Judgments and Opinions

Nobody's perfect. It's not a justification to judge others when you state that you know you are not perfect. We can have our opinions about things but we really should not put judgments on other people. It actually brings bad energy to yourself and bad karma when you judge others. It's a fine line though, isn't it?
I think it is rather innate in all humans to judge. I think a lot of it goes back to religion, but there is also the part that is about protecting yourself and about being social beings. We automatically judge when someone might pose a danger to us, our family, or our neighborhoods.

But why do so many people do it when there is no danger posed and it doesn't affect them in any way? What gives them the right to judge someone else on what they are wearing, saying, doing, parenting? If there is no serious danger posed, why can't people just live and let live and be happy with themselves?

When you judge others you are not being self-aware. Getting to a higher level of a sense of self and understanding has no room for judging others. If your goal is to be a healthier individual, judging brings negative energy and stress. Judging others goes against what effective communication and being an integral part of a system is all about. If our goal is to communicate effectively, then we need to look at our part in the system. We need to look inward at ourselves and realize we have no right to judge others, as looking at ourselves and analyzing our own thoughts, behaviors, reactions, takes too much energy, there is no room for trying to do that for other people. Being more self-aware does not include helping others be more self-aware based on what you think.

Bottom line: It is so easy to judge others and have your opinions on how you would do something differently, but really, if it doesn't affect you, worry about yourself. How about a little support for others? Caring? Understanding? We have all had difficult times and not made the best of decisions. Let's start acting like members of a community and provide a little understanding and support for our neighbors.

Abusive vs. Non-Abusive Relationships

Uses coercion and threats vs. Negotiation and fairness: seeks mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict; accepts change; is willing to compromise.

Uses intimidation vs. Non-threatening behavior: talks and acts so that she feels safe and comfortable expressing herself and doing things.

Uses emotional abuse vs. Respect: listens to her non-judgmentally; is emotionally affirming and understanding; values opinions.

Uses isolation vs. Trust and support: supports her goals in life; respects her rights to her own feelings, friends, activities and opinions.

Minimizes, denies, blames vs. Honesty and accountability: accepts responsibility for self; acknowledges past use of violence, admits being wrong; communicates openly and truthfully.

Uses children vs. Responsible parenting: shares parental responsibilities; is a positive non-violent role model for the children.

Uses male privilege vs. Shared responsibility: mutually agrees on a fair distribution of work; makes family decisions together.

Uses economic abuse vs. Economic partnership: makes money decisions together; makes sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.

Relationship based on power and control vs. Relationship based on Equality


Information provided by Duluth Domestic Abuse Intervention Project

The Importance of Processing Your Emotions

I have talked a lot about increasing your self-awareness and about our emotions. This blog will focus on emotions themselves.

What are emotions?

Emotions are bodily reactions to our perceptions. We have no control over our emotions. They are dictated by our life experience and formed by what our culture has taught us. They are controlled by our cognitions, mainly what and how we perceive our surroundings. That is what is known scientifically about emotions.

What I know about emotions is that we can experience them, and although they are based in our cognitions, I can have absolutely no idea why I am experiencing a particular emotion. This is why a lot of people will seek out Therapy, to find out what cognitions are there that are making them emotionally react in certain ways. The connection is not always known or understood and it takes exploration of the past to find the connection.

Again, I want to emphasize that we have no control over our emotions. But I mean more in the immediate sense. If you want to stop feeling anxiety, it's going to take changing your experiences to change your cognitions to change your emotional reaction. But in the meantime when you experience anxiety, you experience anxiety. Your body reacts and the control we have then is how we express our emotions.

It is the expression of our emotions that we have control over. Just because you are angry does not mean you have to express your anger. Of course we all need an outlet for our emotions sometimes. That is where we can learn healthy alternatives to expressing our emotions. It is never ok to express our anger by being physical or putting someone else in danger. That is the culture we live in here.

But I suggest an alternative to needing an "outlet" to express your emotions.

A lot of times when people begin to feel depression, fears, nightmares, anxiety, or have obsessional thoughts, it is the body's way of dealing with suppressed emotions. It is compensating for the brain's inability to process the emotions. This is usually because that connection has been lost for so long that we then begin to not allow ourselves to feel the emotions because we don't understand them so we try to suppress them. When that happens the emotions will reemerge in another way, usually a way that becomes dysfunctional. That is why it is so important to understand that we have no control over our emotions; we need to learn how to process them.

