 10 minute walks. Things taken one at a time are more likely to be achievable and attainable.

Since the goal of this blog is more about relationship styles, let us bring it back to communication. Looking at the previous blogs of effective communication tips, it would be wise to pick only one thing that you don't do that you can start trying to do. I like to start with the I-statements. Make an effort to communicate using I-messages. This does NOT mean saying I would like for YOU to do this. An I-message is about what the I person is feeling, why they are feelings, or what is going on inside of them. Mostly it is about disclosing our fears, hurt, pain, vulnerability, loneliness, rejection. Instead of feeling those things, many will turn to anger and blame and put the other person on the defensive.

Since a relationship involves two people though, it is even more important for the I-message to be received well. When making a I-message we are being vulnerable, and our partner should not expose that vulnerability and make it larger, but rather protect and cover up the vulnerability so we feel safe.

That is going to take me back to willingness and making that commitment to not hurt your partner anymore.

After you begin making more I-statements and the both of you are on the same page with that, you can begin working on another technique.

Waking Up With Back Aches

Here's a post for the body. Do you wake up with back aches? Or even while your sleeping does your lower back hurt?

Something I have started to do that relieves ALL of the aches during sleep and in the morning is started stretching my neck and back. You don't even have to do it every day. Just about once a week. Here's what I do:

• Sit on the ground (or even on your bed) with your legs straight out together.

• Put your arms down to your sides and relax your shoulders.

• Now relax your head, by dropping it down, your chin to your chest, but don't force it, just let it relax.

• Feel the stretch all along the center of your back.

• Move your head from side to side to feel the stretch in your shoulders.

This is a wonderful stretch to stretch out your entire back, center, lower, and shoulders. I think what happens is that our backs start to stiffen up and the muscles become rigid if we don't stretch them out and we get those aches during the night because our back muscles aren't flexible.

This is such a simple stretch that has really helped me. Especially since I don't do all the exercise I am supposed to :)

Processing Emotions Cont'd

Another tidbit on processing our emotions: Have you noticed how our society wants everyone to just be ok, just fine, good? It is in our nature to want to make someone feel better or get better sooner rather than later, but at some point it seems it has just become a little extreme. I was reading an article recently, and forgive me for not remembering where, but a lady was talking about how at her mother's funeral she felt as though she could not grieve. She asked, "Whatever happened to the time allowed to people to grieve"?

And it is not only for grieving, but it seems that it the case for all emotions. We are taught to just be ok and stay at this, what I call, an even keel. Don't get too excited, don't get too angry, don't get too sad, don't get too happy.

What can end up happening is that we learn to not express our emotions and that turns into suppressing them. Suppressing our emotions then turns into pathologies i.e. anxiety, obsessive thoughts, excessive fears, depression, because remember, we have no control over our emotions.

Again, I am going to suggest an alternative. Sit with your emotions, talk to yourself, and make that connection between your emotions and your thoughts. Experience the full range of emotions internally, because we have no control over our bodily reaction of emotion, but we do have control over how we express it and handle it. The healthiest thing to do is to acknowledge your emotion and experience it, feel it, label it. After you experience the emotion and label it, then you can do some self-talk to get back to that even keel if need be.

The standards that society puts on us to fit in with everyone else is then to not express our emotions, but what you can and should do is still experience them and go with your body.

Journal Writing

I am a huge proponent of journal writing. When you begin to write things down it helps you to sort things out. A lot of times though, you'll get to the reasons why. Journal writing is easiest when we are angry probably because we are looking for a way to express our anger. If you really get into it and keep writing, but deeply, you can explore the real reasons why you are angry which a lot of times will be fear, pain, hurt, resentments. All this leads to greater self-awareness.

Anger is the easiest motivation for picking up a pen and writing things down or getting to your electronic journal, and rightly so, anger is an all encompassing emotion, but it can also be helpful when you are feeling confused, overwhelmed, anxious, stressed out, depressed. The reasons why will usually come at the end. When you first begin writing, it allows you to process your emotions. What you are actually doing is bridging that gap, making that connection between emotion and cognition, feeling and thinking. Remember I was talking before about how when that connection is lost, emotional reactions take over and become a positive feedback loop that we don't understand because we haven't kept the cognitions connected to the emotions. Journal writing can help us make those connections again.

One thing to remember about journal writing: when you write things down, they only pertain to that day, at that moment. We think so many things throughout the day and they are ever changing. What journal writing does is allow you to process things at that moment. Hopefully it's a buildup to a breakthrough that goes deep, but that's few and far between. That's not usually what is happening every day. Usually it is a process that we are going through, learning to make that connection again between cognition and emotion. During that process, many things are changing. My point is that when you go back to read it, what you wrote may not make sense to you anymore, and that's ok.