In order to do that, we learn to be more self-aware. When you experience anger, sadness, guilt, shame, happiness, love, fear, anxiety, excitement, and the whole host of the emotional range, try to feel what is happening in your body. Are you experiencing a drop in your stomach, tightness in your chest, your heart drop, is your heart beating faster, do you feel light, light-headedness, do you feel hot, tingling in your arms and legs, etc. What is your body doing as its emotional response. Listen to your body. Next it is important to label that emotion. That is for your brain. Put a cognition on that emotion. Ok, my heart is beating faster, my chest is getting tighter, my breathing is getting faster, my face is getting hot, I am angry. When I get that drop in my heart first, and then I feel anger, that is usually because initially I was scared. Usually people get angry or mad because they were in danger. Anger is about protecting ourselves. So a lot of times, anger is really just fear. Most of my examples are anger just because that seems to be the most common, but you can substitute any emotion in there.

When that connection gets lost, we let our emotions take over. That is to say, it becomes a positive feedback loop where we react emotionally to a situation, we don't understand why, so we express our emotions reactively, changing our cognitions to this situation, then we react emotionally to another situation, not understanding that it originally started with the first situation, but now we express our emotions even more reactively, etc. and it gets worse and worse.

Again, it's all about self-awareness. We have the power to stop, breathe, and relax. Just look at ourselves and inward at what is happening to our bodies. That would be processing your emotions. Feel what your body is doing, put a label to it, and then try to be introspective and ask yourself why you are experiencing the emotion. It's important to do this with all of the emotions. Of course certain ones are more critical as they can lead to depression, anxiety, trauma, fear,and obsessions.

When There is a Betrayal

What is the right thing to do when one partner has betrayed the other by either cheating, being addicted to something, or lying?

What does it take for the betrayed to forgive?

The first thing is that the person who committed the betrayal needs to be sincerely remorseful. If that is detected then there is hope for the relationship to make it through this traumatic event.

I get asked a lot, "Can I ask questions about it and when is the right time to discuss it?". The answer is "Yes" and "Whenever you want". If the one who committed the betrayal is truly remorseful and wants to work through this, then they need to be open to answering any questions about it whenever the other person wants to know and not be defensive about it. In order for forgiveness to be achieved it also really helps for the one who committed the betrayal to openly discuss what emotions they are currently feeling about it. Many I-statements about how they were feeling at the time, how guilty they feel, how remorseful they are. When you put someone through that kind of trauma they need to know that you are paying for it.

After this process begins you can then start working on why it happened in the first place and both in the relationship can change to ensure a healthier relationship.

Willingness

So many times people come in for counseling and want help to make their relationships better. The one thing that everyone needs though in order for change is willingness. You'd be surprised how many people say they want the relationship to change but they are not willing to change themselves. They want the other person to change. Well, a relationship is not something that only one person can do, it is a dynamic system where one affects another and so on.

I also hear a lot, "If you just change this first, then I will". That may be the case and be warranted, but the trick is then that you have to be willing to accept your partners change. If they do make a change, and you don't accept it, acknowledge it, and appreciate it, then you are unwilling.

What does willingness entail?

It starts by looking at yourself and what you can do to make the relationship better.
It takes being open to learning about your partner and psycho-education.
It takes reflection on your behaviors, attitudes, and emotions.
It takes stopping in the middle of an argument and realizing that you are playing into the positive feedback loop and you are supposed to be working on your relationship.
It takes making a conscious effort to make I-statements.
It takes being positively responsive to your partner.
It takes making a decision that this is what you are going to work for, fight for, and commit to.
It takes commitment to yourself and your partner that you are not going to hurt them anymore.
It takes increasing your self-awareness.

You have to be willing to make your relationship better if that is what you want.

Defensiveness

I feel the need to elaborate on the subject of defensiveness.

We all do it, I know. We are know we are not supposed to get defensive. But when people "attack" us we feel the need to "explain" why or give excuses. In relationships this is a fine line. Sometimes an explanation is needed and other times one is just being defensive and is being harmful to the relationship.

What is the difference?

When someone is opening up to you and bringing up a subject that you do or could improve on they are just talking about that- which is really their feelings. Something you did or said or didn't do hurt their feelings and they are expressing it. This is when it is important to not get defensive, not explain yourself, and not give excuses for why you cannot do what they are asking. What's really going on is they are hurt, they bring it up to you, you get the feeling like you are being attacked, and so you get defensive.

What should happen is when they first bring it up, you should just listen. Try to understand that they are hurt. The next step is to apologize for hurting them. A lot times people just want to hear an apology- that you did not mean to hurt their feelings. The third step is to say that you will work on it- and mean it. The fourth step is to ask for forgiveness.

When it is ok to give excuses, explanations, or be defensive?

When they ask you why. If they do not ask you why then they are not asking for an explanation and it is important to not get defensive.

The Power of Our Minds

Have you ever wondered how folk healers or shamans can really help people get better???

I don't think we give enough credit to who we actually are. We don't give our minds and the power of us enough control.

I believe Folk Healers and Shamans work because they make you BELIEVE you will get better. They tell you there is an evil entity in you, they locate it, and they remove it with powerful force (as an example). You believe they took it out and you are cured. It's not magic on their part; it's magic on yours. It's something that is already within each and every one of us. It starts with learning to be self-aware and learning to talk to yourself when you are listening. You can tell yourself anything.

Have you ever wondered just how much control you have over your mood, feelings, thoughts, if really it is all just controlled by chemicals and neurotransmitters???

I wonder about this at least monthly!!! ;) Women get irritated, bitchy, in a "bad mood" during PMS. Why? Because their hormones change during that time. So if it is just hormones changing, how can hormones actually change who we are during that time? Are we just controlled by these substances and there is no us? Are we just reactive to the chemicals in our bodies? I don't know the answers to these questions, I just ponder over them. I think again, it starts with stopping and relaxing. Listening to your body. I like to think that I have control over who I am, how I act and react, what I think and believe.

I understand that sometimes I may be in a bad mood. That's ok with me if something didn't go my way or I have a particularly stressful day. I also understand that I have no control over my emotions. They are bodily responses to my environment that I have no control over. But I do have control over my mood and feelings and thoughts. My thought here is to listen to my body when I do have an emotional reaction. I can feel what my body is doing and try to understand the emotion that is coming through. It doesn't mean I have to act on it or react to it; I can just let it happen and process it. I think that through understanding yourself and your emotions then you can begin to allow yourself control over you. Give your mind the power it already possesses.


This is not to be insensitive to those who have serious medical conditions, as this does not apply to those individuals.

Breaking Habits: Increasing Self-Awareness

Have you ever wondered what is it that makes people have the motivation to lose weight, to stop smoking, to stop biting their lip, to stop chewing, to stop tearing their skin, biting their nails, biting their hang nails, drinking, to stop any bad habit? I'm sure we have all had a time in our lives when we have done it, but can't seem to do it now. We want to, but every time we say we will, the habit gets the better of us.

Now, I'm no miracle worker; but I want to discuss some thoughts I have about this. First I want to say that you can replace one bad habit with another, but that is not what I am talking about here.

Our minds are the most powerful instruments on earth. When we really believe something we can pretty much see it, feel it, make it happen. It's borderline magic sometimes. You've heard of the placebo effect, right? It's where a group of people think they are getting a cure as an example, and they are actually just given a sugar pill. But amazingly, their symptoms and illness go away. What is that? The power of our minds. You can tell yourself anything, the problem arises when we don't listen because other things are getting in the way.

Life now-a-days is so go, go, go and so AUTOMATIC, that we don't even know what we are doing sometimes, we just do. But if you can take your mind and body OFF of auto-pilot and take each moment in. Just stop. You can tell yourself whatever you want and your mind will actually listen.

So how do you do this? You have to be ready and really mean it. Look at the relaxation techniques in my previous blog. Read through them and practice a few times. Learn to relax. Now this is something that takes practice, but within a week doing this everyday you should learn to be more self-aware by telling yourself to stop and relax. A couple times a day, stop, breathe, relax, and look at yourself and what you are doing. Relax. Look at what you are doing. Look at what you are saying and how you are behaving. Be mindful of your body. Be mindful of your emotions. Really listen to your body's reactions and what is happening inside your body.

Someone cuts you off while driving. Stop and listen to your body. Feel your anger. Feel your fear, your anxiousness, your relief. Recognize that your heart is beating fast, there was a drop in your stomach. Breathe. Relax. Look at yourself.

You are going to (fill in the bad habit here). You know you are doing it. You know you want to stop. But you actually tell yourself screw it, just one more time, and do it anyway. Not this time. This time you are going to stop. Breathe. Relax. Then you are going to relax the body part that is involved in the bad habit. If it's biting something, relax your jaw, your mouth, your tongue. If it's smoking or chewing, relax your hands, your arms, breathe, relax your shoulders. Tell yourself you don't need it. Relax. Breathe. Tell yourself you don't want it. Tell yourself you are quitting. Breathe. Relax. Move on.

Relaxation Techniques

Here are some relaxation tips that I find extremely useful in the steps to better self-awareness.

The following are from http://www.umm.edu/sleep/relax_tech.htm

Progressive Relaxation

This technique is often most useful when you tape the instructions beforehand. You can tape these instructions, reading them slowly and leaving a short pause after each one.

* Lie on your back, close your eyes.

* Feel your feet. Sense their weight. Consciously relax them and sink into the bed. Start with your toes and progress to your ankles.

* Feel your knees. Sense their weight. Consciously relax them and feel them sink into the bed.

* Feel you upper legs and thighs. Feel their weight. Consciously relax them and feel them sink into the bed.

* Feel your abdomen and chest. Sense your breathing. Consciously will them to relax. Deepen your breathing slightly and feel your abdomen and chest sink into the bed.

* Feel your buttocks. Sense their weight. Consciously relax them and feel them sink into the bed.

* Feel your hands. Sense their weight. Consciously relax them and feel them sink into the bed.

* Feel your upper arms. Sense their weight. Consciously relax them and feel them sink into the bed.

* Feel your shoulders. Sense their weight. Consciously relax them and feel them sink into the bed.

* Feel your neck. Sense its weight. Consciously relax it and feel it sink into the bed.

* Feel your head and skull. Sense its weight. Consciously relax it and feel it sink into the bed.

* Feel your mouth and jaw. Consciously relax them. Pay particular attention to your jaw muscles and unclench them if you need to. Feel your mouth and jaw relax and sink into the bed.

* Feel your eyes. Sense if there is tension in your eyes. Sense if you are forcibly closing your eyelids. Consciously relax your eyelids and feel the tension slide off the eyes.

* Feel your face and cheeks. Consciously relax them and feel the tension slide off into the bed.

* Mentally scan your body. If you find any place that is still tense, then consciously relax that place and let it sink into the bed.

Toe Tensing

This one may seem like a bit of a contradiction to the previous one, but by alternately tensing and relaxing your toes, you actually draw tension from the rest of the body. Try it!

1. Lie on your back, close your eyes.
2. Sense your toes.
3. Now pull all 10 toes back toward your face. Count to 10 slowly.
4. Now relax your toes.
5. Count to 10 slowly.
6. Now repeat the above cycle 10 times.

Deep Breathing

By concentrating on our breathing, deep breathing allows the rest of our body to relax itself. Deep breathing is a great way to relax the body and get everything into synchrony. Relaxation breathing is an important part of yoga and martial arts for this reason.

1. Lie on your back.

2. Slowly relax your body. You can use the progressive relaxation technique we described above.

3. Begin to inhale slowly through your nose if possible. Fill the lower part of your chest first, then the middle and top part of your chest and lungs. Be sure to do this slowly, over 8?10 seconds.

4. Hold your breath for a second or two.

5. Then quietly and easily relax and let the air out.

6. Wait a few seconds and repeat this cycle.

7. If you find yourself getting dizzy, then you are overdoing it. Slow down.

8. You can also imagine yourself in a peaceful situation such as on a warm, gentle ocean. Imagine that you rise on the gentle swells of the water as you inhale and sink down into the waves as you exhale.

9. You can continue this breathing technique for as long as you like until you fall asleep.

Guided Imagery

In this technique, the goal is to visualize yourself in a peaceful setting.

1. Lie on your back with your eyes closed.

2. Imagine yourself in a favorite, peaceful place. The place may be on a sunny beach with the ocean breezes caressing you, swinging in a hammock in the mountains or in your own backyard. Any place that you find peaceful and relaxing is OK.

3. Imagine you are there. See and feel your surroundings, hear the peaceful sounds, smell the flowers or the barbecue, fell the warmth of the sun and any other sensations that you find. Relax and enjoy it.

4. You can return to this place any night you need to. As you use this place more and more you will find it easier to fall asleep as this imagery becomes a sleep conditioner.

5. Some patients find it useful to visualize something boring. This may be a particularly boring teacher or lecturer, co-worker or friend.

Quiet Ears

1. Lie on your back with your eyes closed.
2. Place your hands behind your head. Make sure they are relaxed.
3. Place your thumbs in your ears so that you close the ear canal.
4. You will hear a high-pitched rushing sound. This is normal.
5. Listen to this sound for 10?15 minutes.
6. Then put your arms at your sides, actively relax them and go to sleep.


This next set puts a slight variation to the ones above that might prove more effective for other people.

The following are from http://wso.williams.edu/orgs/peerh/stress/relax.html


Quick Relaxation

* Loosen your clothing and get comfortable.

* Tighten the muscles in your toes. Hold for a count of 10. Relax and enjoy the sensation of release from tension.

* Flex the muscles in your feet. Hold for a count of 10. Relax.

* Move slowly up through your body- legs, abdomen, back, neck, face- contracting and relaxing muscles as you go.

* Breathe deeply and slowly.


Long-Term Relaxation

* Get in a comfortable position. Minimally tighten your right fist so that you feel only the smallest amount of tension. Hold it at this level. Be sure you continue to breathe... Now let go and relax... Observe the difference in feelings between the right and left arm and fist.

* Now minimally tighten your left fist. Hold at this level so that you just feel the tightening... Let go and relax. Let the relaxation spread through the arms and the rest of the body.

* Now tighten ever so slightly the following parts of your body.

(Each time tighten only to the point at which you can observe tension, where you can observe tension, where you become conscious of or can "feel" the tension. Hold the tensions at that level, and be sure you tighten only the intended muscle while the rest of the body stays quiet and relaxed. Be sure you continue to breathe. Each time you let go, let those parts relax further and further.) Tighten ever so slightly your scalp... let go and relax... Let the face become smooth and soft... Let the eyes sink into their sockets... Now slightly tighten the throat and neck. Hold it... Let go and relax.

* While continuing to breathe, minimally tighten the triceps. Be sure the neck eyes and tongue are relaxed... Let go.

* Raise your shoulders to your ears minimally. Be sure the neck stays loose. Observe how the shoulders feel different from the rest of the body... Let go and relax. Feel the relaxation sinking through the body... Minimally tighten the stomach. Keep breathing... Let go and relax. Minimally tighten the buttocks... Let go and relax. Minimally tighten the feet, calves, and thighs... Let go and relax. Let yourself reach an even deeper level of relaxation, a calmness and serenity.

* Now minimally tense every muscle in your body so that you just feel the minimum tension... jaws... eyes... shoulders... arms... chest... back... legs... stomach... Be sure you keep breathing. Feel the minimum tension in every part... Let your whole body relax. Feel a wave of calmness as you stop tensing.

* Now, with your eyes closed, take a deep breath and hold it. Note all the minimum tensions... Exhale and feel the relaxation and calmness developing... Note the feeling of heaviness.

Effective Communication Tips Part 4

When I first heard of "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, it actually took me a while to figure out what type of love I gave and what type I received. I wasn't really sure. Then I just made a guess. But I finally figured out a tip on how to determine exactly what type I like to receive.

The five are:

1. Physical Touch
2. Quality Time
3. Words of affection/affirmation
4. Acts of Service
5. Gift Giving

The interesting thing about these is that we can talk about these together (the two people in a relationship) and see that the type of love one likes to receive could be different than the type their partner likes to give or receive. Usually the type that you like to receive is the same that you give, but not always. What this can teach us is what an MFT tells me all of the time to "appreciate the differences".

So what is the tip I finally figured out? Ask yourself this fill in the blank:

I appreciate it when you....

This will tell you what type of love you like to receive. Is it an act of service, is it physical touch, etc.

I am not going to discuss tips on how to figure out what type you tend to give because it should now be adapted to your partner's needs. If you want to make your relationship work you have to make a commitment to your partner that you are not going to hurt them anymore in any way.

Effective Communication Tips Part 3

The Five Freedoms by Virginia Satir

1. TO SEE AND HEAR
What is here,
Instead of what should be,
Was, or will be

2. TO SAY
What one feels and thinks
Instead of what one should

3. TO FEEL
What one feels,
Instead of what one ought

4. TO ASK
For what one wants,
Instead of always waiting
For permission

5. TO TAKE RISKS
In one's own behalf,
Instead of choosing to be
Only "secure"
And not rocking the boat

Effective Communication Tips Part 2

From the book "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last" by John Gottman.

Gottman discusses the four-horsemen in communication that can predict that a marriage will fail. The four-horsemen is my topic today, there are other predictors of what predicts a failed marriage and what predicts a lasting marriage in the book.

The Four-Horsemen are:

1. Criticism


2. Contempt


3. Defensiveness


4. Stonewalling


What Gottman looked at is how the two individuals communicated with each other, either verbally or non-verbally.

Let's look at these in detail.

Critism: Being critical of your partner to a personal degree. Critisizing their person, personality, their character, who they are. Being critical of each other leads the couple no where but to hurt, resentment, and ill will.

Contempt: This can be seen in some non-verbal communication with rolling of the eyes, disgust look, non-approving sighs and noises, as well as name-calling and using swear words directed at your partner. No one likes to feel contempt directed at them. This again leads to feelings of rejection, hurt, and resentment.

Defensiveness: This is something we hear over and over again- Don't be defensive. But yet we ALL do it. It is so hard not to get defensive. However, this one also entails not blaming your partner in the first place so your partner doesn't have to get defensive. It starts with you. That being said, it is also important to try and not get defensive and instead use an "I-Statement" like "I am feeling very sad", "I want this work", "I am scared". If two people are too worried about their next comeback and defending themselves then those two people are not really listening to each other in the first place. No one is getting heard and it just goes round and round and it never gets resolved. You stop that by using I-statements and lowering your defensiveness.

Stonewalling: This is a biggy for us females. The "I'm fine", "everything's fine", "nothing" responses. It kind of goes with the notion that women want men to "read their minds". Men do this too, but with silence or changing the subject. What this is doing is not letting your partner in. It is not helping build connection. And the 1 reason couples split is due to disconnect. You have to open up to your partner. I know it's scary. We are all trying to protect ourselves. But if you are really working on your relationship, you will look at yourself and recognize that "I am not opening up to him/her right now", let go of that guard and be honest.

Effective Communication Tips

Here are some tips on Effective Communication:

The healthiest relationship is where two people have a clear differentiation of self.

Background:

Through life from the beginning we are struggling between a need for togetherness and a need for individuality. If one is too emotionally involved with their family, too emotionally dependent, and reactive to others emotions this is at one end of the spectrum called fusion or enmeshment. At the other end, in not so healthy terms, is when an individual flees and becomes too distant, or emotionally cutoff. There is a balance between the two where healthy and functional individuals should be.

What is differentiation of self?

We have all heard of ego, right? Well, having a differentiation of self is similar to ego strength. It is the capacity to think and reflect without responding automatically to emotional pressures, internal or external (Kerr & Bowen, 1988). It includes the ability to adapt, act wisely, and be flexible, even when faced with stressors and anxiety.

What is the difference between differentiated people and undifferentiated people?

Undifferentiated people:
react emotionally
difficulty maintaining own autonomy
say what they feel instead of what they think
say what they have heard instead of what they believe
either agree with everything or argue with everything
reactive to others, especially around anxiety producing times

Differentiated people:
Balances thinking and feeling
Capable of strong emotion, but possesses self-restraint-ability to resist pull of emotional impulses
Able to think things through, decide what they believe, and act on those beliefs
Takes a stand for what they believe
Looks at one's own role, instead of blaming others

Every relationship involves two individuals. The healthiest relationship is where two people are well differentiated, anxiety levels are low, and the partners are in a healthy emotional state with their own families.

What do I need to do to practice effective communication:

Explore your own role in problems and situations
Get past blaming others and trying to find faults in others
Learn to manage your own anxiety to decrease tensions in the relationship
Learn to increase your own self-awareness
Decrease your emotional reactivity
Recognize what you believe in, not just what you are against
Appreciate your own and your partners idiosyncracies
Accept your own strengths and weaknesses and your partners
Distinguish between thinking and feeling
Increase your own self-understanding i.e. why do you react this way? why do you behave this way?
When in an emotionally anxiety producing situation, try to stop and react in the opposite way you normally would
Look inside and try to pinpoint and understand any unsatisfied longings
Get past blame and anger- step back, control emotional responsiveness, reflect how to improve
Do not gossip or take sides
Do not counterattack!!!! i.e. Initial discussion: you never call me. Counterattack: well, you never call me either
Do no defend yourself
Speak for yourself, not others when discussing what you think
Do not pass off your opinions, values, and judgments as facts
Speak directly to a person, not about them


A lot of this blog is based on Bowen Theory. The last three tips are from Viginia Satir.

References:

Kerr, M., and Bowen, M. (1988). Family evaluation. New York: Norton.

Nichols, M.P. (2006). Family Therapy Concepts and Methods, 7th edition. Boston, MA: Pearson Education Inc.